Why is my life this horrible!!!?

Question

First of all thank you for all those who are reading my sad story!! I got married 1 year ago to my husband who I love very much. But his mother has been living with us because she is 64 and she has no other children, but she gets into our arguments and she rules in the house. we started renting since we got married but she and my husband moves in a week before me, so she put her dishes and linens and everything in the place she wanted, there wasnt even room for my own things! i said nothing but keept all that anger inside. Now she got into an argument we had yesturday and I asked her to please stop getting in our problems that evrytime we fight is because of something to do with her, she got mad and ye;lled at me infront of my husband she said that i hated her , that I was bad, that my family hates her son, and that she wanted to move because she cant stand seeign me anymore, now my husband ofcourse thinks all this is true! they are both against me! I feel so depressed!

I dont even want to get home from work I feel like staying in bead all day! I ate nothing at all yesturdy all I did was cry! and everytime I think about this I start to cry! My husband says that I should have not told her that she gets in our buisness, that I should have kept my mouth shut! Now I feel worse! what should i do I love him very much but I dont feel like Im as important as his mother! I have no one to talk to! I am so desperate!

Answer 1

Ok, listen, I have seen this many times. First thing first: DO NOT LET ANYBODY STEP ON YOU.

Is your family, your husband, and your house. Not hers and not anybody else either. So first thing to do is to get your husband, sit down, and have a civilized talk ALONE IN PRIVATE. Rent a hotel room if you must. And you have to do this RIGHT AWAY. Yesterday would have been better… so make sure to do it tonight. Your matrimony might be in danger now.

Once a couple gets married, nobody else can have a saying in what they do. They can advise, but that’s it. you two as a couple take the decisions, good or bad, and carry on with them and their consequences. It is part of married life. Trust me, I know.

Now, make a promise to your husband and make him promise that when you talk, there will be no fight and you two are going to listen to each other and find solutions together. Also swear in your life you have nothing against his mother or family and that you would die for then just as much as you would for yours because you all are now part of a big family. And this must hold true for you and him. Right?

Then, sit with him, and explain what is going on, explain why you have been holding (to avoid a confrontation that happened anyways at the end), etc, etc. Don’t let him interrupt. Is your turn to talk, he will get his after.

Then listen to him, and what he has to say. After that, is all up to you two. You have to find solutions. Fighting will not get you anywhere. He needs to understand that as his wife, you have the right to claim some space in your won house (as a house that belongs to both of you). His mother is there so you two can take care of her, but she is not to be taking decisions in your (both of you) private life, and same for the house. She is there as a guest, and that is the way it is going to be.

He must understand he is not to choose between a wife or a mother, but to put each were they belong. His family is now not only his mother, but you too. And you are the wife, so he needs to have you there as an equal. His mother must stay back as now she is not longer the primary center of attention. He needs to understand that.

And worse, he needs to talk to his mother also, and ask her not to get into your (both of you) private life. She is not going to like it, and for what you said, she is probably jealous of you and will think you “brainwashed” her son. But reality is not a good thing many times. Both your husband and her must accept it.

Otherwise, your matrimony has no future while she is there living with you two. This is the reason why you have to act now and do not leave it for later. And be prepared for your husband not to accept many things, try to discuss it, try to come up with agreements and try to give in a little, and make him do the same. If he doesn’t listen, you wil have to remind him that when he chose you, and got married, he chose also to crate a new family and he must accept that. And reality is that his mother is now a second priority. His family, that is you and any future kids, are now his first priority.

If things remain the same later on, even after talking and agreeing with things, then you two will have to think about other options that involved moving her out to her own place or a retirement home or something.

Is sad, but true. And if you don’t confront it, and take actions, your life will be miserable and you will ruin the future of what could be a wonderful matrimony.

Good luck. And try to keep your family together. It is possible, as long you fight for it.

Answer 2

First of all, I am SO sorry for the situation you're in. After marriage, your husband's first priority should be you and the life you 2 have - not including any outsiders. And shame on his mother for being an undermining factor in your marriage. There's probably not a lot you can do about it if your husband has his priorities screwed up....

I'd suggest you get ahold of some marriage books for the husband and wife (I'm sorry, I can't think of one specifically right now) and try to get him to agree to read them with you.

Aside from him choosing to make the changes necessary to create a healthy relationship between the 2 of you (still excluding outsiders - especially 'mom'), you have the choice to accept the way things are or make the changes for yourself that are necessary for your well-being.

Good luck to you.......

Oh and on a sidenote: don't let someone else tell you that you need to "get a grip". Your feelings/worries are valid. Just because someone else has a worse horror story, it doesn't take away or minimize the trauma you're going through. It's sad that people are in the hospital, maimed, dying, whatever, but it's also irrelevant to your issue.

