What does he need her for?

Question

when he fills the home with new furniture and breaks things at his drunken whim, giving her no escape from his infliction of trauma, days go by and his actions are placed in her memory. they talk againe. after a short seperation. he enters her life againe through some unseen weakness of hope for his recovery, which only gets worse as time passes. What is he doing to her?

Answer 1

Playing with her mind is what he is doing. Put your foot down and refuse to allow it to happen any more....that's the ONLY way it will stop.

Answer 2

What is she doing to herself should be the question. We live in a World of different people form all walks of life and some don't have happy stories to tell.

Raised in a battered life or just poor half their life and then come accross a chance to have something with a Man that is Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde and then can't leave what is sometimes sweet and sometimes horrible. So she decides to put up with what is not as bad as how it was before she met him and she becomes a total vicitm in her own madness with no escape.

She is simply doomed and winds up dead in the end from a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head I shiiit you not!!

Answer 3

He's using her as his anchor of stability. With addiction there is nothing sacred. It can start with the loss or destruction of material things and progress into mental and physical abuse. Until that addiction is addressed by that abuser and he takes permanent action to correct it, the life she leads with him will be an unending roller coaster ride through hell. By staying with him she is enabling him to continue this lifestyle. The best thing for her is to stay away from him until he is ready to commit to long term help and after months of proving to her that he has his life on track. No visits, calls, or even email contact until he has committed himself into an institution that specializes in getting this addiction corrected for no less than a period of four months. If she is willing to stick beside him, she could then discuss some ground rules as to continuing a relationship. By then he will be able to rationally discuss what went wrong and how to avoid it from happening again. Good Luck.

Answer 4

He manipulating her because she is weak, has no self esteem and obviously doesn't see the forest from the trees. Oh...and she has no foresight. Shes deluding herself if she thinks he's going to change. These are also the caliber of men who when and if she finally opens up her eyes and realizes that this is it for life and leaves him...he lays in wait and kills her. Why? Because hes kept her under his thoumb for so long that how dare she speak against him and do anything other than what he wants or says.
Oh yeah. It'll happen. Tell your pal (or if its you then take heed) get out now while there's still time.

Answer 5

It sounds like you are witnessing the dance of the abuser and his co-dependent victim.

People stay in relationships because they get what they want/need out of them. In a disfunctional relationship, that is still true: the victim and the abuser are both getting something they need out of the relationship, although what they need is not the same as people in healthy relationships.

You have to understand that the victim is also getting needs met in the abusive relationship, which is why victims of abuse have such a hard time leaving.

This is a website that has given me a lot of insight into the dance of the abuser and victim: http://www.drirene.com/

Within this site, there is much information about the psychology of the abuser: http://www.drirene.com/abuserpages.htm

The victim: http://www.drirene.com/victimpages.htm

Codependency: http://www.drirene.com/copage.htm

Breaking the cycle of abuse is much more difficult than it seems. It is helpful to understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship if you want to try to help someone who is in an abusive relationship. It just isn't that easy to get them out.

Answer 6

He is very insecure and his identity is not firmly established so he plays a psycological game on her out of fear driven by his own weaknesses.

He is messing with her head because he knows it works. He has testosterone poisoning!

What makes me mad is that those kind of men won't accept that their woman loves them even with their weaknesses but they still think they are performing for society as a masculine testosterone poisoned whole and the only way to control their fear is to instil fear on the person they claim to love most.

They have psycological problems and need to start admiting that they are weak, and what can they do to better themselves and those around them.

Answer 7

And sounds like my marriage at the last year in a half. And what he doing to her, it's more like what she is allowing him to do. One day she going to realize she in control of her life. Right now she so caught up in feelings she blind to whats healthy for her. She allowed him to trauma her to the point that she has no real straight to let go. She don't realize she need help from God to give her that wisdom and stenght to let it go and to educate her self to a point where her mind opens up. A man will keep doing and doing as long as we allow them to. This man keeps do it because he's allowed to. I know this very well. I allowed my husband to for years actually. And last year I finally drew the line in the sand. It was hard it actually took a year in a half to really say no more, am done. It took me that long to set my mind up and visits with God in my moments of feeling worthless, and quilt time, telling God I can't take this no more please take this away and when I had time I would read education books about relationships by Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger and listen to her talk radio show on 640am 12noon-3pm Mon-Fri southern Ca time.Maybe you can tell your friend about it. She the one who really needs to end it. For good.

Answer 8

He is wearing her down emotionally,physically and mentally. He is in a roll formed somewhere in her own mind as "a victim of his own circumstance" and she is taking up the roll of "his Savior". It is difficult too accept the "failure" too rescue someone,and so she will put up with an unbelievable amount of pain and suffering, rather than give up the fight too "save" him. He is drowning and she is clinging to him in the hope she can keep him above water and get him too shore. While all the time he is fighting against her and is dragging her under the waves with him, where they both will drown. There comes a point where she must decided if she wants too drown with him or save herself, for those are the options, there is no option of saving him. He must want too be saved, or save himself. I hope that you realize soon that your life is just as valuable as his and manage too get yourself too shore. It is amazing how quickly some people learn too swim for themselves. when thrown in at the deep end /set adrift, he may even make his own way to shore someday, when he has no one to fight against.

Answer 9

He needs her to keep abusing her because she is weak and stupid and loves drama and he knows she will keep coming back for another a s s -kicking because she has no spine and scant few brains.

That's what he needs her for - to knock her up so they can have some screwed up kids who will beat their wives and continue the cycle of violence.

Anything else we can do for you?

Answer 10

False promises. Get him sober, and then go to marriage counseling or read some relationship books. He's got to want to change and aknowledge that he has a problem. You're not perfect either, you need to let him know that you want to be a better wife, and maybe then he'll be more prone to making some changes.