HELP! Can't take the ex-wife and his children?

Question

I've been with my husband for 9yrs. for the first 6, his ex had custody of the (2 daughters) children. She took us to court every 6mos. for support increases. 5yrs. ago his oldest daughter wanted to live with us. 4yrs. we've had custody of his children, now 17 & 11. And for the past 3yrs. we've been in court every 6-8 mos. for his ex trying to get the kids back. We've had children services called on us 4 times in almost 2 yrs. (all unfounded) His children report every detail that goes on in our home, we have no privacy, his ex has a 5" thick notebook full of our lives that the children have reported. His children bad mouth my husband & me constantly, claim verbal & physical abuse, cause they want to move back to mom. I can't tolerate the emotional abuse his children & ex are dishing out. 9 yrs. of Hell! I want to leave, but I love my husband. It's not getting better, it's getting worse! Do I leave this "abusive" marriage? I have 3 kids of my own to think about. Please help!

It's hard to write 9yrs. down with limited space. We took the children from his ex because they weren't being cared for. The youngest had 8 teeth pulled in 2yrs. at the age of 5 while in her mom's custody. They weren't eating good, the oldest was skipping school, drinking & smoking at the age of 13 & almost failed 7th grade and so on. That is why we got custody. We've tried the sit downs and explain what hurt they are causing. I'm an excellent stepmom & have always treated the girls as if they were my own. I come from a divorced family and know. My husband is a wonderful father & does everything for them. There is more freedom, less supervision at mom's & no discipline. The oldest never looses privledges at mom's for failing grades & gets to do whatever. She is even allowed to smoke at mom's. My husband keeps them here because it's in their best interest, which it is, but at what expense? I can't take it anymore. No matter what we do for them, it's not good enough.

I did NOT mean "abusive" marriage; I meant "emotional abuse". ***' on 9 years of ongoing, monthly, sometimes weekly HELL!

Answer 1

Is there a reason he doesn't allow them to go back to their mother's. They want to go, mom wants to take them.

Is this a power struggle between him and his ex-wife? From the limited information here, it sure looks like one.

I would not call this an abusive marriage. Horrible circumstances, yes, abusive, no.

It's a tough call. No one wants to be kept from their children, be they mother or father. Do you reward the children for their dishonest behavior, or do you just let the go and be free of the hassle.

Personally, I think you sit the children down and tell them that as long as they are going about getting their way in this childish, and underhanded fashion, that you and your husband will NOT support them.

See if you can teach the children a healthy way to get what they want. By making an effective and persuasive argument for their position.

See if you can teach the children to negotiate, rather than participate in a power struggle.

Of course, dad must be willing to do the same.

Otherwise, if this doesn't work, then give fair warning, that if he continues the power struggle, he will lose your support, and eventually lose you.

That's not a threat, it's an honest assessment of how you feel and what you are willing to support and not support. It's called a boundary. It's all about what you are willing or not willing to do.

It appears to me you are not willing to live in the middle of this power struggle.

Answer 2

Well talk to your husband and see what he thinks. I know it is hard to get along with the kids but you have to understand their mom is feeding them with hate . Try and kill them with kindness . I have 3 step kids and they were the same way . We have custody of 2 and see the other 1 every weekend . I went through hell with them and their mom for 2 yrs. out of the 8 yrs. weve been together , and finally I said no way I have two kids of my own and I will not let them talk that way to me or my children . I sat down and told them there is 2 things I am going to say to you and you choose what you want . 1 I am not going to let you act this way , I can either be nice of a mean as ***** . 2 I can respect your feeling and understand how you feel as an adult or I can stoop as low as you and be your enemy . Yeah they thought I was playing . Maybe two months of pure control they woke up . Never ever talk about their mother to them in anger or speak bad about her . They will hate you for life . Sit down with them and tell them we can be friends or enemies it is totally up to you . But you will sit here and listen to my rules and what I want from you .Do not be so hard on the rules .Do not kiss their *** , do not show weakness . When there is a problem , your grounded no T.V. no outside and you will be around me all times not in your room not on the phone you will sit and help me when I need your help . Each time they disrespect you in this time you say thats 1 more day if it continues thats 2 go ahead I dont mind you being around me , I love you . tell them you can decide if we have fun with eachother during your punishment or we mope and groun like enemies . Your choice you make it . GOOD LUCK !!!!!

