Are marriage counselors/retreats really helpful?

Question

My husband and I are in need of some marriage help, however I am not sure if counseling would be a waste of time and money.

I also looked into these marriage retreats, and I even considered them as well, but again, not sure if it will be a waste of time, and even more money.

Has anyone ever had any experience with either, and if so, did it help? What do you think would be more effective, regular counseling, or a "retreat" atmosphere?

Any guidance is greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

A marriage counselor can be very helpful, but only as far as changing YOUR behavior. If you go into marriage counseling with the idea of making your spouse change HIS behavior, you are wasting your time and money. There is no force in the universe strong enough to make someone else change the way they behave if they do not want to change.

If you go into marriage counseling with an open mind, and with the intention of learning how you, and only you, can change your behavior to make the marriage work better, and if you are willing to make the effort, it can be life-changing.

But if you go into marriage counseling with the idea that counseling is something that is done TO you, that there will be magic of some sort performed that will effortlessly make everything all right, or if you scorn the idea that you might need to change your behaviors or attitudes, or if you aren't willing to work at your marriage, then yes, you are wasting your time and money.

It's my observation that some people go into counseling or therapy with the idea that counseling is something that is done upon them, that the counselor or therapist is supposed to diagnose the problems and come up with a "cure" of some kind. It doesn't work like that. The counselor can help you to see things in a way that you didn't see them before, can help you to find root causes for some behaviors that aren't good for the marriage, can assist you in clearing away side issues to see what the real problems are. But the counselor cannot solve anything FOR you. Once you understand what the issues are and what your options are, it's up to you.

My mom saw a marraige counselor for many years. My dad refused to go. My dad is bipolar and has personality disorder issues as well, and there was nothing anyone could do to "fix" those problems. I do think the counselor helped my mom to understand that she couldn't "fix" my dad, that if she wanted to stay in the marriage, she had to learn to change her behaviors to cope with my dad in ways that were less stressful to her. The counselor also put it very bluntly to my mom that leaving my dad was a viable option under the circumstances, and helped her explore some of her feelings about that option.

Just understand that marriage counselors don't, of themselves, fix anything in a marriage. That isn't their job. They help you to understand what you can do, but the actual work is up to you.

Answer 2

if you both really want to save your marriage then it isn't a waste of money to seek out counseling. retreats are pretty expensive any way you look at it. try the counseling first. if one or both of you feel there is no hope and aren't willing to listen to a counseler or compromise, then it could very well be a waste of time and money.

Answer 3

It's worth it for a few sessions if you got some issues, but then they try to sell you into keep coming back. They do get paid by the hour after all it is a business. It's beneficial, but not a magical cure for life's problems. Basically a paid for argument with a referee.

Answer 4

I tried counseling with my first wife at her insistence. Took some psychological tests and it turned out I knew her better than she knew herself and she didn't know me at all. Besides that she'd slept with half the men in north Houston, so the decision to divorce the soul-eating whore was easy. I don't think either one of us was really committed to the counseling - I know I wasn't at all, so it was doomed from the start. The only thing I ever figured out was how my ex actually thought. Her mind was simple and she was a moron.

Answer 5

I think they would be helpful..if your marriage is in trouble..you could learn a lot more about each others thoughts and needs from counseling..i mean what do you have to loose?