How should I discuss cleaning and sharing responsibility with my husband without upsetting him? Married for 3y

Question

I by no means want to upset him, but I'm so sick of cleaning up after him, our toddler and our pets day in and day out. Let me explain..He does cook dinner sometimes, and will give our son a bath if I ask him to. But..He doesn't clean up after himself at all, doesn't pick up his dirty clothes, food wrappers, plates or anything, and has left cups in his office until they molded. He doesn't do laundry, and if he does, he only washes his clothes that he needs for the next day. If I have clothes in the washer or dryer when he needs to use them, he'll empty the dryer on our diningroom table, and he'll put a washer full of wet clothes in a basket and leave them there. I recently got over being sick and unable to clean up, and I'm appalled at my house. All the dirty clothes the family had accumulated were strewn all over the laundry room and our bedroom, the sink was full of food-covered dishes (and we have a dishwasher!) and the floors and counters were filthy. He doesn't pick up his own food wrappers or dishes, and has even left things that were dangerous to our child within his reach. How can I talk to him about this without upsetting him. He has a temper and gets really upset when I ask him about these things.
He doesn't like the way I cook, so that's why he cooks sometimes, not really out of the goodness of his heart, LOL. I'm just getting sick of not being able to invite people over because of our house. It's embarassing. I can work non-stop all day and as soon as my husband gets home, it all goes to pot. He sits down at the computer or his Xbox, and gets mad if anyone interferes. He's got his own nasty "nest" around his Xbox too.
I can't just refuse to stop cleaning to prove a point. He'd rather kick trash and dirty clothes out of his way than pick them up, and has no problem living that way (although he does complain that the house is never clean enough)
What should I do?

Someone had asked why I'm afraid to upset him. He does have a bad temper, he yells, curses, gestures wildly, stomps around and occasionally will throw or slam objects around.

Answer 1

if he works and you dont then he should not have to help you do anything. try getting off the computer and actualy cleaning. i have been married to hubby for 7 years and given him three kids. i am a stay at home wife and mom and my home is spotless.

Answer 2

Wow he's got you where he wants you! You're afraid to 'upset' him? Does he make your life miserable when you confront him with things that he doesn't want to acknowledge? You're not a mom of 1 child - you're a mom of 2! He is acting like a child and the only difference is that he is working now, instead of going to school. Other than that - not much else has changed for him.

Write out a list of what you need help from him on. What he doesn't realize is that your job at home is not from 9:00 - 5:00. It is 24 hours. It will change as your child gets older and goes to school, but right now, you need his help. You're not asking him to do all the cleaning. You're simply asking him to take care of his own parts! If that's too much to ask for, you can either try to get him into counseling, but I'm guessing that won't work, since you can't even confront him on issues or for that matter even discuss them.

Life is about choices. You either have to choose to live with him this way or you have to take some measures to make sure that something changes. If he's not willing to see your side at all, you may be better off using your support system to get out of this 'mess' and moving on.

I'm not saying this is easy, but obviously you're miserable. Go for counseling yourself, and see if they can help you come up with a plan to deal with this ...

Answer 3

This guy was babied by his mother and expects you to baby him back. The reason you don't "cook right" is linked to that as well, as his mom probably made him some yummy foods that you can't quite emulate. He is a selfish, selfish man (we all have our moments, but he doesn't even clean up after himself!). Anything you say to upset the status quo will make him angry and upset. So either you rip the band aid off and just go nuts or you shut yourself in and let all your feelings stew and brood until you explode. I say just give him a room to himself that he can destroy all he wants, thats his "zone", but everything outside that "zone" needs to be mutually respected, cleaned, and cared for. If he can't comply with that simple request, than he is an asshole and deserves whatever punishment you deem fit.

Answer 4

Ok, I’m going to assume you are not full of $hit here with your question because is hard to believe.

So, let me do a favor to you by getting some reality check in your face, and please do not get offended, is nothing personal, so just read my answer all the way and act accordingly:

You are a f u c k i n g IDIOT.

Now, lets see. How the hell did you marry a person like your husband? Did you meet him one day and get married the next day or something like that?

But that is the past, same as the fact you said you have been married for 3 years and have allowed him to be like he is. That is the main reason I called you an idiot.

But you still have a chance to change things.

You must stop it right away. Everything. And the way to do it is not by stoping the cleaning, but by preparing yourself for a big fight. You must get in your head it will be a possibility of a big fight between you and him, but it is necessary to be mentally prepared so it doesn’t affect you.

If you love him (and I assume you do because what other explanation do you have to be still with him) and you want the best for you, him, your baby, and the family as a group, you have to take action. You have to sit down with him, alone (no baby around) in a private place, and set things straight.

Don’t get mad, at least not on the first confrontation. Stay calm no matter what he does. But you have to know what you are going to say. I would suggest to ask him to become more organized in general, to help you with the cleaning, and the main thing, clean up after himself.