Answer 3

i think of you're slightly puzzled approximately why human beings are ordered to pay baby help. baby help is on your youngster's economic needs. it fairly is not a cost so which you would be able to bypass on your baby. no rely the place the youngster lives. around the corner to the daddy and the daddy sees the youngster on a daily basis or on the different component of the international and the daddy on no account sees the youngster. the youngster has economic needs. you have an stunning style of anger and don't look waiting to settle for the reality that your husband has a baby by potential of yet another woman and you do in comparison to this baby. perchance you're able to seek for some counseling which will assist you with this undertaking, until now it damages your marriage.

Answer 4

oh the drama of the blended family if mom wants the kids back and they want to go by all mean let them go i would help them pack to move it along.i have a good idea that when they go back the going to court will not end however it will be back to the child support issues but at least you wouldnt have the girls reporting every move you make.if its a power struggle with the parents then you are not going to win in the end nobody will and you have 3 children to think of too so sit down with your husband tell him you have been in this fight for long enough and see what he thinks.i wouldn't say this marriage is abusive just disfunctional

Answer 5

Oh Dawn, I am so very sorry for all this. No one should have to live this way, and it sounds as if your husband is living in constant fear of the X. My husband has a B*&^ of an ex-wife and he has two kids. When they are in our home for visitation, they rarely talk to me, except to ask "What's for dinner. When is it going to be ready." They are 10 and 15. The first year, I told him if he didn't stop consulting his x on every freaking thing, I was going to leave him cause I didn't know I would have to share him with his x wife. That stopped. But I have four kids of my own. My two boys are 18 & 19 and still live with me. My husband doesn't want them to live there anymore, says they are too old and should be on their own. God only knows what his x has said to her kids because they are scared to death of my boys, won't talk to them, avoids them at all costs, and when we eat dinner, NO ONE talks to each other at the table. I have thought about telling to move out on several occasions, (it's my house, I bought it), but not sure I can live without him.

I would suggest you seek marriage counseling immediately. This is a bad, stressful situation for all involved. Tell him if he is not willing, then you can no longer stay in the marriage. It will be very hard, but it's what's best for you and your kids.

Best of luck.

Answer 6

Hate to say this but you signed up for this mess when you said "I DO". If the girls would like to go back with their mother and are causing your family pain why not let them go??? This seems strange that you wouldn't just let the children return. Choose your battles carefully, this is one you can't win. They will always be his children and he will always love them, but for now I would find a solution and it seems to be letting the girls return to their mother. Child support will end for one when she turns 18 in a year. As for the other one, you just need to handle it the best you can...technically it's your husbands problem as far as the child support is concerned.
Let me say this, as a child a divorce, a messy one at that, Those girls obviously resent you otherwise they wouldn't be running to their mother and telling her anything. You also must treat them as less then loved or they wouldn't act the way they do. I know as my stepmother and I went down the same path...I made her life a living hell for treating me like crap. You will get what you give, treat them as less then your own, love them less and I promise they will treat you likewise.

Answer 7

Tell your hubby to let the kids go!!! you are suffering between him and his b*tchy ex-wife and her troubled kids.... kids wanna go back to their mother anyway... why he wants to keep them! it is not helping to anybody... tell him that he's gonna lose you over his ex and kids. i know kids are very important but this is your life too. you only live it once.....

Answer 8

let the ex-wife have custody of the children again......

Answer 9

You play, you pay! ha ha ha
karma?