mean, drunk roommate... how to deal?

Question

I have a roommate who I've known for years and she has a drinking problem. When she's sober, she's fine. Everytime she gets drunk she says really mean, hurtful, backhanded things to me. She doesn't get mean with everyone. Only a select few (I'm one...lucky me). We used to be close, but I can't tell her personal things because she uses them against me later (mocking me... trying to make me feel bad). She also gets offended that I don't really tell her things anymore. I have 9 more months on the lease and I need to figure out how I can handle this? I can't talk to her about it because she gets defensive and angry and takes it out on me. It will only make my life worse. She is a lost cause. I just need to figure out how to cope with living with her until the lease is up. Any advice?

Answer 1

Just regard her as a roommate. That's all. Stop all intimate conversation. Your conversations from here on out should only consist talk of rent, food, and doing general housework....Turn her into what she is; a roommate. Not a friend. Not even an acquaintance. Just a roommate....After a week of that she may get the general idea.

Answer 2

The best plan if she is that resistant to you helping her is to get out of there as soon as possible. Talk with the landlord and try to get your name off of the lease. I would also recommend that you either lock your room when you aren't there or moving anything valuable to a safe location because once she realizes that you are leaving, there might be a tantrum of some kind. If you can't get out of the lease try to avoid being in the apartment when she's drinking or (and I know how odd this sounds) set up a schedule of some sort so that you can plan when to be out so that she can drink to her heart's content without causing a conflict. It might also help her if there was something to distract her from drinking like volunteer work, a movie night (alchohol-free), or getting her a date. This will hopefully give her something to do and look forward to that will keep her attention off of you until you can move out.

Answer 3

Sorry to hear about it. Do you speak to her family/friends?

It may be time to sit her down for a sort of Intervention. Just for those people that she cares about that have hurt her.

...if that leaves just YOU, then sit her down and tell her. Tell her you love her as a friend, but you feel that you can't trust her or tell her things in confidence b/c of her actions when she is drunk. Tell her that you think she needs help and at the VERY least she needs to speak to someone.

More than likely, she'll get defensive.

If nothing changes, at least you've told her how you feel and your conscience is clear. Stear clear from her and maybe she'll clue in then that her actions are ruining a friendship.

If nothing changes, post a notice to see if anyone is willing to take over the majority of your lease. Talk to the landlord first to see if its possible.

Make sure your roommate knows and maybe this will change her ways. If not, lock up your stuff and keep your head down and yourself busy outside the place for 9 more months.

Answer 4

Alcoholics need enablers and they use people, like you, who they can try to make feel bad, so that they feel they have a sense of power over you (which they don't). As long as you're there and she can use this manipulation, she's going to do everything she can to make sure you don't leave her high and dry. Her behavior toward you is a desperate move to keep you feeling off balance. It's not your fault that she is that way, and you don't need to 'own' her disease, however, as long as you are in the situation, alcohol is controlling your life as well.

If it gets too bad, you may have to take drastic measures to get away from her as soon as possible, but if you think you can handle 9 months more of it and not 'lose yourself', you could try 'steering' her in the direction of AA and going to al-anon meetings yourself. If she refuses to see that she has a problem, then you just continue to take care of yourself and ride out the 9 months. Al-anon will just help you to maintain your balance in a very unbalanced, unhealthy situation.

While I realize that she has been your friend and that you do care, it comes to the point where your caring isn't enough and she is the one who needs to take control of her own life!

Answer 5

Sounds like my psyco sister-in-law who I lived with for awhile. I had 1 week left to go and ended up in a hotel room becuase she is a mean drunk who only knows how to spew nasty mean things when she is drunk. She is not a friend because she is not the same person. Alcohol has taken over her life and she is now a useless DRUNK! My advice is get out! Good Luck! Her name isnt Brenda I hope?

Answer 6

Is she on the lease? If not, throw her out. In fact, throw her out anyway, but get someone to take over her part of the lease.

If she's mean and abusive, you can call the cops on her and get an order of protection.

Answer 7

Start by looking for apartment you can afford and move out on the lease is up, or start looking for new roommates.

You don't need this in your life to cut your friendship with here and move on, life to short to be treated this way.

Good luck

Answer 8

wow...sorry to hear that...i was kind of going through the same situation, but i own the home...i kicked the roommate out...i told him that he was very mean when he drinks especially to me and i don't need him there and he can quit coming over after the bar closes knocking on my windows and doors for me to open the door....i had to tell him that i was having someone move in to have him stop his insane ways!

good luck with your situation and hope that it will be solved soon...maybe your roommate should try AA (alcoholics anonymous) or you should try Alanon.....

best of luck!

Answer 9

she needs help,tell her when shes sober that u need to have a talk,,tell her what she does to ur friendship when she drinks is hurting you..if she dosent stop u miote have to move or get a new roomate..tell her ur relationship means alot but u cant handle her drinking..gl

Answer 10

Video or record her in her moment and play it back to her when she is sober,the shame should get her attention. The way she speaks to you and others is coming from inner hurt and she needs to get help.