Hard to cope with wifes past?

Question

I am married (11yrs) 2 children,my wife told me about her first boyfriend how they slept and also that she had an abortion with his child she told me before we married but each and every day it is getting hard for me to come to terms with her past i am a catholic so i dont aprove of abortion under these conditions i want to talk to her again about it but feel i may lose my temper i dont know wether to have it out and leave or carry on because i could not stand to leave my children but thorts of her and him together are tearing me up inside also my wife was my first love which makes it harder to realise she has had sex with someone else please any advice would be welcome

Answer 1

The past is the past. The past is what made each and everyone of us who we are today. You have no right to judge or be angry with her past. She can't change it. You should've NEVER married her if you were going to be this angry over her past.

I feel bad for your wife.

Answer 2

Christ pal.....over a decade ago and you're letting this eat at you. let me tell you something. I'm Catholic too. You have a wife that has stayed married to you, had 2 great kids from the relationship and i assume you're all church going as well. Lay off. At least she had the decency to tell you this. You think that you're going to toss everything I just mentioned out the window because of some archiac belief of the church? Has she had any abortions since your marriage? No...course not. Even Mary magdeline was forgiven for her "sins". So lighten up. Plus....I'm sorry but you make me laugh with the remark you find it hard to believe that she had sex with someone else before you. Mah-rone!
My friend if you even so much as let these insignificant details ruin an 11 year marriage because your pride is injured (and thats what it is...nothing more. Say...isn't pride a sin?) and an abortion when she was probably a teenager then you're the one whose being selfish, self centered and unforgiving. Although I don't consider these two things anything that requires pennance for. Frankly I would have much rather seen a woman get an abortion and practice birth control later...(oh yeah...is that still as sin as well and rythym is still the preferred method?) than have her life disrupted by the birth of a child at a young age.
I don't mock you or the church. I'm not ashamed to say that for a long time now I do not subscribe to church doctrines. I believe that if a woman wants an abortion for whatever reasons that should be her choice and not the church...and especially not the government.
So...I ask that instead of subscribing to church doctrines blindly look long and hard at certain things. The church isn't going to raise your children, see that they get a good education and be that warm and loving person who shares herself and everything with you. The church won't give you the physical comfort and the security of knowing someone loves you and is there for you. The church only provides spiritual comfort. And spiritual comfort my friend is just a state of mind.
So...come on. Its in the past. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone right?

Answer 3

Its YOU that has the problem, i'm afraid. She was honest with you and told you before you got married and it was AGES ago, before she met you. You can't change the past and you've known about it for at least 11 years so why are you thinking about it now. You need to move on from thinking about this.

I am a Catholic too. Who are you to judge your wife? Doesnt it say in the Bible 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone' ?
Surely you have made mistakes and done things that are wrong. Do you think that in the eyes of God they are any less bad than what your wife did?

She did the best she could in the circumstances she was in at that time. She coped and moved on. It must be hard enough for her when she thinks about the abortion let alone you making it hard for her too.

Most people nowadays have had one or more lovers before marriage. It is no big deal. Maybe what bugs you is the fact that YOU didnt, and you feel you are missing out, or that you missed out when you were younger.

You need to get to grips with this or risk ruining your present over someone's else's past! (which would be ridiculous). Think of your children and be happy she is with you!

Go to counselling maybe, but don't harp on about it with your poor wife. She LOVES you. You are lucky - so many people are looking for a loving partner. Don't throw it all away.

Answer 4

I can understand how you are having a tough time with this, since you are a catholic. But you did marry her despite what her past consisted of. Catholics also believe "till death do you part" and Vows are important...more important then her past. Each person has a past filled with regrets & secrets. You are lucky your wife opened up to you about her past regrets and secrets this shows how honest she is. Honesty is a trait hard to find and if she loves you...that is even tougher to find. The past also teaches people about who they are today, so I would refrain on making this narrow prospective into a debait of wether or not you should stay with her. I am sure you have had things in your past that your wife has been told about...I am sure she is not debating over a divorce over it. Be careful and explore out side of the box...in a marriage it is not just your beliefs that are important...she has a life and beliefs to. If you cannot accept that...then you should have never married in the first place. Good Luck to you.