Some people can just not be organized. And you have to consider that. So if he is one of those, then you need to give him a solution too. And that could be to set a section of the house to be the “disaster zone”. That means, not only him, but anybody in the house can get in there (a room would be better so you can close the door) and just throw anything any where. Is like a “relief” area where you can put stuff that has no place any where else, and also a place where you can be free to leave things around and you know is ok.

It works as a relief not only for the house, but for him and even for you as you can use it to get rid of stress after having to do cleaning or something like that. Trust me, it works. But you have to clear up your mind. You have to accept and agree this room is to be always a disaster and there is no cleaning allowed.

Of course, no food is allowed there, because if you let it be, then you will have a potential decease area in the house when you have a 30 months old meatball over the corner table.

If things go well, and your husband is not an as$hole after all, he should agree and try to help you out. This is the reason why people get married. Not only to have kids, but to have a family, and that means helping each other, protecting each other, understanding each other, etc, etc.

The problem is, that if he doesn’t think you are right, then you have to ask him what he thinks is “right” to do then. Obviously it can not be his way only or your way only. Unless you two come up with an agreement, your matrimony will end in either you being miserable for the rest of your life, or a simple divorce.

You also need to make sure he gets his as$ up from the PC and the Xbox, and start doing things around the house as well. He doesn’t know how to do something? Well, if you can do it, then you can teach him. Nothing wrong with it.

Assign tasks to each of you. And is ok if anybody forgets something, the other can do it. Is not the military, is just a family, but there has to be some control, or you end up with exactly what you have in your hands now.

If he brings home all the money (and better be good money), then instead of asking him to do things, just ask him to keep it clean after himself. And also ask him that if you need some help with anything, you would really appreciate if he can assist you sometimes. Again, if he doesn’t know, you can show him how to, even if is one time, still is good for him to know how to “defend” himself in the house. What happens if you get very sick for more than 24 hours? Who is going to take care of things? Not him right now, that is for sure.

I’m sorry for insulting you, but someone has to slap you in the face to make you open your eyes. I don’t know how good of a husband he is, but for what you described, he is good for nothing right now. Help him, and you will be helping yourself. And he will help you too if he loves you. No doubt about it.

Hopefully you read this whole thing, and it made some sense in you. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong with everything, but at least is a general idea on what you should try to do to fix your family.

Good luck.



PS. I just read your additional comments. If he is abusive physically, then you better put a stop to everything right away.

If talking to him in a civilized manner makes him get physical, then you have no other option but to leave with the baby. And get government protection, as he is dangerous for both you and the kid.

Even he changes his stupidity, or he looses his family. If it takes a doctor to help him, then go ahead. But I doubt he will accept it after what you said.

DON’T STAY IN THE RELATION IF IS DANGEROUS FOR YOU AND THE BABY.

Answer 5

Sadly, there seems 2 be a well-established power equation in ur relationship...tipped against u. And u dont seem 2 b the kind who will stand up for herself easily. Ur cultural and perhaps personal conditioning has made u take this lying down for so long. Anyway, risk his wrath once more,have a talk with him,and if he doesn't see reason, stop cleaning after him. Simple! And. most importantly, turn urself partially blind.

Answer 6

My suggestion is to clean the house from top to bottom. Then make a list of the chores that are necessary to keep it like that.

Then sit down with him and you each pick what you will be responsible for. Your not his mother so you shouldn't have to remind him....he's a man not a child.

If this doesn't work then it's more of a power struggle and you may need some counseling.
***note ...who cares if he's upset.

Answer 7

Let's get some additional information. Why are you afraid to upset him? He has upset you plenty of times. Upset him, why do you care. Is he going to beat you? He sounds like a looser who you don't need in your life.

Anyway, to answer your question, treat him like a child, since he is acting like one. Tell him very calmly, that you will be picking up around the house tomorrow. Anything left laying around will be thrown in the garbage.

Answer 8

The one above me...she is right on!


Hire a maid......if you can not afford one....is;t it worth it...maybe 1 time a week....I do it for other people...I charge $10 an hour.

It only takes 2 hours to clean up it takes me longer if they want me to redo their carpets{clean} and extra stuff.


All you need is a maid. Good girl....she answered perfect.
Do it.
Solve all heartache and MESS.
Don't ask your husband or threaten him either.....just hire a maid ;-)

Answer 9

You just need to discuss it with him. What person wouldnt here what you just explained and disagree with you. Lay it out clearly and unemotionally and see the response you get. If he comes back at you with a refusal to share the load, you may need to seek some professional help.

Answer 10

id tell him im not living in a pig pen if he doesn't stop messing up the house he can pack and leave you will divorce him and raise your kid by yourself that you don't want a messy lasy husband

Answer 11

Seriously, you need a marriage counselor.