Ex husband's past - does his new gf have a right to know?

Question

My ex husband told me (~after~ we had 2 children together) that he had sexually molested his sister when they were younger (he was 11 and she was 5). I found out that all 4 children were sexually abused and one of the family members is in prison for related crimes.
I'm torn - because my ex husband is now dating a woman who has a little girl. As a mother myself I'm thinking "This woman has a right to know - I wish someone would have told me about his past before I had children with him". But as an ex wife I'm thinking "She may just think I'm trying to get in the way".
What are some opinions on this matter?

Let me clarify - when I said 'all four children' I meant his siblings and himself, not our children. We have 2 children together and as far as I know he has never done anything to them.

To answer your question about why he waited to tell me? His sister actually told me that it happened because we used to be very close. All 3 of her brothers had molested her and she needed to tell someone, she chose to tell me. That's why I found out, when I confronted him he admited it. He didn't 'come clean' of his own free will, he was 'told on' by his sister.

Answer 1

You have a responsibility to warn this new gf, especially since she has a little girl. She may or may not believe you but it's up to you to do the right thing.
I worked with a guy,"Ernie" (who is now in prison for 17 years) who was going to marry a woman with 2 small daughters. His stepdaughter, now an adult, warned the new fiance. She wouldn't listen, didn't believe
that she had been molested by her finance. Well, they married and you guessed it, Ernie molested the little girls.
Once that happened, others came forth and pressed charges.
Interestingly, the new wife stood by him. She didn't believe her own daughters and she's waiting for him to serve his time!
I wish you the best. It won't be easy and she may not listen, but please, do your part to protect this little innocent. Good luck and remember, "it takes a village".

Answer 2

Despite the fact you have information that in your situation would be burning a hole in anyone chest my advice is to say nothing. Oh sure, there will be those out there who'll condemn me for telling you this but they aren't in your shoes are they?
If he told you...and I'm sure at the time it was in the strictest of confidence than he may do the same with the new girlfriend. I agree with your thought that this may be misconstrued as an attempt to throw a wrench into the new relationship.
Its a very difficult decision to make and God forbid should something unsavory occur you cannot beat yourself up and regret that you said nothing. What happened in the past may very well not happen again. You're spilling the beans betrays his confidence (at the time) in you.
I hope that this tilted your decision in the right direction. Seriously...be careful. This is something that can ruin someone's life. Especially in light of "what may or may not" happen. Don't fall into that trap. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Answer 3

This is a very hard situation indeed. Like you said, being his ex, the new woman in his life is going to think you're being a biatch and not take you seriously at all.

The fact that she has a little girl, does bother me though. I think she has to know....I don't know how you are going to tell her but, maybe your sister-in-law could back you up in this.

Have a talk to her first and then work out a way but, your ex's new woman has got to know because of her own little girl.

Answer 4

At 11 he was still a child himself and probably just acting out what he had seen and experienced.....I would go more by the behavior he has exhibited as an adult. If he has never behaved inappropriately with his or anyone else's children then you really have nothing to tell. There are many abuse victims out there that do not carry on that cycle and your ex deserves to have a normal life without you telling his girlfriends about his past......UNLESS you think he has behaved inappropriately with children since he has been an adult.

Answer 5

I think you should tell him he should tell her. If you tell her she will likely not believe you. However, I completely see your point that she should know about this. Problem is you have no proof, so it will seem like you are just meddling. You could write her a letter, let her know, and say you will never contact her again unless she contacts you first. If you learned that her daughter was molested by this guy, how could you sleep at night. I think you need to do something, just don't make it seem vindictive.

Answer 6

Absolutely! You should tell her because it's for the safety of the child. Any time a child's health or safety is at stake you should do the right thing. I would also keep talking to your children to see if this has happened to them. As far as you know! Give me a break you are a mother first!

Why did he wait until after you had children to tell you something of this magnitude? That strikes me as odd.

Answer 7

I would try to warn her, though normally I would say stay away. This is something that is too darn important to let go. I don't think that you should make it your mission in life to go araound warning new girlfriends, but in this case, I think that you would be wrong not to. I think that if you are caring and forthright, she won't take it the wrong way. Just assure her that you wouldn't ordnarily contact her and that you won't again, but that there's something that she needs to know for the safety of her daughter.

Tough call though.

Best of luck and God bless!

Answer 8

Though it may be awkward to tell her, you need to first consider it a favor to her daughter. As long as you let her know in a concerned and preventive, FYI kind of way, she should not be angry with you. You should also ask him if he has told her.
But be sure to tell her that things were fine with your children, but just to know, and to watch a little more carefully.

If she is decent, she will respect that you are trying to help her. Just don't come across as trying to upset or damage their relationship. Make your intentions clear.

Answer 9

first let me say that you should be proud of yourself for caring about someone elses children (go get a manicure and pedicure) yes she should know and one way is to send her a letter no name no return address. Just putting the thought in her head may put her on her toes and she will think a little harder when it comes to making decision about leaving him alone with her children

Answer 10

your lucky that this man is out of your life, if u told her do u think she would really believe u? or think it was a ploy to get him back. if it were me i would want to know, but than again i would not want this man coming back on me, so no i probably wouldn't say anything, because she may not believe u unless u could back it up, unless the sister was willing to tell her too. if it was coming from u it may not mean a thing, but coming from the sister it would be more than likely believed.