Physical Attraction - B/F's Weird Viewpoint...Advice Please?

Question

My b/f has a very strange viewpoint regarding physical attraction...it's so weird that I'm having a hard time believing that he's telling the truth.

First off, I consider myself generally attractive (not ugly) but I am overweight (considerably, but not huge by any means). Now as his g/f (we've known eachother for 3 years) I find it odd that he's never commented on my looks in any way, shape or form. Also as his g/f, I want to know that he finds me physically desireable (what woman wouldn't want that?). When I ask him if he's attracted to me, he tells me what we ALL think of as an answer to an ugly person who's asking the question..."I'm attracted to who you are, not what you look like." or "It's what's on the inside that I love." I then tell him that, that's the universal answer to someone who is truly ugly on the outside so as to not hurt their feelings. *I'm going to write more details below as I'm running out of space. Please don't answer until details are filled in...thanks...

Then he comes up with this (what I feel is) rediculas story about how he is "different from the norm" and that he doesn't feel physical attraction towards anyone because he sees people for who they are on the inside. I tell him that's BS because I've heard him say how he thinks someone is hot before. He then says "that's a physical observation, not physical attraction." He then lectures me on how (he thinks) I put too much emphasis on looks, which I don't. I simply want to know that my man finds me physically desireable, that it would be nice to hear something like "you look really nice today" or something like that.

The fact that he has to tell such a far-out, drawn out story to avoid answering my question of "Are you attracted to me?" makes me feel utterly REPULSIVE, which I know I'm not, but that's how it makes me feel and it hurts like hell.

I'm having a really hard time believing what he says because it goes against all laws of human physical attraction.

I mean, we, as humans, ALL feel physical attraction or unattraction towards other people (based on our own personal preferences). I'm not saying we all judge people based on their looks or that we should, I'm simply saying that that's how we are instinctively as humans.

I've never heard of a human being who doesn't feel physical attraction towards anyone at all.

It just doesn't make a bit of sense to me.

What's your opinion - Is this a bogus story he made up to avoid telling me he's not physically attracted to me or is he really this saint who truly sees people on the inside ONLY?

I am so confused. Any input appreciated. Thanks.

To answer some questions...yes, we have a normal sex life which he initiates most of the time. Also, I am ready to feel good about myself and lose the weight I need to...but I need to get some blood tests done first because most of this weight gain came without logical reason. I recently got off an antidepressant that I took for 5 years and gained 20 pounds without eating any differently or doing anything differently, which my doctor says is very unusual. Thanks for all answers.

Answer 1

There are enough details here already.

Do you really want him to honestly tell you what he thinks about how you look after these comments?

He clearly loves you. You are hurting him by putting such a fine point on his opinion of your looks. You are hurting him very much because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and you are focing this issue. He can either lie to you or tell you the truth, either way one of you gets hurt. This can't be what you want.

You know what you look like and so does he.

And, there is a great big gap between pretty and ugly but not so great a gap between generally attractive and ugly.

You have a wonderful guy there, who loves your insides and your mind, and who is honest with you.

Don't make him into a liar to make yourself feel better. You know very well that if he said you were absolutely beautiful he would be lying and if he said even that you were beautiful in his eyes that would not be enough for you either.

He loves you just as you are, not many men out there like him. If you want to hear certain compliments then earn them. Make yourself over. IF your man is as genuine as he seems, he may not compliment you then either but, that is what it is going to take for you to realize that he is sincere and so, now it's up to you.

Answer 2

I'm going to start answering - sorry. Attraction is definitely in part determined by a person's personality, their "vibe", if you will, and the way they carry themselves. On the other hand, I don't think I'd be satisfied if my boyfriend NEVER told me "You're hot" "I think you are beautiful" etc. Then again, I wouldn't be satisfied if I were considerably overweight. I need to feel confident in my body, and know that a man can appreciate my body, and that is why I work out 6 times a week and watch what I eat to make dam* sure that I look GREAT. It sounds like you want your boyfriend to say that you look totally hot - which is completely understandable - but are you willing to put in the effort to make yourself totally hot??? Most people aren't. So I think either you should accept that he loves you for who you are on the inside, which is great, or put in the kind of work necessary to get to a point where you KNOW that you look hot, with the assumption that your boyfriend will start to love you for your hot looks as well.

Based on the additional details you wrote, I DO think he's full of shi* about not being physically attracted to anyone. However, does he want to have sex with you a lot? Is he affectionate? If the answers to those questions are yes - then I think he does find you physically attractive. If he doesn't want to have sex with you, it doesn't matter what comes out of his mouth, he needs to go!

As far as what the girl below me said, I don't think that he'd be lying if he told you he thought you were beautiful - I think that if you're in love with someone, you may know that they aren't conventionally "hot" but you should be so in love with them that you think they are totally hot. Know what I mean?

Answer 3

Okay, first, I'll give you that it sounds weird. And I'm with you that he does find others hot ... BUT he chooses to be with you. And unless you thnk he's cheating on you then the only problem is his reaction to you. You feel insecure, but it doesn't sound like he's giving you a reason to feel this way (you may want to work on your insecurities). It may be that he sees the other women as hot, but he sees them as objects (a thing), not a person. He loves you, of course he's going to see and feel differently about you. You are a person to him, NOT an object. Someone I spent a lot of my life with used to react the same way to her few extra pounds. And when I said that I liked what I saw. She responded with, "That's just because you love me." That was exactly the point. I loved her and love covers a lot of flaws.

Secondly, you've been together for three years, have you told him this? I don't mean have you yelled it at him, or fought about it. I mean rationally discussed how his reaction makes you feel. Don't just let him apologize. The two of you should talk about it and then come up with a way to feel okay about this together.

Lastly, he's human, he is physically attracted to others (just as you are), but just like you may notice a "nice butt" he notices when someone's hot. But probably just like you that's as far as it goes, e.g., "Nice butt, but I've got a man," "She's hot, but I've got a woman."

Enjoy, and don't over think. Sounds like life is good and you've gone looking for problems.

Answer 4

Your boyfriend reminds me of my ex husband....ask a simple question and by the end of their BS you're totally exhausted!

Relationships need to be worked at to survive but, it shouldn't have to feel like you're climbing Mt. Everest everyday!

Sorry but, your boyfriend sounds like an idiot!

Answer 5

Well, he's been with you for 3 years - that must count for something, does it not? (Unless you are filthy rich.)

You state that you are overwieght, so why press him? If you are happy with your size, and he isn't hounding you to slim, I'm unsure as to the dilemma here.

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."