why am i afraid of relationships??

Question

see theres this guy i like an his asked me out a couple of time but i kept blowing him off because im afraid of relationships..and i cant open up to any of the guys ive ever been w/ and when i do i end up messing things up. but i really want to try it wit this guy...can it be because of my relationship with my parents i mean i dont want to blame them but they always say that things that happen in our past affect our futures..and since my REAL dad abanded me can that me it..while if u need to know more you can either IM me or MESSAGE me its all on my pro thanks

Answer 1

I hope some of what I wrote may be helpful for you. In the end, you'll know what makes sense for you. Listen to your Heart.

If you like this guy, but you can't open up with any of the guys you've been with before (or "mess things up" if you do)..... then you can always try taking things Slower, and opening up more slowly. Oftentimes, Slow & Easy is better for the long-term, rather than Fast & Furious, which is more exciting in the short-term, but often explodes into flames fairly quickly. So I think, yes, Give it a try - but you don't have to dive in to the deep end of the pool... try wading in at the shallow end first, and then move your away towards the deep end.

Do you have any good guy friends who you're just purely friends with, with no romantic feelings on either side? Guys who you can really talk with and be listened by? Guys who you can trust, feel safe around, and be honest and open with - with all the good & "bad things? If you do, then perhaps those are the kinds of guys & relationships you can open your self up in.

If you don't, then you know that with this Guy you Like, it might be better for you to have that kind of Friendship inside that romantic Relationship. (You also might want to consider having more of these kinds of Friendships in the future.) The Two can go together: you can have a great Friendship with a great Relationship = Two-In-One. That's why if you look at truly Happy long-term marriages, both partners always say that the other person is also their Best Friend. But oftentimes, many people separate Friendship & Romantic Love - but it doesn't have to be that way.

If you don't have such a Friendship in your Life with any guy, then maybe you can start building one with this one. If he truly likes you, and you truly like him, that's a good beginning. You'll have to Tell him, though. Tell him that you like him and you want to get to know him better, but that you want to be friends first. Tell him that it doesn't mean you don't want more! You Do like him, but that you want to take things Slow & Easy.

He might not understand, and he might take it as a 1/2 rejection, or think you only 1/2 like him, but if you start to feel that, you can reassure him that you really do like him, but that your past is a bit complicated, and you don't want to "mess things up". (You'll have to use your own words.) If he really likes you, he'll try to understand. He won't just focus on what he wants from the Relationship, but also what is best for you - because what is best for you, is also better for the Relationship.

You say that when you open up, that you "end up messing things up." You have a lot inside your Self, but not every Guy can understand, or even wants to understand (most important). It usually takes a great deal of emotional patience, empathy, understanding, tolerance, acceptance, self-confidence, and of course, Love, which is the source of all those things. A Guy may not start out having all those things, but if he really Likes/Loves you, he will start to have those things. And that takes time, too.

Going Slow & Easy takes a bit of Self-Control - both you & the Guy. But if Fast & Furious hasn't worked in the past, then perhaps you can consider trying a different way. If a Relationship is like a Tree or Flower, if you want it to grow, you have to water it every day - not too little, but not too much, either. Too much, and it will drown - get "messed up". Little steps are often best - especially if Big Steps haven't been working out as well.

You sound like a very honest person... and honesty to others, but most importantly honesty to Your Self, is the path to a more honest Love - both in your heart, and in your life.

You are right when you say that things happen in our past affect us... but they affect our Present only - they do not need to affect our Future. The Loves we may have lost & the Fears that we may have gained in the past... does not mean we can't have Love, or let our Fears go in the present & future.

It is okay to "blame" our parents for what happened in the past & who we became, they do have some responsibility yes, but more importantly, We have to take responsibility for who we want to be in the present & future, and the kind of Life we wish to have & live.

Your real father may have abandoned you in the past, and your relationship with your parents might not be all that wonderful now...
which might be why you place a lot of importance on your Relationships. Actually, many people do this: They put their Hopes for Happiness & Love on Romantic Relationships, expecting to get it from their Romantic Relationships. But the only sure way to have it in a Relationship, is to first have Happiness & Love inside your heart first - which you then bring to a Relationship, which makes it grow. (The other person will have to have it, too, of course.)

A guy in a movie once said about living on an island: "Many people come to this island looking for more Romance in their life. But take a look around! It's just an island - you're not going to find it or anything else here, unless you bring it with you."

