If you could choose to change your spouse or change yourself for your spouse? Which would you choose?

Question

Which of these options would you choose to do and why? Which one would be more effective in your relationship and or marriage? If you would want to change your spouse what would you want to change and why and if you would want to change yourself to be a better spouse what would you change about yourself and why? I am looking for feedback on this as this should be a really interesting topic:) Do you feel it is more important to change the other person or change yourself first? Thanks in advance everyone.

Answer 1

I would choose to change myself. I would want (my now ex-spouse) to want to change for herself and possibly me as well.

Regardless of what faults I may believe she had, I'm in no way perfect. That's the approach I took, and believe I'm a better man, even if I'm now divorced.

She took the approach that I was totally to blame, and felt a different man was the solution to her problems. So, in my estimate, she learned little if anything about herself, solved no issues, and now faces a lot of guilt.

She is unable to look me in the eye and avoids me at all costs.

I believe you can only blame the other person for so long, and when you get rid of the other person and things still don't get better, sooner or later you have to face yourself in the mirror and own your own bad traits.

So I'll pick fixing and changing myself every time.

Answer 2

The only thing I would change about my husband, is I wish he could be more flexible and roll with the punches. He is so structure, and if anything is not how he believes they should be, even a person, he gets all stressed out. He always asks me why things don't bother me that much, and I tell him I have been through so much crap in my life (my mother was abusive) I've learned that things do eventually change, get better, then get worse, then get better, etc. You can't control how other people live or think, so why worry about it?

I think it just causes him so much stress that he could live without, ya know?

Answer 3

Compromise, and change, is a necessary element in any marriage. I would be more than willing to change to accomodate the needs of my spouse. If the situation had gotten to the point that one needed to change however, common sense tells me that both sides need to. Neither side is always right, nor always wrong. I would change, and do what was necesssary for her, but I would expect no less in return from her.

Answer 4

I think, it's important NOT to have to change too terribly much, and NOT have to try and change the other person. It is inevitable that people influence each other as their relationship developes, and it brings change about naturally - just by virtue of adjusting to the other person. But ideally it wouldn't be a conscious or laborious process where people HAVE to change in order to stay together. I look at it this way - if I feel that the other person MUST change in order for me to be with them, or if they feel this way about me - we've got no business being together to begin with.

Answer 5

One has to go by the possibilies and then make a choice. In any case, marriage always implies some sort of change by both the parties to suit the other.

Answer 6

I would change first. It only takes ONE party to bring about change in a relationship. I would change my attitude, as well as lose a few pounds. I would want him to change too(He can be pushy and asinine sometimes) but if he didn't change, at least I would know that I put forth the effort. Good luck!!

Answer 7

For a long time I tried changing myself. Then I realized that would be a mistake because I would have to dip down on her level and lose my identity.

If you're asking that question, you probably should just get a divorce.

Answer 8

You can not change another person. It is very difficult to change yourself.

Answer 9

In situations like this, both sides have to change when conflict arises.I would want her to change first however, to show me she is sincere....then I would change also, and "meet her in the middle".

Answer 10

I love my partner - he is absolutely wonderful, an angel. So if I had to change one of us I would improve myself - my appearance, my character, my bank balance. I wouldn't change one single thing about him. I don't know if he'd change anything about me.