All you smart english people, please read this :)?

Question

Hi, I'm writing up an application form the University of Waterloo and it has to be perfect. I was hoping if you may read it and to check my grammer or anything else related about my piece of work. The question was Any Special accomplishements, Distinctions, and Honours. Anyways, If there's anything i should change pleae let me know and Thank You sooo Much :)

Ever since I entered High School, I had a set of goals and accomplishments that I set for myself. Up to now, many of my goals that I set have been a success. First, I’ve received five honours throughout High school and maintained a decent overall academic average. Throughout Grade 9 to Grade 10, I was enrolled in an Arabic class and learned the basic fundamentals of the language. Furthermore, in grade 11, I was enrolled in a special Peer Mediation class. I learned how to deal with conflicts and how to make two parties agree on one solution. In addition, I developed the many qualities a leader possesses by doing many projects and volunteer work, such as helping the Grade 9’s get through the transition between Middle School to high School. Furthermore, I was fortunate enough to participate in an online conference for my World issues class.

The online conference was made my ICONS (International Communication and Negotiation Simulations Center for International Development and Conflict Management Department of Government & Politics, University of Maryland) and was taken place at an international level. My group’s responsibility was to come up with a proposal of International Terrorism. Many of the countries that participated at an international level were the US, UK, China, Russia, South Africa, and many others. Our proposal dealt with solutions of how to deal with countries that sponsor terrorism and was a success during the conference. On the other hand, I also participated in many non-academic events. Throughout my High School career, I was able to accumulate more then 250 hours of volunteer work. I’m happy I had the chance to do humanitarian work, such as food drives, clothing drives, and other non-profit events. Overall, the experience I gained from volunteering was priceless.

Answer 1

Honestly, it's a little short so far for an application essay. I'm going to apologize in advance for this being a long post, but I'm assuming you're sincere about wanting help.

Sentence #1: Never use the same word twice in a sentence: "I had a set of goals and accomplishments that I established for myself" would work better.

Sentence #2: The sentence would sound better as, "To date, I have been very succesful in accomplishing many of my goals."

Sentence #3: Eliminate the word first. Too many transitions too close together make you sound like you're trying to hard. Also, it would just be "I", not "I've." The H in "High" would not be capitalized.

Sentence #4: Grade should be plural (grades) and the numbers should be spelled out. Add a comma at the end of the sentence and attach a piece explaining why learning Arabic was important to you.

Sentence #5: Great transition. Spell out 11, or put "junior year."

Sentence #6: Great sentence.

Sentence #7: Would read better if it went something like: "By participating in and completing this course, I was able to learn and acquire many leadership qualities. Many projects and several hours of volunteer work, such as assisting the incoming freshman adjust to the transition between middle and high school, helped me exercise these newfound abilities."

Sentence #8: Begin a new paragraph here. Make sure not to use the transition "furthermore" more than one time. Extend the sentence to read "I was fortunate enough to participate in an online conference for my World issues class, an experience that was important to me because it taught me X and Y."

Section 2

Sentence #1: Make this a continuation of the paragraph established by the last sentence.

Sentence #2: "The online conference was made by International Communication and Negotiation Simulations Center for International Development and Conflict Management Department of Government & Politics, University of Maryland (ICONS) and was took place on an international level."

Sentence #3: "My group’s responsibility was to come up with a proposal of International Terrorism." You really need to rework this sentence. It sounds like you were trying to come up with a terrorism plot. This will not go over very well at the University.

Sentence #4. "Many of the countries that participated at an international level were the US, UK, China, Russia, South Africa, and many others." Rewrite this as: "Some of the countries that participated included the United States, United Kingdom, China, Russia, and South Africa." Also, move this sentence up so that it comes before the last sentence (Sentence #3).

Sentence #5: "Our proposal dealt with solutions of how to deal with countries that sponsor terrorism and was a success during the conference." This explains my confusion on the other sentence. However, you need to change it to say: " Our proposal dealt with ways to handle countries that sponsor terrorism. The solutions we created were a great success."

Sentence #6: "On the other hand, I also participated in many non-academic events." This marks the beginning of a new paragraph.

Sentence #7: You are a big fan of two-segmented sentences, I see. Rework this one for a little variety: "I was able to accumulate more than 250 hours of volunteer work during my high school career."

Sentence #8: "I’m happy I had the chance to do humanitarian work, such as food drives, clothing drives, and other non-profit events." They don't care if you're happy. They want to know specifically what you did. If I were you, I would expound on each of these and cite examples of specific drives you were involved in. Lead into those descriptions with this reworked version of this sentence: "During those hours, I was able to participate in many humanitarian efforts, including food drives, clothing drives, and other non-profit events."

Last sentence: Great! Keep it.

Now that I've said all that: You need an effective introduction and conclusion for this paper, and you're set.

Answer 2

In your first paragraph you used the word "furthermore" twice. I suggest that you change one of them to "also".

In your second paragraph this sentence

The online conference was made my ICONS (International Communication and Negotiation Simulations Center for International Development and Conflict Management Department of Government & Politics, University of Maryland) and was taken place at an international level.

does not make sense

Should it be "The online conference was sponsored by ICONS..."? One way or another, "...was made my ICONS..." is incorrect.

Near the end of the sentence you say "... and was taken place at an international level." I believe that you are trying to say "...and took place at an international level."

Your sentence "My group’s responsibility was to come up with a proposal of International Terrorism. " makes it sound as though your group is proposing terrorism. I think you mean that your group's responsibility was to come up with a proposal to address issues of international terrorism (why did you capitalize International Terrorism?).

"Many of the countries that participated at an international level were the US, UK, China, Russia, South Africa, and many others." is awkward. Dropping the initial "Many of the" improves the sentence: Countries that participated at an international level..." but it is still in passive voice. To chance to active voice you could say, "The US, UK, China, Russia, South Africa, and many other countries participated at the international level."

Answer 3

Honestly,this application needs A LOT of work before you should send it in. Judging just from the first sentance--If I would an admissions person, I would not go any further. Its juvenile. Remember, you are trying to impress these people with you BEST writing. Starting a sentance with "Ever since" is informal and not grammatically correct.
Second, looking at format: First paragraph should be about the goals you set. Why did you set them?
Second paragraph should be about how you acheived your goals.
Final paragraph should sum up--what your goals were and how you acheived them.
Remember, you are writing an essay. This should be in essay format. Make a strong point "I am a goal-oriented person, and I acheive my goals through hard work." . The whole essay should be easy to sum up in a glance...the first sentance should convey the entirety of what you are trying to say.
Look up some writing sites on the internet for reference. Get help from your senior english instructor.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Existence is excellent but a creating occupation is not usually a perfect world. As with any task, (both online and off) they all have their share of thorns but if you actually want to be productive in this work then you need to turn into a member of Real Writing Jobs here https://tr.im/Z2r9P .
Real Writing Jobs provide you with a fantastic deal of writing for pay leads so if you want to conserve yourself sometime of doing the analysis operate oneself of finding reputable perform from residence creating leads, than Real Writing Jobs is ideal, practical resolution for landing some excellent creating leads.
In addition, with Real Writing Jobs you could have a search at the operate from house creating options webpage. There are new leads added on a normal basis.
To your creating good results!

Answer 5

I'm expert in gramar andd speliing, so me tell yoo whut yoo did rong. Yoo made aplicashun on da rong day. I goood at da gramer and da speling.

Answer 6

I really like it, but I think you mispelled honors.

Answer 7

i really like it and it just OK

Answer 8

Is it 'Anyways.......' :::: I think its 'Anyway.......'

This is before you started the drone.....