25 yr old meeting the 37 yr old ex wife for the 1st time...advice?

Question

I'll be attending a wedding with my boyfriend of over a year. The bride and groom are mutal friends of he and his ex(They were married for 5 yrs, she was having an affair for 2 of those yrs & it killed the marriage) She's already made negative comments to him as to why I will be there as i've only met the bride and groom a handful of times, but they specifically invited me & have always made me feel very welcome as "the new squeeze"

I knew getting involved with him this day would probably come. He & the Ex have an amicable relationship as they share custody of their dog (only in LA right) which I can understand is for the best & part of me does want to get it over with & be able to have a civil relationship...But at the end of the day, I'd really rather not have to pretend to be nice to someone who treated a very good man with utter disrespect & spite...Does anyone have advice or thoughts or has been in a similar situation???

I will of course be dignified and would never do ANYTHING that would interfere or ruin the day for the bride and groom. Just if anyone has advice on ice breakers or what to say, how to behave...I'm normally a very friendly person by nature and If i don't like someone I just don't even deal with them, so i'm trying to find that balance, without being rude or cold but also without being my totally friendly, chatty self (its very dificult for me to fake being nice to someone i don't care for them)

Answer 1

I met my husbands X wife for the first time when we were dating...(they had 4 young kids at the time together)... One day me & my b/f (at the time) took the kids out & when the day was done I gave them each a hug & told them how much fun it was being with them....the youngest of the 4 said to me: "I HATE YOU"...I knew it wasnt coming from him but from his muther....its sooo hard to be in a relationship that has an X...especially if they are at an event that you will be attending....
What made it even worse was that my b/f's muther DID NOT LIKE ME ONE BIT! We (me & my b/f) eventually got married...& a few yrs after we were married my husbands muther invited my husbands X to her 50th wedding anniversary...I got SOOOOOO mad! I left! my then mother in law said to me: "its MY party & I can invite whoever I want-get over it"....
My husbands kids are older now & very well to do for themselves...but there will ALWAYS be that DAY of having to see that X, weather it be at a wedding, graduation or whatever!
Try to suck it up & go! be pleasant, & smile alot! dont let them get to you! you dont have to see this X everyday, she dosent live with you...it will be over before you know it....Go have a good time & keep on smilin' I'm rootin' for ya!

Answer 2

Be gracious. This does not mean pretend to like someone or be fake...it just means be dignified, don't give away your power and be there for your man (as he will probably be a bit freaked out to have you both there).

Remember, you are the woman who is with him now. She is the past, you are his future. It's great that they can be amicable (I spent 10 years in Cali, so I get that whole west coast, let's share custody of the pets thing) but the key is to stay in the present and remember your place is with him and hers is...not!

It's tough to be friendly (or even just peaceful!) with a woman who treated the man you love poorly. I can 100% relate as I am involved now with a divorced man who has to be in frequent contact with his ex-wife because they have a son. She was terrible to him and I have a hard time not hating her for what she put him through, but she's never done anything bad to ME, so I try to keep our "relationship" and their relationship separate.

Just be true to who you are and don't let a past relationship rob you of your empowerment. Focus on the bride and groom and their special day and try to make the event fun for you and your boyfriend. Let the ex squirm if she doesn't like you being there! It's not her call to make!!

Good luck!

Answer 3

I just got out of a relationship just like that. She divorced him about a year ago and wow, what a mess. Especially with 2 small children involved. The problem is that you have to be okay with her talking to him because of the kids. That means birthdays, Christmas, teacher conferences, everything as if they were married. The children are very young so they try to put up a front,in front of the kids anyway, that mommy and daddy are fine. Its just that mommy lives in another house now. Talk about weird! And the worst thing is you have to play the bigger person and act like it doest bother you, after all, it is all for the kids. I told her that I understood that both of them had to act as parents but I was having trouble adjusting to the fact that she had to stay in everyday contact with her ex. She also had this fairytale idea that I should be friends with him , for the kids of course, and I should always tell the kids what a great dad they have. Sound crazy? I thought so. Im sure everyone in the world exept her thought so. Add the emotional baggage of her marriage ending only a year ago and you can see the situation. The relationship of course ended because of my inability to conform to her fairytale. My advice? Well, as we get older you have to come to terms with the fact that anyone you potentially date will either be divorced, have kids, or both. My philosophy is if you meet a girl thats in her 30's who doest have these traits, shes propably pretty weird. If it doesnt work for you never try to force it, but you knew that already. As far as the ex-wife, just be glad they dont have kids, and when you find out how to be comfortable around her, tell me how.

