Why does he think I can just "get over it and move forward"?

Question

My husband had an affair when he was away from home working for several months. He came home and the affair was discovered, mainly because his mistress made sure I knew everything. She claimed to be pregnant et, etc. We are working hard to get through this. He seems very remorseful, and most of the time is very supportive. Like I said we are BOTH working hard. I try hard not to bing it up...but somedays when things seem to be fine...all i takes is a thought and nce again the tears are there. I cannot ask him to do more than he is doing, he has been great in trying to understand. But sometimes it is just that he seems to get frustrated with me asking the same questions and tells me either I am going to be able to move on or I am not. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me, bt is tired of "it" coming up all the time and tired of the same questions over and over. The affair was a year ago, but I have only known for about 4 months for sure. How do I handle it...(continued)

Does his guilt play any part in his attitude to want it to go away? How do I get him to understand that I AM trying. Please anyone that has been there...help! Serious answers only please and NO I do not think he will EVER do it again...its been agonizing for the both of us. And other than my "off" days...things keep getting better every day. How do I get rid of my "bad" days.

BTW....I asked this girl for proof on her pragnancy and she conviently lost the baby and had no proof. She has told me so much more went on than what he will admit to. Who do I believe? I think that is one reason, I have difficulty in getting over it. I dont know who to believe.

Thanks for the supportive answers. I am NOT leaving my marriage. I do believe healing myself is the answer. He has done what he needs to do to get forgiveness. I am just confused sometimes. Other than this mistake...our life together (13 yrs and 2 children) has been wonderful. Do you think the other woman would lie about things just to hurt me? What did I do to her?

We are in church, and did the counseling.

Answer 1

You know, mt husband has never cheated on me. But, my husband is a drug addict. For the first 1-2 years of our relationship he was on tramadol. He hid this from me. He would try to quit and would always go back to the pills. Sometimes these pills would make him mean and nasty. He has said some VERY MEAN things to me. Very hurtful. When I was 8 months pregnant, I recall having a conversation about his ex, and he basically made her out to be a queen and me a whore. Yeah. Well, I didn't know if I could ever get over the mean things he said to me. The way I handled it was this....

First of all you need to bring everything out in the open. Bring up things you want to know about. (Only if you have not already talked about it) Otherwise do not bring anything up.

Second, you need to Pray to God. Ask God to forgive your husband for what he has done. Ask him to give your husband the strength to never do it again. Ask God to help your husband get over the pain he has caused you.

Third, ask God to help you. Ask him to lift the bitterness you have againts your husband. Ask him to help you forgive. Ask God to make you a better woman out of all this, and to help you move on with your life. Ask God to guide you and your husband into a more loving relationship.

I prayed every night for about 2 weeks. Then one day I felt as if this burden had been lifted off my shoulders. MY husband and I have a great relationship now. Sure, I remember the things he said and the things he done. But, it does not hurt any more. They way I look at it now, is my husband is a good guy. Good guys just make mistakes from time to time. IT took me more than a year to figure this out, and to pray. But I am glad I stayed and the outcome is better than I thought it would be. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 2

It's easy for him to get over it and move on because he's the one who had the affair. You on the other hand, were on the receiving end. You were probably sandblasted by the discovery of what he had done. I can only imagine the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. So, now, here's what you need to do. Stop the pity party. Yes, you are extremely hurt. But, girl, get mad!!!!You have every right to be mad. He broke a sacred trust that you and your husband committed to when you both took those vows. And he didn't live up to his expectations. You had your time to be hurt. Now it's time to be mad. Get your backbone back!!! If he says he doesn't want to talk about it, you tell him,"TOO FREAKIN BAD!" "YOU DID THIS TO ME AND OUR MARRIAGE AND YOU WILL TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT!" If he doesn't comply, then kindly help him pack his bags and show him the way out. Tell him not to let the door hit him in the A@#! Stop letting him control this situation. The ball is in your park now. And let me tell you. Once a cheat, always a cheat. I know. Been there done that. They DO NOT change. And even if he tries to make it work, you will always have this mistrust of him in the back of your mind. What kind of marriage will that be? It would suck. So good luck, and take action. You deserve better.

Answer 3

I have always said any woman or man that can forgive their spouse for cheating is a H*** of a person b/c I know I can't do for the simple fact of what you are stating right now. I'm going to be honest with you, if it was my husband, I wouldn't be able to forgive and that is just ME. I know that I will think about it constantly just like you right now, I don't even believe I would want him to touch me knowing that he allowed another woman to touch him and he slept with her. It is good that your husband is willing to repair the relationship but it will take time for you to adjust. I'm sure your husband is frustrated with you askin the same questions over and over again but I'm sure you are more in shock than anything. You know how something shockin happens and you have to keep askin over and over again to make sure it is true? I would do the same. From what you just mention, I believe you and your husband need to sit down and get it all out. What I mean by that is, just scream if you have to, cry, or whatever. Talk about EVERYTHING!!! And make it a promise after that, you will never bring it up again. I feel like you really haven't gotten it all out of system. I'm not going to say seek counseling b/c the both of you are mature adults that can handle the situation on your own. Basically the only thing you are going to do with a counselor is talk so why spend money to someone to talk about your problems, when you can do it amongest yourselves. I know you are still hurting but seriously try what I said, if you have children together, try to find a babysitter on that particular day. You and your husband sit down and just air the dirty laundry but you have to promise never to bring the past up again. Let the past be the past if you are willing to put your marriage back together. Best wishes to ya!!!!!!

