What are your views on a 9 y.o. deciding the fate of a marriage between two grown adults who love each other?

Question

My wife and I have been married for almost a year and we are now talking about divorce, well I left for the sake of the arguements in front of her 9 y.o. son. After a couple of days I returned home to talk about us staying together. She told me that it all rests on the decision of said 9 y.o. He is her son from a previous marriage, and I was told that if he wants me there we would try to work things out, and if he doesn't then we would not. I don't know how to take this because of his age, making decisions that could affect my wife and I's future.

Answer 1

While her son's feelings and building a stable home for him are a priority, it is a total cop-out on her part to lay the decison/blame on a 9 year old child...she is the one making the decision!

Answer 2

This is totally ridiculous because a 9 year old does not have enough intelligence or experience to make such a decision. I'd question the logic of someone who put such an important decision in someone's hands who could not possibly come up with a good answer. Why not flip a coin? It's probably more sane. That way at least your poor son won't be haunted by making a choice that he had no ability to make.

People can be irrational during a divorce. But you are the parents, and it's your responsibility to rationally make decisions. Not to give up that responsibility because you don't know the right thing to do.

It's up to both of you to figure out the right course of action and also to take responsibility for any consequences of those actions.

Good Luck.

Answer 3

I don't think that you should be involved with her because she has a son who she needs to raise first. He already has been through so much chaos and doesn't need more drama in his life.

Her priority would be her son first, which makes you second. That's why people should not get married to someone who already has kids from a prior marriage. It just brings more drama into kids lives.

This decision should not be her sons though, it should be hers. If she is going to let her son run her life, she is heading for disaster. She is teaching her son that it is okay to control someone and his behavior is acceptable at all times. She is not using good parenting as well.

So, you may want to ask yourself, is this what you want? Or, do you love this woman enough to wait until her son is old enough to be on his own? Some things to really think about. Because right now, he does need a mother that will give him the attention that he needs. Not sure if this will even work out for her when you have a son who is in charge.

Answer 4

Nine year olds do not have the maturity or insight to make a decision like that. Christ...your wife has to be off her rocker here pal. Why not let the kid decide if you should have another kid? Or make the car payment...or any other adult oriented decision.
Nine year olds are allowed to decide what kind of ice cream they'd likeor if they want mustard or catsup on their hot dog.
They have no say in anything else. Quite frankly my friend, if this is the thought process of your wife I'm sorry to say but you may be better off without her and the kid.
You are entirely correct in your anxiety that your future is in the hands of a person that wears Spiderman underwear.
Best of luck.

Answer 5

I think it's very sad that she's putting her own child into the middle of your and her problems. She's acting very childish by doing that. Doesn't she know how to make decisions on her own. It sure shows that she doesn't. If she has to do that in order for you both get back together, think what's next, she's gonna have her son control and pretty soon as the child gets older and into a teenager, He will have complete control and be telling both of you what to do and where to go, then what are you gonna do then. Think about it.

Answer 6

she should not allow him to decide, the adults should decide. at least u know what the rest of your marriage will be like if u choose to stay with her. she should not be allowing a child to make such an important decision. stupid on her part. giving him such a free reign over the household, being able to run the show. personally if this child is allowed to make these kinds of decisions u need to go and let her deal with life on her own.

Answer 7

Your wife should keep the nine year old out of this. she is wrong to let her son decide whether you stay or go! You should tell her, if that be the case, you have decided it isn't worth the hassle and see what happens then, If she truly loves you and wants to make it work, she will explain things to her son!

Answer 8

First, I suggest not giving up on your marriage. Visit http://www.marriage180.com/ and look around a bit. I found a plethora of excellent advice by reading the books from this site. I encourage you to look into it yourself and ask your wife to work with you.

Sencond, the child is only 9! He shouldn't have this falling on his shoulders, poor boy. I would leave him out of this.

Good luck!

Answer 9

I think it best not to get a 9 yr old involved in this matter. He is too young to understand an adult matter and make a decision like this. Is she for real? She sounds like she gives the kid whatever he wants.

Answer 10

I think the mother needs to put her life in HER hands and not of the childs. Because on day down the road she will use it against him. Once you allow a child to choose something like a spouse for the parent they will always think they can do it in the future. And the mother will always be lonely and only have her child.