Should i forgive my husband who cheated?

Question

Would you forgive your husband if he cheated on you? My husband told me that he is not that type of person before we were married. It's been 3years and 5months that we hav e been married. And in this time, last year we were apart for a few months because he had issues.....I came back and he admitted to me that he cheated on me because he was lonely and that he did a stupid thing and that he only hurted himself wanting to get back at me by hurting me. He thought we our relationship was over. Arrrgh, what an idiot he is. I dont have any anger management issues and i'm not the revenge type. Obviously i am upset and hurt about it. He asked me me what he can do to reverse what he did and if i could ever forgive him. Should i forgive him ?

No, we do not have children although i would have loved to have. Life seems so screwed up. I didnt expect to be in this dilemma at all. Its certainly not what i wanted.

BEING MARRIED MEANS ALOT OF THINGS. JUST BECAUSE 2 PEOPLE ARE SEPERATED WHILE BEING MARRIED DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT TO CHEAT BECAUSE IT IS STILL A COMMITTMENT. ONCE BEING LEGALLY SEPARATED OR DIVORCED, THEN THAT IS ANOTHER SITUATION THEREFORE YOU ARE NOT LEGALLY BOUND TO YOUR SPOUSE ANYMORE.

Answer 1

Hard to say. He sounded like he could possibly mean for a honest life from there on... but then again, I don't really know you people nor him enough to speak about it.

I can tell you 2 things though:
1 - Pride can lead you away from happiness and happiness is not just about a one time sex experience;
2 - Trust can be hard to regain but might be very rewarding in the end - then again, you might just be loosing your time and end up with that trust broken again.

My 2 cents though... Have a REAL talk with him, listen to him and explain your feelings. See what "vibes" you get from that conversation.
If you do get back together don't make it to harsh on him (or he might quit) but don't take it to soft either. Find a balance that allows for both of you to be happy.

By the way... stop listening to all those woman who had to much bad luck (they don't know you people that well - keep in mind that you might be "unlucky" too, but that is all, and that only time can tell)... Sure most man look like the same but not all of us are the same... Like I said, I don't know you people that well, but you might be passing out on a great chance to be happy.

A relationship should be built by two people and without both respect and understanding that might be hard. It all depends on the personality of the persons involved though, and for that, its you who knows him better, not any of us here on this website.

Edit: Also, look down bellow for jjeano661s' post, she adds something to this. :)

~Best of luck.

Answer 2

Maybe you should forgive him... but the better question is "Can you forgive him?".

Not that cheating is right under any circumstance, but if the two of you were separated for a few months and he did not know what his future was going to be, I can understand why he might succumb to the urge. It doesn't make it right, but it does make it a little more understandable.

People on Yahoo can't answer this question for you; you are the only person that can do this. But if I was in your shoes, and I wanted the marriage to work, I would.

a. Insist that he take some sort of exam to eliminate the risk of bringing any STD's.

b. Explain to him that while you may understand his reasoning, you are still hurt by his infidelity. You will try to make an effort to repair your marriage and not throw this back in his face on every occasion, but you can't make any promises.

c. Time will eventually resolve this. If you feel that your marriage is returning to a place where both of you are happy, then that's great. If not, it may be time to move on.

Answer 3

You don't say what the 'issues' are/were that separated you but I would think this is where the real problems lie.

A lot of people will say to never forgive a cheater but I am of the opinion that people cheat for a reason, not always just a sexual reason and you need to get to that reason to understand why your partner felt the need to have sex with another person. Sometimes it might just be a one-off stupid mistake that has made them realise how much their partner means to them but more often it is because something emotional is missing in their relationship with their partner. Have you been honest with yourself and faced up to what you may not be giving to your partner that they want? I don't necessarily mean in the bedroom either often it is more of an emotional need.

Your husband has said he wanted to hurt you - what have you done to hurt him? Have you failed to support him? Perhaps rather than looking for some way for him to do penance you have o look at your relationship together and look at what has got you into this mess. What are his issues? Can you help with those or are you just making them worse at the moment? What did you do to hurt him? Why does he feel he needed to 'pay you back?'. This becomes less about blaming and seeking forgiveness and more about repairing your relationship together and learning to love each other mistakes and all.

I recommend you get hold of a book called 'Relationship Rescue' - this really helped me when my relationship was at crisis point 6 years ago.

Good luck

Answer 4

Its funny..........people will say forgive or kick him to the curb, but it is a lot more complex than that and you know it. We do not know if kids or property is involved, or how much you have invested with this person. The fact that your considering taking him back is a huge clue that your willing to forgive him and start over. Like many people on this site have said, trust is a major factor and somthing you need to take into account if your willing to forgive your husband. People cheat for a variety of reasons, but your husband wants to make it work; want you to consider the possibility that he may really be truly sorry for what he has done. He could never know how much he really hurt you, but he wants another chance. It is up to you to decide if he should get another chance, and you should really think about the outcomes of that decision. Life is no fairy tale, and its going to be tough whatever you decide.

Answer 5

It sounds like he wants to make things right. There will be a lot of people who will tell you to leave him, but I think you should give it a chance based on the information you have given.

We are all human and make mistakes...some mistakes deal with lack of communication and just plain getting it wrong. If he thought the relationship was over, in the back of his mind, he had already decided that there was no amends. Once he realized that it wasn't and needed to get to know you better then he'll go through a period of feeling really guilty and this is where you come in....

Relationships do not heal unless we can forgive. Whether it works out or not, we all deserve one chance to make it right...nobody is perfect. Through forgiveness we can let the negative go and create positive to take it's place. :) So give it a try...work through the pain because he has pain too. It may work, it may not, but at least you will have not tried for nothing. Best wishes!

Answer 6

If you were apart i dont see it as cheating. If you only been married 3 years and you have already separated once and he hasslept with someone else surely you should both be asking if this is what you really want. If it is then forgive forget and move on but both of you must not mention it again or you will never get over it.

Answer 7

Forgive him, but make it perfectly clear to him how upset you are. He did admit it after all which I would take as a sign of how much he cares. I can't stress enough the difference in attitude between blokes and girls towards sex; for blokes it really can be a throwaway thing - no more emotionally charged than having a w-a-n-k. What's important is the love, and it sounds like there's plenty to go around - so don't let something that probably has no real significance in his mind spoil a good thing.

Answer 8

If you love him the answer has to be yes. I forgave and we've now been married for ten years and have two beautiful children. The secret is to get all your anger out of your system now - rant and rave and scream and shout and let know how incredibly upset and hurt you are and then close the door on the subject. NEVER mention it again. EVER. You can get over it if you want to.

Answer 9

sounds like he is setting you up for a fall. this guy knows what he is doing and he is really playing you just to see how much he can get away with. forgive the cheating but just tell him calmly you will not forgive a future transgression or the next time will be the last time no iffs ands or buts..did you ever think how it would be with a std? there is a health issue you should be thinking of and its not just because he is so lonely..that is no transparent..he just did it because he could. period.
its your call but the first time someone steps on your foot.
shame on them
the next time the same person steps on your foot.
shame on you..because you let them.

Answer 10

Depends on how you truly feel about him love do you know all the details of the affair because i would be worried that he thought he had got something better but she dropped him and he has come crawling back to you not sure,hard to say sometimes at the end of the day the ball is in your court? If you do take him back though i would definitely make a load of changes and only on your terms as well as seeing a counsellor together wish you all the best and whatever your decision i hope your happy :)