Why does my husband say he loves me but then is mean to me?

Question

I just don't get it ... he buys me expensive jewelry for Christmas and Valentines and my Bday. He tells me he loves me every day and every time we make love. But then he says so many mean and harsh things to me as you see in my previous questions. This is very contradictory to me. I would trade all the jewelry he gave me for a kind word from him. What is this problem?

I always tell him that it hurts, I make sure I drill down to every detail and cover all areas, but then he says I am talking too much.

after I tell him and we say sorry to each other, a few days later he forgets and starts again with his "words"

Answer 1

He sounds rather abusive.
Abuse is much more than hitting... it is also name calling.

Answer 2

People that say hurtful things normally have a self esteem issue. You need to make sure that he knows that all the jewelry in the world will not keep you around if he doesnt start treating you as if he loves you.

Answer 3

You are being abused than he sugar coats it with expensive gifts because he knows he an *** and you might leave him if he doesn't give you some trade offs. Like the I love you and gifts.

All the jewelry in the world can't make up for that behavior.

Answer 4

Some men have trouble expressing affection other than to buy gifts. My dad was that way for 55 years of marriage to my mom. She was belittled verbally many times over the years and it drove myself and my siblings crazy listening to it. After dad died, I asked her why she put up with it over the years and she surprised me by her answer. she said she knew in her heart that he didn't mean those stupid things he said. She said in the begining she used to get mad and wouldn't talk to him a day or so after he would do it, then he would say he couldn't understand what she was mad about. He would forget what he said to her within five minutes of saying it! Ultimately, she told all of us that even though he shot his mouth off, she knew he would never let her do without, he was a good provider, he would tell her he loved her, and most of all - his good points far outweighed his bad ones. She said she couldn't have found a man that she loved so much as him, but would never marry again. Some men are better with actions than they are with words. I didn't agree with their way of marriage, but I can't say it was a failure when it lasted 55 years! Good Luck.

Answer 5

You have to learn the different signs of abuse, their is emotional, physical and mental abuse. Until you understand that for yourself nothing else will help you. Look up domestic violence or call your nearest shelter so you can get the help you need. I know you might be thinking that is not it...he doesn't do this but he does that. He may not do this but he does that. Everything happens for a reason and some of the folks have to learn the hard way before they understand things for themselves. Check it out before it is too late...

By the way...an abusive relationship is a very unstable relationship....you can be up one minute and down to the ground the next...so get prepared for everything and build yourself up so you can be prepared...

Answer 6

From personal experience with my relationship with my wife, I will offer the following. Read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and get your husband to talk about it and even try to get him to read it. When I did, it opened my eyes to all the hurt I had caused my wife over the years, I now understand that I've been mean to my wife. I am totally commited to making her life better which will make life better. The old saying, "When mama ain't happy, nobody's happy" really rings true in my case. I wish you the best in encouraging your husband to treat you better. He probably does loves you but is either denying the hurt he is causing you or he doesn't realize how much hurt he is causing you. Talk to him and tell him. Best Wishes.

Answer 7

There may be a personality problem...like split personality or something. We guys are not to emotionally sensitive anyway and (no offense) girls do require a lot of emotional attention that it's hard for us to even understand, much less give you. Women also need to understand the true nature of a male as much as you want us to understand your's. We are wired differently...that's just a fact of life. That's why girls like to wear make up and go shopping and guys don't. Guys like rough sports like football and boxing and getting wasted on beer and stuff.

Answer 8

Is he aware of what "I am sorry" means. Actions speak louder then words. This guy needs a serious sit down. If he speaks mean to you this is a respect issue. The more you take the worse it will get try for some counseling

Answer 9

He dont know how to love. he needs to quit buying you jewelry and buy a book it is called "The 5 Love Languages" it will help him if he cares enough to read it. Anybody can say it but when your head is hurting and you dont want sex his next move should be toward the lotion to rub your neck and shoulders to help ease the pain and stress.

Answer 10

Something in his past has caused this behavior to be acceptable to him. If it becomes a major issue, which it seems to be considering you've put this question on Yahoo!, then he needs to go to counseling or start journaling to discover what caused this behavior.

Don't feel too bad, I bet he probably does this to other people as well.

Answer 11

He has an anger problem,He buys you nice thing.That make you smile ,Then hurts you next,You need 2 have him seek help.as this will only get worse.
If he is only like this with you that's a .It's a control issue mind games that will soon make you feel weak about yourself image so everything you do you question yourself . Always trying to please him but can't .Your call not good Just my thought.Be Safe???