How to get away from abuse at home?

Question

I am 24 years old but as a result of my ex-partner leaving me with 3K of debt I had to move in with my mother, I do not like my mother, in fact I'd rather never see her again but my choices were limited at the time.

There are a lot of things from when I was younger that have taken away her right to call herself 'mum' but recently she has decided as my 'mum' she has the right to know all – to the point where I cannot go to the bathroom without her asking where I'm going.

When I was younger she used to beat me for no reason, often with high heeled shoes, I didn't think she would start this again as she has been okay with me for a long time, assumingly as she is now on antidepressants. Tonight however as soon as I got home she started verbal abuse, an argument ensued, concluding in her physically attacking me.

There is no way I can afford a place of my own, not even sure I could afford to share a place right now, what options do I have and how do I get help?

To fill in some gaps;

I live in the UK; I have no other family, and as my friends are all engaged with children it would make staying with them very awkward. I work full-time, but my money never seems to last the week thus why I am stuck with debts and there is not much job security.

No way in hell I would talk to my mother, I have no interest in saying anything to her and there are things too deeply buried from my childhood, things she doesn't know or turned a blind eye to that I don't want to bring up etc. It would be more likely to cause her to lash out again then make her realise what she is doing is wrong.

CAB or counsel sounds like the best idea, I wouldn't know how to go about anything like that [yeah, I'm useless when it comes to these things, and I swear living with my mother at my age is causing me to revert to my teens] but I have a friend who is good at things to do with the counsel so he might help.

Answer 1

honest answer? she is a bully hit her back you will only have to do it the once violence solves nothing but if she knows your afraid it will continue look into getting accomodation from council etc its affordable for people in any financial situation as you will get help with the rent

Answer 2

First of all forget about talking to your mam, I don't think you are ready to listen to any of her excuses of why she wasn't there for you. And it could just escalate the violence. Don't stay there though cos the verbal abuse will eventually drip into your subconscious and make you lose any self respect and esteem that you have managed to gain in yourself.

You have two options that I can think of. One is to go to the YMCA and they would let you stay there until you get yourself sorted out. Its not pleasant but it would get you out of the situation the other thing is to do what I did and that is move out of the area altogether and start fresh.

YES you can do it , even with no money, What you do is get a live-in job at a hotel, so you have a roof over your head and a wage coming in. It might no be the best job in the world (cleaning rooms, waiting on tables, reception work etc) but it would be a start.

Answer 3

Report it to the local authorities demand a council house because of the abuse you are suffering. Also report it to the police. After all you are a victim of assault. Don't allow it to happen. You are 24 years old now, no longer a child stop playing the role of a victim.
You will only be a victim if you allow it. Stand up , hold your head up high. Nobody has the right to demand anything from you. Try and rid yourself of the fear, guilt, and shame you were conditioned to as a child.
Your mother is a very unhappy person and needs help but that's not your responsibility. let it go and good luck.

Answer 4

First of all, while you're there I think you should make some sacrafices with your money. Try to spend money on things you need for a while, not what you want. The sooner you get your debt paid off the better.

Secondly, you should threated to call the police on her if this continues. The problem is, by staying at her house, you're automatically showing her that what she does to you must not be an issue if you're still living with her.

I think you should apply for a house while trying to save some money. You seriously need to make sacrafices and get your own house. That way you'll be away from the madness while trying to come up with money to pay your debts.

I am really sorry for your situations, but I think you should speak to your friends about this, and see if they have any way of helping you.

Answer 5

try going to your bank to consolidate a loan to pay down what is owed.. then you could look in the papers for a situation where you would live as a nanny or an adult live in . these can be used as temporary solutions. once you have the debt under control get some therapy, the ex you speak of made an easy target of you due to the fact that your relationship with your mom was very out of control... people who are used to being used badly will carry that on into every relationship they will ever have. .. including any children you may have.. they could be abused by your mother or even by yourself..

once you have a handle on it , your life will really start.. have fun , don't look back , and remember, "living well is the best revenge".