Answer 3

Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry for you!
First of all not many married women or men these days would cope with in-laws moving in. So you give your self a pat on the back right there. And after listening to your story THIS IS WHY MOST PEOPLE avoid in-laws moving in.
It's important to respect his mothers feelings, but at the same time it's very important for her to respect both of your feelings as well. I don't know any mother in-laws that would even think of moving into a newlyweds home. It must be a cultural thing.
This is a very big strain on a marriage. I hope your spouse understands this. He needs to think about his future with his new wife and at the same time remember who he's married to. And both of you need to agree on who's home it really is. Is it his mothers and you both are living there or is it yours and his and his mother is living with you? Maybe you both should clear that up first. Because it sounds to me like it's her place, being as she moved in all her dishes etc. I think you should talk to him and find out what the situation is.

Answer 4

Well, first of all talk to them both at the same time but calmly. Tell her that you do care what she says cause after all she is your husband's mom, however, that your relationship with him is separate and is a thing of two. That even though, you don't agree of most of her opinions that you do value them for the fact that she probably wants the best for both of them but that she needs to give you guys a chance to discover that on your own along with him. Tell your husband that because you love him so much you have placed your feelings inside you of the uncomfortable situation. You do understand that she's the only child she has,but that you also understand that when you got married, that you got married to him only and that marriatal problems should be between husband and wife. That if he wants for you to be happy along with him, then both of you need to walk along each other's arm not at each other's throats. That you had vowed in marriage to be there til death do as part not til mom do as part. I know how you feel girl, my marriage got destroyed because my ex was a daddy's boy.

Answer 5

First, my sympathy to you. Ponder these wordings: Happiness is not found at the end of the road. It is along the road. But at 64 years old there is nothing much she can do to you. The reason that she doesn't like and yelled at you is because of jealousy. It is normal that parent or mother who have only child will feel a little bit loss when her son get married. Try to compromise with her but set your limit. Make it clear to your husband that legally you have more right on him compared to his mother. You are the only one who knows better about yourself and your future. If divorce is the best option do it right now when you are still young and before you commit to conceive. Whatever the decision you may take do it professionally. I am a counsellor do consult me at [e-mail] for more advice..

Answer 6

You call THAT a terrible life? Get a grip lady. My nephew is laying in a hospital bed in a coma, with burns over 75 percent of his 21 year old body, after being blown up by a bomb in Iraq. If he survives at all, he will have lost both eyes, and wont ever see his newborn baby, due in a week. Put things into perspective, why dont you. Arguing with your mother in law is an old pasttime.-NOT a tragedy If your hubby is taking your mothers side, he isnt the right guy for you anyway-he is a mommas boy.

Answer 7

First off its the mother who doesnt like you for some reason. Your husband is a mamas boy so thats why he is siding with her. He needs to be on your side. Why cant you two place her in an assited living home so she is out of your home??? You were RIGHT to say what you did to his mother. When there is a third person involved in a couples problems then things get messy. I suggest that you talk to your husband tonight let him know how you feel inside and how you feel about his mother intruding in your lives. GL! If you need to talk then just IM me. I always listen to peoples problems.

Answer 8

It sounds like your mother in law is having a hard time letting her son go.. and vice versa... I think your husband needs to step up and stand by you.. not his mother. his mother should understand that he is now married and what problems you have its between you and your husband.. not you, husband and mother in law.

Forget about what your mother in law said.. she doens't know much by the sound of things.

You sound really depressed, i think you should seek professional counselling about it. Also you need to speak to your husband and let him know who you feel about the whole situation ie your mother in law taking over your house etc etc. Let him know that you are not able to take much more of this. I know that you love him however if things don't change things will get worse. I think its time for your hubby to make a choice.. his wife or mother.. if he continues to take the side of his mother, leave him

Sorry to sound harsh and you might feel bad about making him choose but you are not saying never see your mother again, just be a husband. I mean whats next.. is she going to come into the bedroom and give you pointers on how to have sex... Things need to change and NOW..

Good luck

Answer 9

Sounds like your husband hasn't cut the cord from his mother yet! when the 2 of you got married she became the extended family and he should be by your side when there are confrontations or at least be a mediator. Sounds like you have a mommas boy who is more comfortable allowing his mother to still run his life! you need to decide if your going to be able to live with this for the rest of HER LIFE because it sure sounds like she's the one wearing the pants in your marriage and it doesn't sound like your husband minds at all. Remember when you get married you marry the whole family, you need to do some sole searching girl.

Answer 10

Wow. Your story makes me kind of happy that I can't communicate with my mother-in-law (language barrier).

Here's what I think. If he REALLY feels the same as his Mom, you should spend some time apart because in my opinion, it's only going to get worse if you all keep seeing each other EVERY day. So, take a break. Maybe he'll realize your point of view and come to his senses! Doubtful, but there's always a little bit of hope.

By the way... has your family ever done anything to make his Mom think they hate him?