Who should make the first move after argument?

Question

My fiance and I had a big row on Sunday - basically because he has bad mood swings and is really cold and rude to me when he is having one of his moods, which makes me feel totally unloved and miserable. I flew off the handle and stormed about for a bit, but 4 days later and we are still ignoring each other despite living in the same house. Usually it is me who makes the first move to get things back to normal after a fall-out, but I really feel this time he is in the wrong and should apologise. He looks as if he could keep up the cold shoulder act for for ever, however I am feeling really upset and depressed by it and want things back to normal. what should I do? (I do love him by the way!)

Answer 1

Wow...guess what? A lot of men get like this.

He knows why you left that day, you were both there when it happend, so neither of you needs a re-cap of the situation. That's like throwing it in his face. He knows he's being stupid when he gets a wild hair up his butt and acts nasty. I'm sure he is still giving the cold shoulder cause he feels stupid. You left the house after arguing and now that he knows he really pissed you off, he doesn't know what you're going to do. And since you're not speaking to him, what better way for him to protect his feelings, than wait for you to come to him.

I'll tell you this....it is so not worth getting worked up when men have their little hissy fits. My boyfriend gets them when he's having a bad day at work, he's hungry or when he wakes up in the morning and didn't sleep good. I think that if you take the time to notice when the moods hit, you'll learn why and its probably along the same lines as what I listed. You know it has nothing to do with you, so don't worry about it. You're his fiance, the one he trusts the most, the one he is most comfortable, so I'm sure you do get the majority of his nastiness. I'm not saying that it is right, it's just human nature.

I've found that the key is to almost make a joke of his nastiness. For example, he'll say that he's getting hungry, and I'll tell him, "yes baby, let's get you some food before you get all nasty" and I'll laugh. Or when he wakes up pissy I'll say (in a concerned tone), "goodness, you didn't sleep good, did you?" or later in the day I'll tell him, "baby you were so pissy this morning, I had get out of your way before you pissed me off." And I'll laugh. Or if he's grouchy for no reason when I come home I'll say, "Doesn't sound like you had a good day today, huh?" By saying all of this he'll start to notice just how often you are saying it, which in turn is how often he is being nasty. It lets him know that he needs to watch his mouth and think before he speaks because no one in their right mind will be able to put up with it for too long. My situation now is to where he thinks before he speaks, he has his moments but he's learned to control it.

Some of the other people are telling you to dump him, or rip him a new one about how he made you mad.....but the truth is, it isn't going to do any good. You love this man, I know you do, it's just going to take time. And you know that he loves you so why let his little hissy fit, that has nothing to do with you, make you feel unloved?

My suggestion would be to go over to him when he's relaxed on the couch or something, whisper in his ear that you're sorry for flying off the handle and leaving but you're over it now, then give him a kiss on the cheek, tell him you love him and leave the room to the kitchen or something. Give him a few mins and let it all sink in. He'll know what you mean and you will be the bigger person for letting it go, for sticking by him when times are rough. He'll know that you're in it for the long haul even when he has a little f**k up, and he'll have more respect for you than he ever did before. Then go back to acting as if everything is normal. You aren't excusing him for his behavior, you're owning up to your actions.

I'm not saying that you don't deserve an apology, because you really do, but he'll apologize, verbally or or with his actions, he will. Just don't expect him to run in the room after you apologizie. Give him a little bit of time to scrape his pride up off the ground and get himself together.

Its all worked for me when I was feeling like I was already one foot out the door. I decided to give him that chance I knew no one else had bothered to give him. I gave him the time he needed to figure out that its his actions that have made him end up single and alone in the past. I knew he was worth it to me. Plus, if it were me, I know I would pray for someone to give me that wake up call.

I never reply with such a lengthy response, but I felt like this one needed it. To let you know that you really aren't the only couple going through it and that it really is possible to get on the right track, and to learn the reasoning for why people act the way they do when it isn't how we would act.

Good Luck.

Answer 2

Do you want to be right or do you want to be in love. It is just that simple.

Always say you are sorry, even if it isn't your fault. Who cares who is right and who is wrong.

If your spouse is miserable and rude to you, it is because there is something inside of him, eating at him. This is what you should be trying to get, not how his mood swings effect you but why he has them at all.

You are not ready for marriage, I am sorry, but you are far too self centered for a long term relationship.

