All you smart english people, please read this :)?

Question

Hi, I'm doing my Univeristy application and I had to answers a question about my career plans, goals, and interests. I need to make it perfect so please comment on what you think...Also, if possible can you try to shorten 7 more words because the limit is 300 words. Thank You so much!

My grandfather was an engineer, my dad is an engineer, and I’m an engineer by heart. Ever since I was a child, my dad would drive me around and sometimes he would fuel up for gas. I always wondered where all this “infinite” amount of gas came from. Later, I discovered that some of our resources aren’t renewable, and when I learnt this, I was even more interested in this course of study and researched about all the different resources our earth possesses. I have always been fascinated by this and wanted be part of a program which uses these resources to benefit the growing needs of our society. From that point on, I wanted to become a Geological Engineer. I believe that Waterloo is a great institute where I can practise and enhance my skills. Over the past few years, I’ve been given the opportunity to be a leader many times throughout High School and in volunteer work.

As mentioned before, I took the Peer Mediation course and learned how to deal with conflicts and sustain the qualities a leader possesses. Furthermore, I feel I’m physically and mentally ready for any task that’ll be given to me in University or in the work place because I have a well-constructed and organized plan after I graduate. With the vast amount of coop programs offered, I can gain experience and work for the best oil companies in the nation. I’m not afraid to move away to places like Alberta or even Dubai, where they’re constructing oil fields just ready to be searched by Geological Engineers. Also, my Data Management teacher, Mr. Jay, who was an alumni of Waterloo in 1986, was impressed and dazzled when I told him about my career plans. Overall, I’ve done extensive research and I believe this field of study is perfect for me!

Hey Answers #1, THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!! Everything is reduced to exactly 300 words and thanks for your help :)

But are there any other mistakes I should be aware of? Thanks

Hey Thanks soo much :) Everything has been fixed and looks perfect thanks to you guys :)

Answer 1

Later, I discovered that some of our resources aren’t renewable and I was even more interested in this course of study. I started to research about all the different resources our earth possesses.

Or-- I was even more interested in this course of study, including all the different resources our earth possesses..

The "After i learnt this" part is repeatitive since you already said you discovered it.

You could cut out "Over the past few years" from the throughout high school part.



"As mentioned before, I took the Peer Mediation course and learned how to deal with conflicts and sustain the qualities a leader possesses."

-Cut out the as mentioned before because you didn't mention it anywhere before this..

"I’m not afraid to move away to places like Alberta or even Dubai, where they’re constructing oil fields just ready to be searched by Geological Engineers"

-just ready to be searched by Geological Engineers, doesn't make sense to me, i would consider rewording this.

"Also, my Data Management teacher, Mr. Jay, who was an alumni of Waterloo in 1986, was impressed and dazzled when I told him about my career plans."

I wold get rid of this sentence all together.. Too much of a pat on the back.

"Overall, I’ve done extensive research and I believe this field of study is perfect for me!"

Because of the research i've done, i believe this field of study will be perfect for me!

-the i've done extensive reasearch part is repeatitive..

Other than that, i think it'll be good! lol.
I'm a dork, i love proofreading.

Yeah, as she mentioned below, the waterloo thing seems out of place. Is that the school you are attending?
-Should say something about i believe waterloo (college or university) will be a good place to study,, something along those lines.

Answer 2

My grandfather was an engineer, my father is an engineer, and I am an engineer by heart. When I was a child, my father would take me driving when he fueled up with gas. I always wondered where this “infinite” amount of gas came from. Later, I discovered that some of our resources aren’t renewable, I then became even more interested in this course of study. Then started researching about all the different resources our earth possesses. I have always been fascinated by this and wanted be part of a program which uses these resources to benefit the growing needs of our society. From that point on, I wanted to become a Geological Engineer. I believe that Waterloo is a great institute where I can practise and enhance my skills. [Why is this here? It seems out of place. (Over the past few years, I’ve been given the opportunity to be a leader many times throughout High School and in volunteer work.]

I took the Peer Mediation course and learned how to deal with conflicts and learned the qualities of a leader. Furthermore, I feel I’m physically and mentally ready for any task given to me in University or the work place, because I have a well-constructed and organized plan when I graduate. With the vast amount of coop programs offered, I can gain experience and work for the best oil companies in the nation. I’m not afraid to move anywhere needed, such as: Alberta or even Dubai, where oil fields are being readied for research by Geological Engineers. My Data Management teacher, Mr. Jay, who was an alumni of Waterloo in 1986, was impressed when I told him of my career plans. Overall, I’ve done extensive research and I believe this field of study is perfect for me!

Answer 3

Changes I’d suggest:
I’m an engineer at heart.
As a child watching my father fuel up, I would always wonder where…
Practice (that’s the American spelling)
With the vast number of co-op programs… (number is correct, not amount)
Instead of “I’m not afraid to move away,” try a more positive phrasing, such as “I’m prepared to live in places like…”
Don't start sentences with "Also,"
If you mention Mr. Jay (which probably isn’t needed) use his full name, and skip the “impressed and dazzled” part.
If Mr. Jay is writing a letter of recommendation, or was the person who suggested Waterloo to you, then say something like, “Mr. Fred Jay, a 1986 graduate of Waterloo College (or University, whichever is the correct title – but use the full name of the college), recommended your Geological Engineering program to me.”