At what age do you give your kids some space? Daughter who will be 13 soon she wants space?

Question

She is good in school and really does not want a boy friend, but i am so afraid that she will make the wrong choice if I am not there. I know that I have taught her right from wrong, I just want more for her, and don't want her to make the same mistakes i made. PLEASE HELP

Answer 1

How much "space" are we talking? My daughter (now 17) can close & lock her bedroom door for "space" with the understanding that Mom will come in when she pleases. She can go out with her friends, but must keep her cell phone on. She has a right to privacy on the phone. She has the right to disagree with me in a respectful manner but understands that I will make the final decision.

All that being said, I have always made it VERY clear that this is my house, everything you see (including everything in your room) is mine. When she wanted internet access in her room, I told her what the limitations are (no chat rooms, no giving out personal info, etc.) AND let her watch as I loaded parental control software that lets me monitor every single keystroke and see screenshots. I have also been very clear about why - I work for a federal law enforcement agency and I brought home 10-15 reports on kids who had been kidnapped, abused, and/or killed by people they met on the internet.

She has her own car which I paid for and maintain insurance on. She is also well aware that I have a GPS tracking system installed that can monitor her whereabouts and speed, in real time, via the internet.

I try very hard not to say no without thinking about why, and I share those reasons with her. She may not like why I say no, but she is very clear about why I say no. She can have all the space she wants when she's an adult, until then, she can have all the space I think is safe and appropriate.

Answer 2

Well, I have a 15 year old girl and it sounds like she is similar to your daughter. Just sit down with her and ask her what she wants. Then you can come up with something that you both are happy with. Its surprising how much they understand why they can't do certain things when you explain it to them in plain English. If she is a good girl and you trust her. give her some space. At 13, I let my daughter go on group dates meaning, a parent carpooled everyone, boys and girls to the destination, she had to call me at least once while there and a parent picked them all up from the location and brough them home. Explain to her that you want to start there and if she proves that she can be trusted, eventually she'll get a little more freedom and the two of your negotiate them when you both are ready. Once you agree on the rules, make it very clear that she understands and accepts the consequences and make sure you 100% always follow thorough with the consequences.

My house is very peaceful, my kid is happy, healthy on Varsity Cheerleading and on the honor roll. She thinks I am cool too. Yeah, cool even though I have rules.. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Give her space gradually. When you see she's doing well with that space, give her a little more.

You could start by allowing her to stay out with friends maybe half an hour later than you usually do, maybe let her choose her own sports or musical instrument if you're imposing one on her.

And definately always knock before entering her room. Teen girls get very protective about their living space at first, I was anyway (and I wasn't doing anything wrong, either - I just wanted to have more alone-time)

Answer 4

At the age of 13 she is still a child, I think you can let up on a few of the rules, but as for more space I'd give a little at a time, my daughter just turned 12 and is no where ready for space. Let her know what can be given can be taken away as easily if it is abused.

Answer 5

Space is fine as long as you teach her it is a privilege and a responsibility. It is not something that is owed to her it should be earned. My daughter both know the rule "you live in my house and I as a parent have the right to enter any room I want." I knock of course before I enter but I am not locked out. I trust that they act as they should when they are out without me, I remind them I have friends they don't know who know what they look like and my friends will tell if they see you acting inappropriately. My girls call my friend spies and just say yup. They have both grown into very nice young adults and when my friends see them they tell me that too. My daughters are just amazed when I say so -n- so saw you at Taco Bell and said you were very polite when you held the door for them and I am proud of you. It drives them crazy they held the door for a stranger who was really a co-worker of mine who knew her from pictures. But it just reinforces you never know who is watching and that being trusted with space is a huge responsibility and privilege.

Answer 6

Its time for a rite of womanhood (has she started menstruating? That's usually when a girl has a womanhood ritual). Declare her to be a woman-in-training and explain that she is an adult in your eyes, now she needs to practice. Have her earn freedoms by domonstrating responsibilities. She does all her own laundry and helps with the household's laundry, then she has earned a freedom. Try to make things connect logically. Have her write essays that explain how she thinks and feels about adulthood. Start small, ask her what it means to be an adult. Have her give you at least two pages. Don't grade her thoughts, but do comment on her English skills. Talk with her about what she has written and what she feels. Then give her a privilege. Do this for the issues that you feel are important. As she earns her adulthood, you will respect the woman she is becoming. You have five years to teach her to be a good woman, now is the time to start seeing her as that adult. Try to remember how hard it is to be a teenager, you are not a kid and not allowed to be a kid. You are not an adult and every time you try to be, some adult slaps you down and tells you you are a kid. Its tough, help her grow with grace and you will have a wonderful adult relationship with you daughter at the end.

Answer 7

Give her some space, she deserves it... and if you don't give it to her she will demand it and end up hating you for always being over her shoulder. Give her space, yes, but that doesn't mean you won't be there for her. It means you'll be close if she needs you or if she asks for help but otherwise you will let her be. Trust me, if she really needs you she'll come to you. Sometimes though you have to KNOW when something's wrong, and if it is ask her and help her with it.

Answer 8

By all means give her some space. If you attach yourself to her hip every second of the day, she doesn't have a chance to take what you've taught her and make her own decisions (which is something she'll have to learn how to do to be a successful person).

Answer 9

she wont make ur mistake shell make her own! u have to give her some space or in a few years shes gonna do her best to get away from u! stay in her life and talk to her...b there for her...give advice when she ASKS for it...let her hang out with her friends by herself...shes been proving to u for 13 years that she is mature...for a 13 year old not wanting a boyfriend ur lucky...she sounds like a good girl and u have to show her u trust her!

Answer 10

It is all up to how much you trust her not give away information she isn't suppose to. I have myspace and am 15 I have had it for a year or 2 now and I really never found anything too "unsafe" She can Block her site from anyone seeing it without her permission and she can choose who her friends are. So it basically comes down to her responsibilty and how much you trust her.