I have been married for almost 19 years. My husband is a very good man and he has always provided for our family and he has never been abusive in any way. The problem is that he doesn't share his feelings with me, yea he will tell me all the time that he loves me but that is all there is to it. When we have sex 95% of the time it is for him only. What I mean by that is he doesn't put forth to touch anything besides my breast and then he's ready and in less than 3 minutes it is over with. He says that it just feels to good. I have talked and talked to him about not being satisfied but he just doesn't get the picture. I have toys and I use them at times but I perfer the real man. He has used the toys on me but that might happen about once in 4 months or so. I don't feel like after 19 years I should have to keep saying hey bud don't forget about me. Should I just leave or should I just have a discreet affair since everything else is so great.
2007-02-28 12:32:20 · 13 answers · asked by Linda I 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Personally I feel that sex is an extremely important part of a relationship. Is everything else really that great, or is it just average? Just because someone isn't abusive and is a good provider does not mean that they are a good husband. You need to have passion in your relationship and I'm not talking just in a sexual way. Before I would do anything else, I would seek the help of a professional counselor. Good ones are hard to find, but I think that after 19 years you should try every last effort before throwing in the towel. If he will not agree to counseling then tell him that that is really his only option or you are going to have to move on. Relationships are about sacrifice, but this is one area where you need to meet in the middle. It is not OK that he is always getting his and you don't get yours. His showing disregard to your feelings on this speaks volumes. I would never have an affair. You are better off divorcing him. If you divorce him then you can end things amicably and on an honest level. If you have an affair, you risk getting caught and causing serious irreparable damage.
2007-02-28 12:40:20 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think you need to ask yourself if there has been any dramtic changes or circumstances that have happened to him or you in the last 19 years. Or even more recently.
Has there been a change in employment? Have you moved somewhere new? Has either of you been any type of trama (bodily, mentaly, emotionaly)? What triggered the change? Was it gradual or sudden?
Guys naturally have a hard time showing their true feelings. Some find it harder than others. It might not be just him either. You could be going through pre-menopausal stages in which you feel like you need at extra attention. There maybe some insercurity on both sides as well. Depression, anxiety, stress, as well as other physical illnesses can all lead to behavior/attitude changes.
My suggestion is that the two of you try to find some middle ground. Trying going out on dates (just the two of you). Add some spark back into things. Be point blank with him. Guys have a hard time reading minds. Just be upfront and honest, and to the point.
And whatever you do, DON'T CHEAT!!!! That is the worst possible choice you could make. Unless you thrive on the drama that surrounds that sort of thing. Think of your kids, about all the good things going on in your relationship, and not so much about all the negative things.
I hope things work out and don't lose focus on what you want. You have almost 20 years with the same guy. Why not make it 50?
2007-02-28 20:59:43 · answer #2 · answered by Lonewolf 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well I can say for sure DON'T HAVE AN AFFAIR! Or else the good parts of your marriage will be over too. I would say that you need to have a talk with him one more time, and when it comes to foreplay, help him out. Guide his hands where you want to be touched, tell him where to lick, caress, and kiss eventually he will learn. Don't let him penetrate you until you are ready. Tease him a bit too and then tell him to do the same for you. It's not very romantic at first I know, but maybe his problem is he doesn't know what else to do except grab you in the obvious places. I know I had to train my husband too. It took me a little bit of time and some frustrating moments too, but it is so worth he effort.
2007-02-28 20:53:51 · answer #3 · answered by ? 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't do either! Why leave a man that been that good to you?
Next time he starts something, stop him, and tell him right then he needs to take care of you here in bed too. Tell him he's so good to you every other way, and you love him dearly for it. But now he needs to be good to you here in bed too. Then show him. Guide his hands and "other parts" and show him how, and where, you want to be touched. Don't let him go too fast inside or out.Tell him you have needs too, and he's the one that needs to satisfy them. Make sure you have plenty of time to experiment, and relearn your dual sexuality. Then use all of it. Don't think just one time will change everything forever. You'll likely have to do this a number of times until he gets the idea.
2007-02-28 23:03:39 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is showing you feeling by telling you he loves you. All men are not perfect, he must get turned on so quickly to just hop right in why don't you lead sometimes, put him on the bed get on top, place his hands where you want them and his mouth for that matter, don't expect him to do all the caressing you will send him a little more mad but be a little daring and tease him until he can't stand it and your getting what you want, I think it would be low to cheat or leave him over sex its not everything otherwise he sounds loving going by what your saying- and to still want to be inside you so quickly after 19 years is saying something- don't be too harsh.
2007-02-28 20:55:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
i'm married too... and the sex stinks
my husband is a good man.
i refuse to allow my selfishness to hurt him.
is SEX really so important that you'll risk wrecking your whole life? all for the want of an orgasm? what are you thinking?
he loves you, honors you, takes care of you, and gives you his world. but none of that matters because he's done first?
have you thought of counseling? yes, there are counselors for marital problems like ours.
have you yet thought that "great sex" is not an entitlement? some of us will just have to live without the toe curling whatever...
is this some midlife crisis thing?
what would you tell your own daughter? your mother?
please think on this much more thoroughly before you act
2007-02-28 21:11:39 · answer #6 · answered by ladrhiana 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
dont leave 19 years is allot of time and energy to through away. Next time he wants you tell him you get to be on top and that the only way you will do him is on your terms. If you get crazy kinky with him he will slow it down. If he is getting to sensitive then buy a prolong ring. He may have premature ejaculation and dont want to admit it that would make him feel less of a man.
2007-02-28 21:15:23 · answer #7 · answered by Jake K 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Neither one. Dont leave and dont have an affair.
It appears he just isnt getting the hint. Perhaps a cut-off session is in order. Next time he is frisky, tell him u have already pleasured yourself and that u dont feel the need to have sex with him. If he says "well, what about me?".....tell him.....i have been saying that for years dear. :)
2007-02-28 20:38:19 · answer #8 · answered by Truth Teller 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
he is a good man.. Try this.. You make the first move, so that way you can control what goes down.. He probably is just tired of leading... You try it tonight... put the kids away and just start talking dirty to him... tell him what you want to do to him... Don't be his wife tonight, be his freak... act like you guys are creeping on your spouses with each other.. you have to learn how to bring the fun and excitement back into the bed room
2007-02-28 20:47:53 · answer #9 · answered by Shonda 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
after 19 years, you are in a rut.....going thru midlife crisis etc......if he is a good man..hang on to him.....there are NOT too many out there now. do not have an affair...you will regret it for the rest of your life.......
some men just are not talkers etc......if you stuck it out this long , chances are neither of you will CHANGE......so either accept it as it is....make him try to understand there is a PROBLEM.........or move on with honesty.
the grass is NOT always greener on that other side......trust me.
2007-02-28 20:41:28 · answer #10 · answered by STARZ 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