How do I let someone love me?

Question

I have recently became aware that I am unable to stay stable enough for someone to love me and trust me. From 4-12 I was molested, at 14 I was forcefully raped by a stranger, in addition to being raised by a psycho abusive alcoholic father and a mother who knew I was being abused and didn't stop it, but admitted when I asked her 26 years later. Know I realize I can not handle love for real. I have this man who loves me, but I keep having these wild outburst after we've had a great time together. I've been through therapy, anti-anxiety drugs, self help books and groups, blaa, blaa, blaa. I keep destroying what I want by stupid behaviors based on insecurities and fear. I've went in and out of horrible relationships...can ANYONE relate? I want it to stop!

Answer 1

It is so awesome that you have done so much work and have the awareness. that is almost always the hardest part! keep going with the consciousness-raising and awareness reading and/or support groups. remember, sometimes helping others helps you too. Even your scars can be a valuable part of your lovable self.

and having someone who loves you and wants to help is another good step.

you can have love and healing. and you will.

the next step is getting better and better channels for feedback - both from him and from yourself - so that you can cut down and eventually eliminate that which you don't want. You must talk and experiment with him and find a way to make it OK.

One idea: you could try a 'safe word' . ie when he thinks you're "doing that thing" he says "---", and that means you two separate for __ hrs without taking any acitions, or stop and talk, or whatever works for you. but give it a set meaning so you don't argue about it on the spot.
you could also use it when you are feeling freaked out and vulnerable, so that the damage gets limited and you won't say things you'll regret later.
as you keep doing this, you'll both get better at it. eventually you won't need as long to recover, might not even need the word anymore.

keep looking till you find all the pieces you need to for your solution. make sure you and your love can bounce ideas off each other safely and openly. If he can be trusted, then do so. Let him know whats happening with you, so he can help - or at least know when to get out of the way.

don't forget to make sure that your valid concerns can be distinguishd from the static, so that they can be met. you deserve that.

Answer 2

I can't relate, but I like to think I can solve problems! Let's see. You're "problem" is that you have a hard time letting someone get close to you becuase of past experieces. You're what, 30 now( *wink* )? You can take care of yourself, so you don't have to worry about being raped or molested again. I'm truely sorry that happened to you, but that's in your past. this guy truely loves you. Let him. Get past the insecurities and let him close to you. Believe in yourself AND in him. It'll be a slow process, but you can make it work. Good luck.

-Twitch

Answer 3

Yeah, I do understand. But for me, all it took was a conscious decision not to repeat the mistakes I made before, and it's working (somewhat) fine.

I'm going to ask you to remember something, though. Not all love is painful or shameful. It takes strength to open yourself up to it, but once you do, you'll realize that there was nothing to worry about. So instead of going in with your eyes closed, waiting for something awful to happen, open your eyes and dive in willingly. You'll thank yourself later for it. Trust me on this one.

Answer 4

not an easy answer.. it took all those years for you to get where you are emotionally,, it will take you many many years and people with patience to help you heal.. I don't have your personal experience's , however i am heart broken to here your misery.. I wish you peace ..But to answer the best I can..let him in..very slowly.. explain very vaguely..it might work in the long run..good luck and i send blessings