How should I discuss cleaning and sharing responsibility with my husband?

Question

I by no means want to upset him, but I'm so sick of cleaning up after him, our toddler and our pets day in and day out. Let me explain..He does cook dinner sometimes, and will give our son a bath if I ask him to. But..He doesn't clean up after himself at all, doesn't pick up his dirty clothes, food wrappers, plates or anything, and has left cups in his office until they molded. He doesn't do laundry, and if he does, he only washes his clothes that he needs for the next day. If I have clothes in the washer or dryer when he needs to use them, he'll empty the dryer on our diningroom table, and he'll put a washer full of wet clothes in a basket and leave them there. I recently got over being sick and unable to clean up, and I'm appalled at my house. All the dirty clothes the family had accumulated were strewn all over the laundry room and our bedroom, the sink was full of food-covered dishes (and we have a dishwasher!) and the floors and counters were filthy. He doesn't pick up his own food wrappers or dishes, and has even left things that were dangerous to our child within his reach. How can I talk to him about this without upsetting him. He has a temper and gets really upset when I ask him about these things.

He doesn't like the way I cook, so that's why he cooks sometimes, not really out of the goodness of his heart, LOL. I'm just getting sick of not being able to invite people over because of our house. It's embarassing. I can work non-stop all day and as soon as my husband gets home, it all goes to pot. He sits down at the computer or his Xbox, and gets mad if anyone interferes. He's got his own nasty "nest" around his Xbox too.
I can't just refuse to stop cleaning to prove a point. He'd rather kick trash and dirty clothes out of his way than pick them up, and has no problem living that way (although he does complain that the house is never clean enough)
What should I do?

I do praise him when he helps out and I don't dare blow up on him about the things he doesn't do because he WILL blow up right back. If he does make me upset over something, I mention it to him quietly or pose it in a way that is as neutral as possible, he still gets defensive and upset.

Answer 1

Sounds like he needs to just grow up!! Maybe make a chore chart and rotate jobs. Explain that it is too much for you. Have the X-box mysteriously break!!! Hmmm divorce?? If he really loves you he'll help.

Answer 2

Well...I have the same problem...I think it may be a male thing (all good husbands, please do not take offence, I know there are plenty good ones, but I think there are more like this example.)

My boyfriend just doesn't seem to see the mess some times. I keep a pretty regular routine to keep the house in shape and try to give him one or two jobs a day that I know he will do.

He is often adamant that he does half the house work, once when I asked him to clean the bathroom his response was that he just did it. I asked when and he said two weeks ago!!! I had to explain to him that the bathroom had been cleaned at least twice since then.

I refuse to do his personal things, but unfortunately that just means it piles up. Our house stays pretty tidy, but the top of his dresser looks like a bomb exploded on it.

His idea of organizing is having little bundles and piles of stuff everywhere, in every room. We have a 500 square foot house, so I am sure you can appreciate we REALLY do not need extra clutter.

Another response of his is that if it bothers me why should he do it....I hate that one and that always ends up in a fight.

His version of cleaning the kitchen is doing the dishes (which takes him about 2 hours...seriously) but nothing is done to address the kitchen counters or the floor or stove top or anything.

Taking his boots and jacket off at the door and strewing them wherever is close is perfectly acceptable to him.


I tried just leaving it...but it drove me crazy after about 3 days, and ended up just making more work for me.

I keep minimal dishes in the house, because he won't wash anything unless there are no clean ones left.

The one thing that did work was that I secretly wrote down everything I did for 2 weeks and everything he did for two weeks, right down to the tiny tasks, like cleaning his hair out of the sink after he shaved, or picking up the glass he left in the living room.

I then presented the lists to him, along with a cleaning schedule that alloted each of us a few tasks each day.

It worked really well for about one month, but now I have to get on him again and it did NOTHING to stop the mess from being created, but at least got him more actively involved in the cleaning up of it.

Answer 3

yes , this is what happens when we spoil them in the begging. You will have to change the rules and stick to what you say. leave the dirty clothes for him to pick up. tell him in a nice way . that you are becoming depressed and think you might have to see your GP. he will ask why you are feeling this way, then you tell him, with all the extra work he gives you it´s getting on top of you and you can´t cope any more.Tell him it might be a better idea if you were to get a cleaner in at least 3 times a week. so this way you can have more time to look after your child ,and not have to go be hide him like a child. Do like I do if it´s not in the laundry basket it wont get washed . I sure you love you husband , but there has to be rules for everybody in the home. so make the rules and stick to them

Answer 4

This sounds like my marriage 15 years ago!! I can really relate.

I'm a behavior analyst, and what I did was first to make sure everything he did that was helpful was worth his while. I'd thank him, do stuff for him, etc. and make sure he knew it was because I appreciated what he'd done to me.

I learned to minimize my outbursts of temper when he didn't do something I wanted him to do or when he made a mess. Then I would wait until a neutral time and mention a time when he had done the thing and tell him how much I appreciated it. (As opposed to- You didn't do X, it is now, Remember last week when you did X? I wanted to let you know how much I appreciated that. Then leave it alone.) I don't want to come across as manipulative but I do want him to know when he does stuff that helps me, and how much I appreciate it.

Basically if you nag or argue he'll feel even less like helping. If you show him how much you appreciate his help, he'll probably feel more like it. Even let him hear you telling other people how wonderful he is about helping and how that makes your family happier. Don't say the stuff when you're feeling frustrated because it won't ring true and it will be apparent.