Answer 5

I feel for your wife. She was honest and now she is paying for it. The past is past. If you can't get over it, you shouldn't have married her. I have absolutely no sympathy for you. People do a lot of crazy and sometimes inappropriate things while young. As far as abortion, well obviously her views differ from yours and it is LEGAL in the U.S. regardless of your position on it. That was years ago - move on. You claim you're Catholic yet you don't walk the walk - you just talk the talk like most christians do. You should practice what Jesus not only preached, but lived - forgiveness. If I know this as an Atheist, you should know it as a Christian. I've always said that I never had a problem with Jesus - just his fan club. I suggest you do a little self analogy and see if you can cast the first stone. I guess she should have never told you. It seems that honesty always bites you in the butt. No good deed goes unpunished I always say.....

Answer 6

4 ur own sanity & ur families future, u need 2 talk openly with ur wife about this.
arrange a time 2 talk & agree that u will both b honest & candid.
THEN U MUST LET IT GO.
leave it there IN THE PAST.
what happened b4, was outta of ur control.

we all have a past & things that have happened that no matter how much we would like it 2 b different, IT CAN'T BE CHANGED NOW.
U have responsibilities & people rely on U.
Isn't ur Marriage worth the effort?
if i were U i'd sort out some counselling,
praps discussing this with a neutral party may put it more in 2 perspective & show U that U cannot afford 2 let this damage u or ur marriage.

Answer 7

i am surprised this has festered for the 11 years you have been married!!!
i feel there must be something lacking in your marriage for you to be dwelling on this after all this time.
The past has happened and nothing you do can will change it.
why is this such an issue now? you have family with her and she loves you.
are we not entitled to make mistakes?
Your wife didn't have to tell you her past but did because she trusted you would understand and stand by her, You don't know the true circumstances as to why she had the abortion.
Why would you leave a perfectly good marriage?
i think you both should consider marriage counselling.

Think carefully or you could lose everything you have with your wife. She loves you. She chose to marry you and have your children. remember that................

Answer 8

When you marry somebody, you marry the baggage they bring. If you knew about this before you were married but married her anyways, you accepted it. It's over.

If she LIED to you, or hid something from you, and now you are finding out about it - this will need some discussion, but unless you are prepared to end your marriage over it (which I don't think you want to) then you need to get to the bottom of it, and forgive her for any misrepresentation she might have made. And then it's over.

What's most important about things from the past is the ATTITUDE with which they reflect on it - if she realizes she was young, careless and dumb and has matured beyond that, there is nothing more you can ask of her. If her attitude is "oh yeah, I screwed everybody, got pregnant and got rid of the kid. Those were great times" then you have an issue. I suspect her attitude is the first one.

Don't let the past eat you up. It is what it is. Unless she has engaged in some coverup conspiracy to deceive you, I don't see any reason to "go to the mat" over this.

Answer 9

ok first its been 11 years lets be real if this was going to be a problem for you it took a long time for these feelings to surface you were catholic when she told you and you either went along with the relationship out of love for this woman or thought you could deal with the blow to your beliefs so after 11 years and 2 children why is it so hard for you to deal with now? were you a virgin when you married her? did you have no women in your past?if you carry on as you say for the children where did the feelings for your wife go?i am sorry for your struggle but it sounds more like the 7 year itch four years to late.talk to your wife about your feelings but be ready to be asked the same questions i just asked you.i think the fact that this woman was honest with you and told you things she thought you were either wanting or needing to know says alot about her and you should be more thankful for her honesty then upset with her choices she made in the life she had before you.the choice to have a abortion had to have been a living hell for her and i am sure it was not made without alot of soul searching and if she had a good man in her life then things might not have been this way but who knows for sure other then her so close your mouth and open your ears and your heart you might find she is the same person she always was it might be you that has changed after 11 years...........good luck

Answer 10

Why are you still coping with this after eleven years? You knew the situation before you got married, and NOW you're thinking about leaving? Maybe you should seek counseling? And you mention that your wife WAS your first love -- are you seeing someone else, or thinking of it?

You made a commitment, and brought children into this world. Stop being selfish, and thinking about your self. Your children didn't ask to be born, and don't deserve to be abandoned because of your irrationality.

Talk to your wife, and get some help.

Answer 11

You have known about this for over 11 years and you still have not come to terms with it? You need to seek counseling or be honest with yourself and your wife that you just can't handle the fact that she had a life before you and leave.

It is not fair to judge your wife for her life BEFORE you, our experiences shape who we are and if you love her, you love the person she is, having gone through what she has.

You knew about her past and still married her, then had two children with her. Man up and stop dwelling on the fact that she is a human being. She obviously loves you to have stayed with you for this long.

As far as having an abortion, you have no idea what her situation was at the time. She probably still thinks about that herself from time to time, and if you dredge all that up again it may do more harm than you expected.

YOU need to figure this out on your own. It's your issue.