need advice i just married 6mths ago and it feels like the marriage is not what it should be at this point can

Question

2 people like me and my wife make it work i was raised by outsiders not family been out on my own since the age of 7 had to do just about whatever it takes to survive.My wife tells me shes an adoptive child that her mom was very cruel and har dad was a military man but he past way many years ago. my wife is 41 and im 30. she has 3 teenagers 21yr female,18yrmale,16yrmale they treat her like shes their maid she gives gives and in return she gets no respect cussings guilt trips etc. i my self have 2boys age 8&9 and a girl2 currently fighting custody of them things look good there.but the enviroment that my wife allows to go on in our own home is very dissapointing to me cause they do as they please theres improvement but lots of arguments cause of her side i have went as far as not bringing my own kids over when its my visitation times i know its wrong but how do i get others to see what im talking about.rules in the home dont even matter. help with advice thankyou.

Answer 1

So what's really happening her is that you love her and want to be with her but after you moved in with her and are having to share a family together...things are not easy. Well, I hate to tell you this but they are never going to be easy and the best thing that you can do is talk to her about how you feel and that you really feel like they are treating her inappropriately/taking advantadge of her. If you aren't careful...the compromise will tear you guys apart and that's not good for anyone. Good Luck.

Answer 2

When you get married and have children, they're part of the package. If your wifes children (your step-children) are doing something you do not like, are not acting the way you think they should, then It's your responsibility to straighten the matter up. That goes not only for correcting the child, but also making sure that your wife knows this is not acceptable behavior. You should let her know that you will not allow it, and you expect her to not allow it also.

You should not miss your visitations with your children because your home environment is out of control. Don't let the other side of the family think that they rule. The bottom line is this: it is good to be fair, understanding, and not run your house like a dictatorship. However, when it is out of control it is your responsibility to put everything back in order, and those causing the problem in their place. I'm telling you man, take control of your castle and let your wife know that she is expected to enforce the rules also.

Answer 3

I hate to bring this to your attention, but it is hard to provide a relevant answer when I have difficulty understanding the language.

Here's the situation as I see it. You're fighting for custody of your children, but you're upset at the situation that your new wife has created with the children she has brought from a previous marriage.

Here's the dilemma: they're not your kids. There's nothing that YOU can do without her expressed permission.

Solution: Sit down with your wife. Tell her of your concerns, and explain that it particularly relevant because you are in the process of gaining custody of your own children. Explain that the behaviour of her sons is not acceptable or normal.

Your wife needs to establish firm ground rules for her children. They are all old enough to understand that the world does not function for their benefit. If establishing you as another authority figure in the household is a step you feel will be helpful, then do it. Remember that you should not try to intervene on your wife's behalf with her children.

For the 21 year old and the 18 year old, it sounds like it is time to move out of the home and into the world. The 16 year old is still a minor, and therefore must respect your rules that you have set for the household. Start holding him responsible for cleaning up after himself and establish consequences for failing to do so. Make sure you follow up with the punishment when he fails to do what is asked.

Children--and sometimes adults--need structure in their daily schedule. They are in a position in their lives in which they should be establishing their own independence, and it is only natural that they should rebel against their mother's authority. Determining rules of expectation and consequence is the best way to correct the situation.

Answer 4

Well, it can work, but there is lots of work to do first.

She's going to have to put her foot down, and stop her kids from disrespecting her. She allows it because of the way she was raised. She feels (whether she realizes it or not) that by allowing her children to do as they please, she's giving to them 100%, giving them something she didn't get. (A mother)

On second thought, with you wondering if this marriage has a chance, means that your not sure. So..maybe you need to stand up for her, put a stop to those disrespectful kids. Defend her! Don't tolerate it, it is your home also. Tell her, your not going to put up with it, that you are not going to stand there and allow them to treat her the way they have, if she gets angry about it...she'll eventually get over it when she sees a difference in her kids behavior.

If she choses the kids over you, and her self-respect and happiness, then you know the answer. But the problem lies in how she was raised, and all that she went through.

P.S. NO, I do not agree with any age child disrespecting their parents, whether they live in the house or not. Freedoms are earned no matter the age. 21, and 18, and even 16 if they live under your roof, are to live by your/her rules. If they don't like it, then they can move out. Thats why its your/her house, and not theirs!! They want freedoms, then move out!

Answer 5

Why are your wife's 21 & 18 year old kids still living at home? They need to move out. That's half your problem right there. Your wife has already established her relationship and the patterns with her kids. They treat her like crap because she allows it. There's not much you can do except express to her that it needs to change. Not only are her kids grown, they have no respect for her and that's wrong. Tell her what you'd like to change or end the marriage. It sounds like there's way too many kids at home to begin with and your wife needs to kick those two out. They're both of legal age and they need to stand on their own two feet. If she can't do this for the sake of her own marriage, you need to tell her you're willing to end the marriage. Things will only continue to get worse and in time, the 21 & 18 yo will start spawning and then you'll have bratty grandkids to contend with as well. Put your foot down and tell your wife or tell the grown ups yourself. Your wife's kids aren't kids anymore. You both need to realize that. They're NOT teenagers. Kick them out!

Answer 6

well, your wife sounds much like my mother. I was so mean to her. I cursed at her, anything you name it! But then I had children. I realized how much my mother went through I have so much respect for now. Any way sounds as though your children are damned if they do and damned if they dont. If they continue to stay with there mother ( if things are as you say) then they will end up just as disrespectful and maybe worse than your current wifes children, considering there are no bounderies. Also if they stay with you they are going to see the bad influences of the currant wifes children. Was divorce the only way? As far as your children go, I would divorce the currant wife if she refuses to correct her childrens behavior, and stay single for awhile. Or see if you can patch it up with the ex. I am not the type to immediatly decide upon divorce as a solution, but In the case of your children I see no other way, if she will not inforce rules or bounderies for her children.

Answer 7

Communcation is always the best policy. If it is hard for you to communicate try counseling. Also, let her set rules for her children and you set rules for your children. As long as you guys communicate your wants and needs the rules setting shouldn’t be difficult. Just make sure it comes from the parent and not the step parent. And make sure you a willing to do anything for her. She will aprecciate it.

Answer 8

sounds like your wife needs counseling on parenting and maybe the two of you need marriage counseling. She has given her children to much control and I doubt she'll regain it without professional help. It's not fair to you or your children that your not seeing them because of her grown daughters and almost grown son, but I don't blame you, small children should not be in that kind of environment, their too impressionable.

Answer 9

She won't change, as she's one of those moms that lets her kids walk all over her. If you don't want your kids to see this, and learn how to treat women that way, don't let them see it. For the sake of your kids, you may have to let her go. I can't believe you married her and knew about this beforehand.

Answer 10

21 year olds and 18 year olds should be able to do as they please. They are adults. The 16 year old is also nearing adulthood and should have plenty of freedom. Of course, they should treat their mother with respect, but at those ages, if they haven't learned it by then, the best you can do is make the adult children pay rent haha.