Oh, also, I find this trick really, really helpful with both my husband and my kids, and even my parents. Every time I have a negative thought about one of them, I don't beat myself up over it, and I don't tell them about it. I just acknowledge it (Yep, I just had a bad thought about X and I'm feeling very frustrated.) But then list in my mind four things I like or love about them. I started doing this when my first son was born and I was trying to overcome some challenges from my own upbringing and not repeat them with my own kids. I would see parents calling their kids "bad" or criticizing them and I determined to learn not to do that. I devised this little practice and I can tell you that I rarely have a negative thought about my kids and they are teenagers. Me treating them positively has a big effect on how they act around me.

It's a demanding time of life when you have small kids and pets, but it does pass and quickly. Best of luck to you and your family.

Answer 5

I think you should consider the possibility that you and he will never come to terms as to what kind of chores need to be done, when, and why before you come to terms with who will do them. If you can't reach a consensus on that, you can just give up on WHO does what when.

I think the best outcome would be he would agree that SOME of the things you think need doing should be done. Once you have that list, you ought to sit down with yourself and determine whether that is a list you can live with. You would then have to adjust to the fact that the rest of the items would be something YOU would have to do without his help. If you can't live with that, you can't live with him.

Assuming that goes smoothly -- and it probably won't, you need to divide up the chores. That won't go smoothly either. If after you conclude negotiations with him and things are still not satisfactory, then you need to decide whether living with him is worth the burden.

Answer 6

Oh Sarah..... GIRL, you and a gazillion other women feel your pain.

When we said 'I do' - it wasn't to give up our lives to only being regarded as a maid, a cook, etc.

A lot of people have given you good advice here, particularly Texas.

But one thing I need to say to you is that YOU NEED TIME FOR YOURSELF. DO NOT LET YOUR OWN SPIRIT DIE in the middle of all this cleaning and picking up.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for having YOUR TIME, to do something you enjoy. Your husband has his computer, X-Box, TV or whatever. What is YOUR escape? Do you have one?

We women lose our spirits in the middle of cleaning and cooking and 'doing it all.' If you have kids and pets, it's compounded, and don't even get me started on the holidays. We women do a lot and it's all on our shoulders. For generations we've been conditioned to believe that it's all our burden/obligation/responsibility. However, no one saw the "Superwoman" complex coming.

Allow yourself time - just for you - a minimum of 20 minutes..... all yours. Whether it's to lock yourself in the bathroom to take a hot bath, read a book, journal, whatever, the time is yours.... from working out to just relaxing with some music you enjoy or whatever - you NEED this as your escape, your reward, your haven, something to take you away from the daily mundane tasks of cleaning and cooking and doing everything yourself.

Rediscovering this piece of yourself, not only brings you sanity, but also alleviates some of the resentment for your husband having his time. You need to RECLAIM YOURS. It's only fair.

Do this for yourself, not just as a favor, but something as necessary for your health and well-being. If you do not do this, you're only going to become stressed, taxed, frustrated, angry, resentful and eventually have an emotional breakdown.

In honor of women everywhere, just like you feel right now... do this, I swear, it's totally helped me. Granted, this doesn't 'solve' the problem immediately of having my husband pick up his dirty socks off the floor or throw away empty cartons when he's done usiing stuff, but it gives me something that's immediate in result that I have done for myself, regaining a bit of my breath and knowing I am not here only to live to clean and to cook.

Blessings, sister!

Answer 7

Wow he's have been given you the place he needs you! you're afraid to 'upset' him? Does he make your existence depressing once you confront him with issues that he would not desire to nicely known? you're no longer a mom of a million newborn - you're a mom of two! he's performing like a newborn and the only distinction is that he's working now, quite of going to college. different than that - no longer lots else has replaced for him. Write out a catalogue of what you like help from him on. What he would not comprehend is that your pastime at abode isn't from 9:00 - 5:00. it extremely is 24 hours. it extremely is going to alter as your newborn gets older and is going to college, yet top now, you like his help. you're no longer asking him to do all the cleansing. you're in basic terms asking him to shelter his own aspects! If it extremely is too lots to ask for, you may the two attempt to get him into counseling, yet i'm guessing that may not artwork, on account which you may no longer even confront him on themes or for that rely even communicate them. existence is approximately selections. You the two could pick to stay with him this way or you may take some measures to confirm that something differences. If he's no longer prepared to be certain your section in any respect, you're greater useful off using your help gadget to get out of this 'mess' and shifting on. i'm no longer asserting it extremely is easy, yet of course you're depressing. decide for counseling your self, and notice in the event that they might assist you to return up with a plan to handle this ...

Answer 8

He sounds very selfish and needs to be alone. I would dump everything he leaves lying around, in his office. Let him trip and kick it around. Soon it will be so full he won't be able to play his Xbox... poor baby. Keep it up though, don't give in.

Answer 9

your husband is same me.let me honestly tell you a truth. i dont do housworks because someone does it. if you want your husband helps you you are simply dont do it. untill he complains. then you are in a position that you can offer a contract to him and this time is a best time to share the housworks. pardon that im not fluent in english laun.

Answer 10

Send him to me. I'm happily married. One of the reasons I'm happily married is because I share the cooking, cleaning and household chores with my wife.