Break it off as nicely and gently as you can. Remember, you don't need to denigrate someone or make them out to be the villain, to justify breaking off a relationship. You don't need a reason but, is it possible he is trying to give you one? Could you be missing the clues? Is he creating a situation that is tailor made to get you to leave him? Put your ego aside for a few minutes, because it is your ego that is hurt, and think about it as if it were happening to someone else.

If you did love him, that would have been your overriding theme of this question, not a tack on at the end.

Inspect your feelings. I suspect that neither of you want the other, but you both want something that will let you justify a break up.

Good luck, you really need it.

Answer 3

He's bullying you, and you have to make a stand before it becomes a way of life for you both. this is not about who should make the first move after an argument; it's about control and him being in control. What is he afraid of that he needs to behave in this way?
My aprtner , when I met him 10 years ago, was a sulker. He could maintain a totally cold silence for days on end. It freaked me out; we were both in our forties - and the idea of a man of that age sulking was so laughable that I told him to grow up and stop sulking. I refused to tolerate the sulks. If he was trying to shut me out, I would speak normally to him for a few sentences, and if the silence continued, I would say;
"you are a grown man, and adults do not behave in this way."
I had to let a few shouts at him from time to time; he could be very bullying, obnoxious in fact, just like your guy, and say awful things to me; and never apologise.
Gradually, I stopped caring, and I didn't let it get to me; I made my own arrangements for socialising, kept my life busy, and often left him in the house alone with his sulks. Once I made him get out of the car because of his behaviour; several times I have driven off to social occasions without him(he doesn't drive).
He has mellowed considerably. I heard him saying to his friend recently about me "She's more than able for me!"
I wonder if your b/f has got used to the fact that you always make the first move?
Tell him, quite honestly , how you feel. Tell him you are deeply hurt, not just by his being wrong - but by his failure to even meet you halfway.
Then leave the room, and let it sink in.
If it does not bring about a response, ask yourself if anyone is worth all this hassle?

Answer 4

It takes the 'bigger' person to make the first move. Tell him how upset you are and that you find it difficult to cope when he is in one of his moods but that you are sorry for the part you played in the row ie flying off the handle. If he has recurring mood swings frequently and you are basically unhappy I would take a long hard look at your relationship and decide if it will ever change and if not do you really want to stay in such a destructive relationship?

Answer 5

Neither, you both need to come together and find a solution. You can fight fair. No name calling or bringing up the other person's past. You two are acting like toddlers that didn't get their way. You expect to have a healthy marriage acting like 2 year olds? No, not gonna happen. Go talk to him. This sibling rivalry act in a marriage doesn't work out. You two need to do some serious talking and start changing some of your behaviors.

Answer 6

Making the first move after all this time is going to take some courage, but its clear that he isn't going to. If you really love him and want this to work out, then you have to move first. But you should say, I reacted the way I did because of how you made me feel, I know it was an overreaction, but you have to understand how I am feeling. Don't blame him, make him see that his actions hurt you. If he doesn't care, pack a bag and get to your nearest girlfriend/relative because he isn't worth your trouble my lovely.

Answer 7

These are the kind of issues that can tear apart a relationship. If you flew off the handle and stormed off, perhaps he thinks you were being immature. Having said that, I totally understand what it's like to live with someone with mood swings. Been there, done that.
Think about the long term picture here. Are these mood swings occurring very often? If they are, be warned. They don't usually clear up by themselves. I know of many relationships that have been destroyed by mood swings. It's almost impossible to live a happy life with someone when you don't know what to expect.

Answer 8

I'm often in this position.

You're probably going to have to be the one to break the ice. But do it cleverly, and don't back down from your position. You can say things like, "I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings when I flew off the handle and stormed about, and I'm sorry that I said X, Y or Z. It was really uncalled for. But it does hurt my feelings when you do A, B, and C. I really want to get along, and I do love you. I want to find a way to fix this. How do you feel about it?"

Then, leave the rest up to him. If he ignores, you, repeat this daily if you need to, until he relents and decides to talk.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you've invested so much of your time and energy into another person; you've made a solemn promise; and you still know there's love, even if it's hiding underneath the surface. This website will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you're the only one trying https://tr.im/CjR6l

Answer 10

If even I feel I am right I say I am sorry - since I love my spouse with all my heart I dont want arguments to hold us back. I try to forget everything and act like nothing happended

Answer 11

You should make the first move, it will put him in a good mood. sometimes u don't feel like it but it is better that the innocent one says sorry rather than no-one