If you are afraid of relationships, yes, maybe you're afraid that they're not going to work out, since many haven't worked out in the past. Maybe you're afraid to open up & give your love, and then have it abandoned, or get it "messed up".

But from your writing, you sound like you have an extremely great capacity for Love, and are still fairly Optimistic of Love, a generally positive person, especially for someone whose father left. You must be incredibly strong & resilient - many would not have even tried to open up, but you did. And you did it not just once, but twice and maybe more, which is very brave. And still, you have not given up - otherwise, you would not have come here to ask a question & to find an answer, which shows a dedicated & open heart. Yet through all of this, you seem to have little or no bitterness within your Heart, since you do not wish to blame your parents. All this makes you seem like a pretty special person right now, although you may not see it your self. So don't give up - not on Love, but mostly on Your Self.

So I'm not sure if you really need to see a therapist or counselor. If you want to, you can try one, of course. They may or may not be helpful for you. But one is not absolutely necessary - again, ask your heart. If you really, really need that kind of help, your Heart will naturally move you in that direction. You'll know, because you'll feel worse & worse. Personally, I believe that you can work things out and find a way on your own. The keys are to :

1) Never give up on your Self or the Love inside your heart. Have more Faith & Trust in your Self, your Life, and your Future.
2) Love & Happiness must ultimately come from inside you. The more it comes from inside you, the more you will have it in your life. Learn from all your past experiences that didn't work out - don't just throw them away into the dustbin of history: learn from them. And learn from the positive experiences & relationships (current friends) as well. In your life, do what you love & feel passionate about - in your future work, your interests, in school, and people. Love is a great healer, and it is not just found & grown in Relationships.
3) Understand your Self. Both your Loves & your Fears. You can read about people with stories like yours, talk with your friends who are good listeners & understanders, write a journal (a good idea), but most importantly, you have to Listen to your heart, and sometimes you will have to use your Mind to understand what your Heart is saying & why it is saying it.

For example, with this Guy, you say you "really want to try it with this guy", but you also say you "kept blowing him off because I'm afraid of relationships." This means, your Heart might be telling you to accept both, that both need your attention, so take a Middle Path between the two. Pursue the Love, but deal also with your Fear - and you can do both, by doing both Slowly.

If you listen to your heart all the time (and not just when you're looking for answers), you'll begin to understand and know your Self better, and you'll start to know better & more clearly what to do in your greater Life, as well as in your ordinary life.

I hope some of this has been useful for you. (Only your heart can tell.) I do sincerely wish you all the very best - but I have faith & believe that you already have the very best within you.

Answer 2

First, you have to accept yourself before you can be ready for anyone else in your life. Just because your father left, does not mean all men are jerks. You sound like, you are still very hurt by your father abandoning you. This, of course, will make you scared of other male relationships. Talk to your mother or another adult. Counseling is a great "safe" place to talk. Your conversations will be kept confidently. You have got to accept what has happened to you. Then and only then, can you move forward in other bonding relationships. God Bless.

Answer 3

if you can think about this logically for a minute. You don't have a boyfriend, so, you are at 0, so to speak. Whats the worse thing that can happen if the relationship doesn't work out? You will be no worse off than you are now. Give it a shot. Most people have been hurt. Enjoy the ride, don't worry about the destination. You cannot control everything, let go a little.

Answer 4

Everyone has relationship issues and yes you can blame your parents...that is how your perception of relationships was formulated, that is how you think of relationships... but you have to take chances and just go w/it...sometimes you'll get hurt, but as they say "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all"

My parents have been divorced a combination of 8 times if you look at both of them...so I think about that all the time in my marriage, but I tell my husband honestly when I feel insecure or whatever and we work it out together... he has issues too and so does this guy...GOOD LUCK and TAKE A CHANCE... everyone deserves to be happy!

Answer 5

I would say that your fear of relationships does indeed stem from your father abandoning you. Maybe mentally you think that if he didn't love you enough to stick around, how could any other man? You just need help with this issue.

If you truly want to overcome your complex, talk to a therapist. Get your heart fixed, then go from there. Remain friends with the guy, but tell him you come first. Also consider giving your heart to the Lord. He can fix any problem.

I'm thinking of you...

Answer 6

i dont think you have a fear of relationships i think you have a fear of getting hurt, again. i think that you need to talk to a therapist, or maybe someone from your church, if you go to church. there is definately an underlying issue that you need to work through.

Answer 7

If you want to get married and have kids you cannot be afraid of relationships. If you don't want to get married or have kids... well that's another story.