Does it do more harm than good for kids being bouced between 2 homes with 2 hateful parents? Neither of parents have lives,cannot move etc. What to do? Why would courts push for it?
2007-02-28 13:25:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This question strikes home.
I have two different answers:
1. My oldest son, now age 13, was the product of shared custody until he was ten with a jerk of a father and step-mother who made no effort to keep things civil in front of him. It tore him up and made it very hard for him to transition between houses. It also made him very angry. It took 2 full years of counselling to get over the hurt his father caused him.
2. My youngest son, now age 5, is the product of a healthy shared custody agreement. His father and I put him first above any petty grievances we may have with each other and we leave him the hell out of that hurtful treacherous loop.
He's flourished. He's as happy as he was before we split.
I think the trick is to realize that the kids are supposed to come before everything else. That they need both parents to be in their lives and to not be fighting while they are there.
It's pretty easy to leave the kids out of the bad stuff if you try.
Stick all communications in emails to eachother, so that it's both documented and also blessedly silent.
Arrange public hand-offs if one parent consistently does not have the kid ready to go when you get to the house... it'll also curb-tail the need to dig on each other in front of the kids because you'll also be in public....
it can work out fine. but you have to work at it.
--Lee Ann
p.s. the relationship can bloom when the kids are at your ex's. :)
2007-02-28 13:40:52 · answer #1 · answered by Lee Ann 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your opinion of your ex isn't what's important here - you are both parents of your son and he deserves to have both parents even if you're no longer together. Why not try to approach this less as an "ex" and more as "parenting partners" who share a mutual interest in the welfare of your son. You don't need to be friends for this - don't even have to like each other, but you have a responsibility to your son to both deliver on your responsibilities as parents. This has nothing to do with you or your feelings - it has everything to do with giving your son what he needs. Please don't suck him into your hateful behavior or it will eventually drive a wedge between you.
2007-02-28 13:38:58 · answer #2 · answered by Stef 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's what's best for the child. Just because we as adults can't put our personal feelings aside doesn't mean that they have to suffer. I have to share custody even if the father doesn't do much to help support them. Kids don't need to know the personal issues. They need to know we love them even if mom and dad are not together. Courts only grant sole custody these days if one parent is harmful to the child. Just try to put it in prospective. I know it's hard but your kid will be better off.
2007-02-28 14:01:35 · answer #3 · answered by pinksmycolor 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok...
Here we go...
HATE does not EVEN begin to cut it...
Even the court workers left meetings with us screaming...
Here is the REALLY important part, though...
YOU are the adults.
YOU are the ones that made these choices.
These kids didnt.
They DESERVE both parents.
THAT is why the courts award shared custody.
Here is the trick....
YOU have to decide to LOVE your children MORE than you hate each other.
Period.
End of story.
I know.
Its hard.
To say he and I HATE each other is an understatement.
He ABUSED me and my children....
However... he is still their father... so he is still in their lives...
I know... being the bigger person SUCKS. It is unfair. But it is what you have to do... for your kids.
Here are some sites that may help you...
AND the other parent.
ALSO, I REALLY recommend some individual counseling ofr each of you and for your child. AND group counseling with ALL of you WITH THE SAME COUNSELOR.
Believe it or not... that will eventually help.
Also, in lieu of phone calls or face to face conversations... EMAIL. It makes things MUCH more pleasant for EVERYONE.
Good luck. I feel your pain.... I do....
2007-02-28 13:53:26 · answer #4 · answered by Jennifer Anne 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Grow up! so you and your ex cant get along, get over it and make an effort to put aside your differences, your son deserves to have contact with both his parents who hopefully show him love and respect and leave their hateful feelings for each other out of it. being a parent is about sacrifice, i dont understand why you say neither of you have lives, guess it has something to do with the fact that you both too selfish and caught up in scoring points against each other than to start getting on with your life, i feel so sorry for your son
2007-02-28 13:35:18 · answer #5 · answered by sydneygal 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
even though you two don't get along and hate each other, you have to put a front on in front of your child. He needs you both. and he needs to know that you both love him, you need to push the anger aside when you are around your son. because you will only be hurting him, and don't ever use your child as a pawn. he does not deserve that. explain to him that you two can no longer live together, but that does not mean you love him any less. good luck.
2007-02-28 13:32:59 · answer #6 · answered by misty blue 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have experience with this! My mother is involved in her fourth divorce. Her third divorce was from my younger siblings father. She hates all of her ex's and has never minced words. They have done the same. I never knew my father because of her hatred for him. Currently my siblings have chosen which parent they want to know. My sister lives with my mother and has no contact with her father my little brother lives with the dad and has no contact with my mother. When you chose your hatred over your childs love for both parents they will eventaully make a choice! But in the process they will lose trust in you. They will lose faith in you and if they stand up to you and defend the other parent and you reject them you might just lose them forever. If you and your ex are no longer a couple then it isnt about YOU! It is about your child and if you bad mouth the other parent it only looks bad on you. Your child wants to be happy and you are jeopordizing that happiness.
2007-02-28 13:49:51 · answer #7 · answered by Ktwman 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course it will impact on the kids when they see their parents fighting. God, they love both of you and your behaviour will confuse them and tear them apart. For one last time speak to you ex and say that for the sake of the kids you will not show dislike and will only speak good things about them with the kids. Request your ex to do the same for the sake of the children. This of them and forget about yourselves, don't make them suffer for your mistakes
2007-02-28 13:32:14 · answer #8 · answered by smilingtalker_au 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
stop worrying about your ex and start worrying about your kid
2007-02-28 14:08:14 · answer #9 · answered by zether 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