Marriage falling for 2 years. What to do now?

Question

Here is a strange sum up of my marriage. When we wed I had to pick who's last name would change. Hers or my son's. My son was born before we wed and took her maiden name.

My wife is Bi-polar, borderline personality disorder and has fibromalgia.

I did everything I could to keep her happy including a brief interlude of a threesome with one of our friends. Who she later went and had an affair with and lied to me about it.

She has an attempted suicide attempt along with very bad housekeeping habits. I'll come home from working 14 hours and my kids are not bathed and dressed. Having free run of the house the whole day.

I care for her but can honestly say I don't love her anymore. Been thinking of divorce and started to build a case for custody. I just would like more feelings from others. Its a hard road to pick to travel but since she cheated on me I have been falling into a state of false happiness and now can say I have not been happy for over 2 years now.

Answer 1

You have a hard road ahead, but it sounds similar to mine. Without getting into specifics, as I read, I felt like I was reading parts of my diary.

How old are your children? Do you have a strong case for claiming to be their primary care giver? What are the custody laws in your state?

When my marrfiage failed my daughter was 2 1/2. One of the reasons I filed was because I couldn't bear the thought of my daughter growing up thinking that what she was seeing was OK and that how Mommy was treating Daddy is how a woman shoudl treat a man.

It was a huge fight. That was 5 years ago and she's still fighting me. She loses almost every time, but it is still hard. In retrospect, though, I'm glad I filed and left. I was slowly being erased by her, and my life now is so much more than I ever thought it could be. My relationship with my daugher is strong and loving, and I have a new wife and a son on the way. With my new wife, even the hardest times are better than the best times in my past marriage because we have one thing that my ex wife and I didn't share: Happiness.

My friend, you have hard times ahead, but I believe that if you don't survive, nothing else matters, so do what you have to do, if you must fight, then fight the good fight. Take the time to feel the pain and heal yourself, whether through counseling or prayer or both. Never give up on your strengths as a father...those children will look to you as their first model of what a man is.

When your time comes, join the ranks of the husbands again. You sound like a genuine and comapssionate person, so we would be stronger for having you with us. Until that time, you have all of my prayers and hopes for you, your children, and your wife.

Answer 2

You will be just fine and once your divorce is over and you have the opportunity to be with an actual loving caring human being (and there are many of those out there, you might have to go thru a few bad ones first) it will be the best feeling you have ever had because from the sounds of it this lady has done nothing but slowly ruin you and your kids life. Furthermore if you truly love your kids you would make sure you got them away from someone who so blatantly shows that she really doesn't care about you or them. And the cheating lets not even go there with you should have ended it there. Your kids that is the top priority.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry- you sound like a really nice guy and to forgive her after she has cheated on you make you a saint. Yes, you need to move on for the sake of the children but before you do, you state she has mental problems and must be on meds-- go with her to her counserlor/psychiatrist-- they will allow family counseling-- tell them about her habits- and the children--you will be documenting her negative qualities with professionals and this will help you with your custody case, it will also give you insight that, I'm afraid to tell you, that she is not going to get any better but probably much worse. The fact that she has no control over her children scares me and this has to be told to the counselors. You may also want to somehow get out of work during lunch time or have a family member on your side stop in for a quick visit to document just how bad things are when you're not around---things may not look so great when you come home-but she is EXPECTING you, they could be a lot worse during the day and you need someone to document what is going on- so pick an impartial person but a friend of yours or family member-- someone who can testify in a custody hearing---but honestly, if she is as bad as it sounds, she probably doesn't want the kids and you will have no problem getting custody.

Good luck to you...I'm sorry for you and your children....I hope things work out for you.......

Answer 4

Are you ready to be responsible for your sexual habits and the mistakes that you made ??!? You willingly participated in the threesome with your "best buddy" (some buddy) and now you're blaming her ??!!?? You are supposed to set the example as the husband and be an advocate for her in overcoming her borderline pers. disorder (possibly related to sexual abuse) and getting over the sexual attractions, and to manage the bipolar.

She's been diagnosed bipolar. Have you talked with her psychiatrist directly (gone with her to an appointment) ? If she's bipolar, it's a chemical imbalance, like kidney disease or heart disease, not necessarily deliberate behavior actions against you.

She needs to take her meds consistently , taking care of the house and taking care of the kids will follow. She can't focus or concentrate with thoughts jumping from one thing to the next. Get her a small calendar on the wall of the bathroom and make sure she checks it off each day, with marks if there's more than one medication. She needs to take ownership of this.

Also, bipolar will cause sexually acting out, it's one of the symptoms . Is she seeing a psychotherapist/counselor for that. The suicide attempt, duh, was a mood swing to depression.