Answer 4

There is no need for there to be any relationship with your boyfriends or husbands ex if there are not Children involved. By all means be nice (killing them with kindess always works - they want to hate you but you are too sweet to be hated!)...make sure the day is wonderful for your new founds friends that are getting married. If this woman should make a comment or remark to you or about you that day...let is go. FOR THE MOMENT!
After the celebration anything she says or does should be addressed not only by you but your boyfriend...after all you deserve respect and he needs to demand that for you as much if not more than you do yourself.

Now I do have to ask about joint custody of a dog!!! That is retarded.....I was involved with a guy and he and his ex wife had the same thing...she would come and go from his house to see the dog. She even walked in one day while I was asleep really late at night waiting for him to get home from work...I drew the line. Either the dog went or I did....Heck you can buy him another dog but the joint custody is retarded....he needs to cut the relationship off with her...there is no need for communication - no need for contact or etc.... He can buy another dog.

Again - demand respect for yourself and another woman making comments about you that you are not required to have to communicate with - like if they had children together - is not acceptable. Why does he want to keep that communcation there??? Be careful...sounds like there is more here than meets the Paw! Good Luck

Answer 5

I would think of it this way, no matter what she says about you, if it wasn't for her being such a selfish bitc*, you wouldn't' have had the opportunity to meet such a great guy. So in a way you should be thanking her. She is in a round a bout way responsible for your happy relationship. So when you meet her, you can smile knowing this in your mind. Any negative remarks coming from her, is her jealousy, because her ex was able to find a better woman than she is.☼

I probably wouldn't start any conversations with her, but if she and your boyfriend happen to have one in your presence, just stand by his side and listen, maybe with a smile on your face. You don't really have to speak to her. You have no obligation to be overly friendly, just be polite if she says anything to you.

Answer 6

You are there for the bride and groom. Put all of your focus and good energy on them. When and if the time comes to meet her, shake her hand, say "It's nice to meet your acquaintance.", and then turn the subject to the wedding. (How wonderful it was, how beautiful her dress was, how you think they will have a long, healthy and happy marriage, etc.) No reason to talk about anything else with her. She knows what kind of person she is, no reason to stoop to her level.

Answer 7

I have not met an "ex-wife", but I have interacted with my then-husband's ex-girlfriend who remained a close friend with his mother, and was included in family holiday celebrations. From what he had told me about her, I didn't particularly like her, and would never want to be friends with her - but I didn't have a problem with attending holiday dinners with her; she was just another guest. Think about it this way: your b/f's ex may have disrespected him - but HE was the one who had made a choice to be in a relationship with and marry this person. The burden of responsibility is split 50/50 between them. Try not to view him as a hapless victim, and her as a perpetrator of evil; they are both grown adults, and make informed choices and decisions. Certainly don't worry about any "comments" she might make, and about how she might feel about you. Go to the wedding and enjoy yourself. If she doesn't like you being there - well, it's too bad for her. Also, you don't have to buddy up to her to simply be civil, and carry yourself with dignity. Just be yourself! Good luck.

Answer 8

Always, always take the high road. I am remarried to a man that has 2 ex's. They share children so at times it can be tense. Just be polite. If something negative is directed at you, you can address it, but don't lower yourself to petty stuff. Don't dread the day so much. Go and have a good time.

Answer 9

It is possible that you may only be seeing this from your own perspective.

I suspect that your being there is going to make the ex-wife uncomfortable. When she learned that you would be attending, she probable began to feel uncomfortable right then and that was likely the reason for her negative remarks. On the other hand, what the hell do I know?

Answer 10

DO NOT get catty with the ex. If you don't like her - fine. But you are attending somebody's wedding, and there is no reason for hostility. She's part of his past and you have to accept it. I think you should just keep your cool, don't let her make you feel as if you're lower than her. Keep in mind the whole time you are there with YOUR man, you are attending THEIR wedding, and she has nothing to do with any of it. And have fun, and look really really hot.