I sabotage my life and happiness???

Question

I am depressed and I hate it. I won't allow anyone to love me. Every time I end a relationship I realize through old letters and things, that they loved me. I have issues with my mother. Throughout my life she has had no problem letting me know that she didn't want me. I have spent a lifetime trying to please her and to understand why she hates me so. Nothing seems to work. My father is an alcoholic so even if he loves me, he has trouble showing me. I've spent the last 11years helping him to get his life together and have put my own on hold. I crave so bad for someone to love me but when I get a chance, I can't see it. I don't know how to love myself although I have given that as advice to others.

Answer 1

Hey Starstuff
Look--you've got a raw deal going here and it is long overdue that someone told you so--- First off-- when it comes to parents--its like a hand in poker-- you deal with the hand you're dealt-- you don't have choices there !! Okay-- your Mom is a loser for demeaning you the way she has--and your Dad has a sickness that makes him a non-help to you --- both of these together gives you a genuine reason to have had MAJOR problems getting in gear emotionally--- BUT-- you've got to stop the cycle of letting them determine the EFFECT that you ALLOW them to have !!!

Now-- I see that you have devoted a major chunk of yourself to "helping (Dad) get his life together"---- how's that working out ?
I could tell you-- but you know-- it just goes on and on and on -- He'll NEVER have his life together, booger !! Never !! All that is happening here-- is like the "mark" at the gambling tables throwing good money after bad trying to "recoup" losses that just keep piling up more losses !!! STOP IT !! You are NOT responsible for the life that HE has created !!

Now---You said it yourself-- you SEE that you have this problem with "allowing" someone to love you--- and seeing what "role models" you've had at home to gauge your view OF long term relationships-- how could anyone expect you to want some of THAT for yourself with ANYONE ?? What you're NOT seeing here is that YOU are UNIQUE and that ---KNOWING what you've seen and DON'T WANT -- you should have a great idea of what you HAVEN'T SEEN and DO WANT--- that should make you a Great catch for someone looking to have someone in their life that will work at having a much better deal working !!! Now, realizing this---YOU are the only one that can change it--- SO CHANGE IT ALREADY !!! And, Stop catering to a lost cause--- put your parents back in charge of their own lives and YOU get ON with YOUR'S !!!!!!

Answer 2

hello, I share a similar mindset to yourself,it is very painful holding on to life in this way, very lonely and tiresome. I have tried relationships , mostly they have been abusive, that is how I have coped, pain is easy and familiar whereas joy and warmth are not the norm. My father was a drunkard and a bully and my mum very depressed,.My brother died and the family fractured. However, my friend, I have looked around me, and considered what future I desire......Bitter , alone and afraid or happy.
I chose happy. The relationship I am in now is so very different from others,if I wasn't experiencing it I would have never known the difference.
I stepped outside my comfort zone,( essential to move on from the wreckage of my early life / marriage) and have a try at a 'normal' relationship.The man I chose is like no other I have met, gentle good and kind. So , in short you can turn this around, a book called 'mind over mood' helped me realise I wasn't so clever, merely carrying past hurt around for too long and letting it shape me.
If you look around you, seek a bit of help, be kind to yourself .You will find yourself in a place where you can start to accept the good. It is your right to have that. For me it was as simple as, miserywas easy and happiness felt wrong. I am proud to say not anymore, I am , at last, getting a bit of what everyone wants.I takes time and is a slow process....give it a go .....
good luck my friend

Answer 3

You can never get someone that has told you they didn't want you to really love you.
Your father probably is just bad luck that he has a problem that you may never be able to help him if he refuses to stop drinking on his own.
Life isn't fair get a new direction in life you are a good person don't through it away on people that happen to be your biological parents.
You will find a life and love if you give your life a chance and some freedom.
Good luck.

Answer 4

Sorta kinda sounds like me. And I'm still searching for the answer. We have to unlearn stuff like the fact that we think were crap its because all our lives we were told it and tell it often enough and we will believe it how sad that your parents are as they are but you are not like them you are different you can see the difference and you are still able to make the change address the issues that bother you seek counselling start by knowing that you have value for yourself firstly dont worry about others be selfish its about making you better so that you will appreciate love when it presents itself you are worthy to be loved by the right person.

Answer 5

thanks so much negativity around this issue ,nice to hear something positive
the GB question,
start thinking about yourself ,this life is over before you know it
internal feelings are caused by infinately small curents of electricity passing between atoms ,seems silly that they cause a whole body to be depressed ,
for they same money you can feel good about things ,find a cause and become involved ,one cant look for love ,if it come it comes ,just concentrate on being wholesome ,and yourself ,when you feel strong and confident it will attract others and one of them may be what you are looking for ,dont ever forget this trip comes around once ,and it is fast ,live it to the full

Answer 6

My Friend Starshika,

I understand your pain for I too have suffered my share of pushing people who love me away. Your mother's behavior is obviously detrimental to your health. I suggest you get away from her as soon as you can! By getting away, I mean moving out.

The things you have gone thru' are shadowing a negative effect on your relations. But you are pushing them away because you don't love yourself, so how could you possiby let others.

Answer 7

I could be you in a few years, so I know how it is to not love yourself. You just have to live in the present. Forget the past, and don't worry about the future. No matter how crappy your live may have been, and no matter how bad it looks like it will be, living in the present is best.

Answer 8

I do the same thing.
For one thing - listen to how you talk to yourself. You wouldnt talk to someone you just met that way. Learn to treat yourself with that same level of respect and compassion.
Thats all the advice I can give - thats my phase of developement.

Answer 9

Sounds to me you're suffering from a depression.... Get some professional help, I don't think anyone can or should handle this on their own. It's hell....

Answer 10

Therapy is a great start