Answer 4

If you really want to get over it, don't talk to him about it again. You will only push him away. When you are having a "bad" day try writing it down or call a friend or better yet call yourself. I know that sounds dumb but if you call yourself and hear how pathetic and annoying you sound then you probably won't tell him how you are feeling. Maybe if you let it go for a while he will get the chance to open up to you. Not that I think you should just get over it but it sounds like that's what YOU want. I wonder how old you are and how long you have been married because all of that could make a difference. Most people (not just men) will cheat again. He probably won't with her since she has proved such a pain in the butt, which is good for you. People want escape. If you really want to work it out, don't push him away again. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

Trust is a the basis for a good realtionship.. and he broke that trust and you have to decide IF he can ever get it back, some people cannot trust someone who has done this to him...

If he doesn't know what he has, then he doesn't deserve you... He obviously thought it was ok to have sex with someone other than you - so him telling you to 'get over it' is pretty pathetic .. you don't just get 'over it' something like this..

I would decide if you really want to stay with this person and if so, counceling for sure...

Personally, any husband who is willing to have sex with someone else while they are on the road is not worth being married to ...

But I am not you and do not know the whole story.... Don't let him make you feel guilty for 'not getting over it' - you are not the one that had an affiar and cheated - he is .. so he need to DEAL with the fact that it is going to take you awhile and this could end your marriage....

Answer 6

If you truly have forgiven him and want to make it work, you do have to move on and put it in the past or there is no future for you two.

His guilt plays a part of it, but if you are constantly bringing it up it shows that you haven't forgiven him and it makes him feel like the bad guy (agreed, he was for what he did), but if you have both resolved to put it in the past, that is where it needs to stay. To keep bringing it up just tells him you do not really trust him now.

The problem is, you may not be able to get past such a betrayal of trust...it is the cornerstone of any marriage and he did betray that trust and that is why you keep obsessing over what he did or didn't do with her.

However, the bottom line is it does not matter if he has chosen to remain with you over her and you truly believe it will not happen again.

You may need to get some short-term counseling to help you sort through your feelings.

Answer 7

The saying is "forgive and forget" but what this situation has brought about is "forgive or forget" To be honest with you, your husband does not want you for forgive him, he wants you to forget it. To forgive him is to make what he did ok, and it never will be with either of you. But forgetting it would make life much easier for the both of you, and you just can't.

In my situation, I just couldn't forgive myself for what I had done and made my already bad marriage...worse. We tried councelling and that didn't work. By the time we hit that point, I was so obsessed with what brought me to the point that I would go outside my marriage, and she was so obsessed with me going outside our marriage, that we just couldn't find any common ground.

He was a coward and a liar for doing what he did. Everyone insists that if you have an affair, you need to tell your spouse about it immediately if you want to reconcile. Telling your spouse about it is even more selfish than having the affair at all. There is no reason for it, and is an internal issue for the cheater. The only thing telling your spouse does is destroy their confidence and trust in you. If you can forget about it and move on...then just do it.

I am sorry for your pain. I hope the best for you. But to move on with this man...forgetting is your only salvation.

Answer 8

You guys need counciling.

What happens next time he has to go out of town? Will you trust him?

It's ok to ask him questions about the affair. But you should only ask him once. The answer is going to hurt and it's not going to change.

Your husband had an affair. It is now a part of your relationship whether he likes it or not. HE did this, not you. He needs to be more than understanding, he needs to be patient and give you time to heal. Betrayal like this takes a while.

Don't let him make this about you. But please concider counciling for both of you.

Answer 9

Ok...I've been thru this and my husband did the same thing. We even went to counseling and she told him it could take years for me to get over what he had done. He was not a happy camper. He felt that he had applogized so I needed to get over it because he wasn't going to keep having to explain himself. We are no longer together.....I could never trust him again and his lack of understanding and inability to grasp the concept of hurt & trust and how hard these things are made me hate him. He would contact young chickies from Myspace and have a fit when I would call him on it.......you know, they have a saying 'Once a cheater, always a cheater" and with him, it was true. He had a cheating heart that didn't stop beating after the affair was over. If people are able to make it work after an affair, I guarantee you it is not with a husband who tells his wife to 'get over it'.

Answer 10

I'm going through the same thing and i really hate to say it but they do do it over and over again. i have recently found out my husband has had an affair for the 3rd time.
Its not your fault that you cant get over it. it will be there always in the back of your mind it just gets easier to deal with as time goes on. men are ignorant they don't realize how much it hurts they think it should be forgive and forget situation but its not that simple. you have to deal with so many things and regain your trust in him so if he wants it to go away its not you do what ever helps you cope if thats asking the same questions over and over again then do that. but dont put all your faith in him and let him do it again be on your guard and look for signs cos it will break you more and more each time he does it, its difficult if theirs kids involved. but if u ever wanna chat email me, take care