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Answer 6

The first thing you need to do is talk with your Mum, at a time when she's not being "confrontational"..when she's calm. Tell her that "as her daughter you respect the fact that she is your Mum, therefore you would never attack,assault or curse her...& you can't let her do those things to you either. It's unhealthy for both of you. Tell her that while you understand that she has things goin' on in her life that you don't know about - that is no reason for resort to physical or emotional attacks...that you want to be able to talk with her about stuff & be there for each other in ways that you weren't there for each other when you were younger. To start fresh, to build a relationship now - but you can't do this with those things going on. If she gets violent or attacks you, you have no choice but to take your things & leave. Before you talk with her you should contact your local human services/police dept/victims advocacy center & ask them to give you the phone # & contact info for "Safe House" or any program that is offered thru your state to help those being abused to get out. (There are lots of programs available...Check 'em out! you don't have to stay at a Safe House forever, Just a week or so, and they will help you find a place, (affordably) they can help you get financial planning advice, etc, etc. I 've worked with the Victims Adv. groups in my area (safe house etc) & they are very helpful....It wouldn't hurt to just make a few phone calls.
Good Luck! & Protect yourself, no matter what. You can't subject yourself to emotional & physical abuse.
(& you need to forgive your Mum for the past. b/c it will do nothing but eat you alive & keep you from being able to move forward & have healthy relationships.. forgiving her is for your benefit...not hers.)God Bless.

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's terrible that your mom has treated so bad that you feel this way about her. One day she'll regret it, in the mean time, contact a place like the YWCA and explain the situation to them. There are places like this that will give you a place to stay until you can afford a place of your own. You might even try contacting a friend or another family member until you can find a place. No one deserves to be beat - I don't care how old you are. You should leave and find another place to stay.

Answer 8

Im assuming your in the UK.
Go to your local CAB or homlessness agency and find out about emergency accommodation to escape the domestic violence. You can also register as homeless (in that you have no place you are legally entitled to live) with your local council.
There should be help in finding another place and financial help to pay rent etc if youre on a low wage from the local council and various voluntary agencies.
If you still have all that debt, the priority is making sure you have enough to live off, the cab can also help you sort out your debts so that you can manage the rent etc.
Good luck.

Answer 9

Phone your local womans refuge and let them know of this situation as it is abuse that is going on. They will put you in a refuge which is usually within a flat and you will have you own room. If you have to share the flat with anyone else they will be in the same situation as you so will be nice and normal and not junkies. They will help you with getting housing and will make an appointment with you to see a homeless officer with the local housing office - they will put you as a prority which means you will be offered a flat quite quickly.

As for your debts - get in touch with all your debtors and work out repayment plans as they prefer it when you pay £5 a month as opposed to nothing at all - this will also help get your credit record back to normal.

Good luck I really hope it works out for you.

Answer 10

You don't mention whether or not you're working, if you are then your options are greater. Try to save towards a deposit for a small studio flat/bedsit, I suggest you get some debt advice from your local Citizens Advice Bureau too.

If you're not working I would suggest you move in with a (female) friend & try to build your life anew

A seemingly little known fact is that those on a low income from working can get help with their rent from the Housing benefit people.

I wish you all the best & hope it turns out happily for you soon.

Answer 11

Darlin, at 24 your mother should be the furthest worry you should have, I literally cringed when I read she beat you with high heel shoes...hon, you have to get out of there, and I know that you already know that. You have to seek out an organization that can instruct you on how to get the help that you need to get you back into an environment that is not destructive and stressful for you.

Yes, your friends have children they have to care for and of course you would feel like a third wheel as well as possibly embarrassed to have to ask if you could impose upon them for a bit...but darlin' I doubt they'd feel it was an imposition. I'm sure that as your friends, they would rather you sleep on their sofa for awhile and know that you are ok, than be in the position you are in now.

This situation with your mother is going to begin to affect how you work, function and survive so although it might be very difficult for you to seek out help from friends while you try to obtain assistance from a support network or organization, but which is the lesser of two evils...your life with your mother? Your 'bothering' your friends (which I am pretty certain would not be a bother in their eyes).

Right now you are in a very precarious position...if your mother gets abusive enough or she decides it's time to heave you out the door...you are the one losing. You have to make the move first before she can make it for you and you are then totally unprepared. Plan your escape hon, then follow through with it. You don't need to relive your childhood any longer and certainly. I think you mom has issues that go deeper than depression and it sounds like there is a tad bit of jealousy by her towards you that is involved as well.

You CAN escape hon, take the first step and call one of your friends, offer to babysit in return on a few evenings to help out, or make dinners etc. Then concentrate on get assistance to help you get back on your feet and on your own again...it will take some time but it only begins when you take the first step...go ahead, do it...you can and you will.

Best of luck to you darlin, take care