Again, I think that the situation may rectify itself if she gets on the meds and takes them like she should, and gets proper counseling. You didn't mention THAT at all. Help her with accountability and also see her psychiatrist from time to time when she goes to see him/her. She should get into a support group and there's plenty of them out there for people with bipolar.

Recommend a support group for you as well, call your county mental health association. Also, think seriously about going to a church in your area, both of you will have to deal with the guilt and being able to forgive (her for herself, you for her and yourself).

The above are some steps I would take prior to divorce.

PS. What's with the resentment of the name change ?? That's a really trivial point here. Do you regret that she didn't take your name ? It apparently was your decision.

Answer 5

Think about what made you fall in love with your husband in the first place and go from there. Reminiscing about the old days sometimes bring back those feelings that are lost. Leave the kids with a babysitter and go out for the night, have dinner, go to a movie that you both would love to see, then have a rendezvous at a hotel, if all else fails, seek counseling.

Answer 6

Have you warned her that she needs to straighten up????
An ultimatime is in order!!!!!
Sounds like she doesn't feel very loved...and is VERY Depressed....according to all the things you just said
...And 14 hours is way too many hours to be working...

Mental illness is really debilitating. People who don't have it ...will never understand the hell that you feel. In fact I call it just that, "My window to hell." It amazes me how many responses here -just say LEAVE! Here is the deal: there are thousands of people who are just like her...but with help can live a so called "normal life." Even some surgeons doctors lawyers,,,have the disorders you have listed!!! (We are everywhere) If you worry about the kids then take her...get a real doctor's opinion. There is even a gentic/philisophical chance your child will also have a mental illness...are you going to give up on them too? Without helping them get help?

You should make sure you and her have time alone without kids every week.
Im a firm believer in doing EVERYTHING before you give up...
A majorly depressed person(BIPOLAR) who stays home with over 1 kid allllll day alone really only reinforces depression. She needs to get a job....that way you don't have to work so much and she gets out!!!!

Just because you did all the things you say Im not convinced you made her FEEL loved (because i feel it would be hard to do if you work 14 hours)
Mental illness is just that -an illness...would you leave you spouse because they became paralized? and couldn't take care of the kids?
Take the time to take her to a psychologist...then wait a month to six weeks for her medication and therapy to work...if she is still the same then you need to see her doctor and tell him/her straight up that you can't take it anymore and follow thier instructions. Otherwise the situation is likely to cause her to commit sucide...!!!
When you have done all this---then you will have done EVERYTHING in your power to help the situation and you have EVERY RIGHT to Leave! I wish I knew you both to really get a good view of things...Instant message me...

Answer 7

Honey, why did you marry her in the FIRST place?

Did you think you could rescue her, save her from herself. Can you say you were honestly in love? Were you afraid of being a single father?

If you've not been happy for two years, how do you think your kids feel? Two years may be a good length of time to you, but to a child--esp. a child not well taken care of, who is distressed and confused by his surroundings/environment, and lack of stability, two years is a lifetime to suffer.

So, again I ask: Why did you do this? What did you reallly think you were getting in such a marriage/bargain?

You need to fix this, and fast, for your own mental health and that of the kids'. I think that Mac's advice above is very good.

Hire a nanny, hire a housekeeper, hire a babysitter--and you may not even need 14 hours worth of work to pay for their services, esp. if the kids are school-age.

You picked her, and then brought the kids along for the very rocky ride. It's now up to you to "un-pick" this and to fix it.

Acknowledge to yourself, to her, AND to the kids that your judgement was poor at times and at other times completely lacking. (Everybody already knows about HER judgement--and she's got multiple chronic mental illnesses and a chronic physical illnes to hinder her/fall back on. What's YOUR excuse?)

Get busy, you got work to do--no joke or pun intended.

Answer 8

If you have given it all that you have left to give to this marriage and you have no fight left for it, then its probably time to leave. I'm usually for trying to make a marriage work despite everything, but if she cheated on you then she kinda broke the deal. And it's not like you didn't try to stick around and make it work. Now you just have to evaluate what will be best for everyone especially the children.

Answer 9

Your'e not gonna make it another year with her are you? Do something now before she totally ruins you and your kids. She is mentally incapacitated, she can't be a mother and a wife. Good luck to you!

Answer 10

You've given it your best shot. Being familar with bipolarity and personality disorders (REALLY familiar with it) I know what you're going through. You've tried and when you feel like you've done all you can do, there's no reason you can't move on. Just don't let it turn you into a bitter gigabytch like it did to me. You won't win against someone like her. Don't deplete yourself trying.