My husband and I have been separated for almost 3 years?

Question

First off, we became separated because i had an emotional affair w/another man. The affair ended, and I have apologized so many times. We've tried counseling several times but it just didn't work. Over the past 3 months, my husb and i have been getting along alittle better and I thought there may be some hope for us. He claims i still am the love of his life, but he can't move past the things i said and did w/the other person. He's done and said ALOT of bad things to me over the past 2 1/2 years and i have forgiven him, but i still need to take things slowly. I have asked for his forgiveness but he doesnt believe the things i say to him. He has decided to pack up and move away. He told me (which he hangs over my head), once he moves away he plans to cut off commuication w/me AND OUR KIDS completely. he's changing his phone and email and will not give it to me. am i just getting what i deserve? I'm afraid for my kids & i feel like such a failure. how can i ever prove myself to him?

Answer 1

Betrayal of any kind does so much damage to a foundation of a relationship that people get surprised at how once betrayal takes place at how quickly the relationship can crumble. Your husband is finding it hard to come to terms with how you had betrayed him, and he may not ever recover. People do not realise just how much damage cheating does to a relationship. His way of cutting off all communication with you and the kids, is a way of punishing you. Sad, that he includes his kids in this. He is also in the process of pulling away from the marriage, and by not communicating with you it makes this process a lot more easier to do. Try to convince him into attending marriage counselling and see if he agrees. He just might have already decided to move on and if this is so, I am afraid there is nothing more you can do. Next time, consider what cheating does before you attempt to do it. I really can see how sorry you are and how willing you are to be forgiven, but as I have said, sometimes the damage is irreversible. Best of luck to you!

Answer 2

If the "affair" you had was just emotional and not physical then I am on your side. Why did you have an emotional affair? Sad to tell you, but your marriage is over and you should go ahead and start divorce proceedings before he deserts you and your kids completely. BTW I think this is just another mental game by threatening to cut you and the kids off. The courts can and will track him down and get support out of him. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Would YOU be getting what you deserve? Maybe (although frankly what I consider an emotional affair and what others consider it to be are often very different). Would the KIDS be getting what they deserve? Absolutely not.

If he ‘disappears’ then in order to get child support (and the KIDS deserve that) you’d have to track his b*tt down. It can be done, but it can be time-consuming and costly, and in meantime the kids aren’t receiving support.

If you’ve been separated 3 years and he can’t move past this (and I’m not saying that’s his fault because HE wasn’t the one who had an affair), then you need to accept the fact that the marriage is over. See an attorney TODAY and file for temporary custody and a temporary order of child support (I’m assuming you don’t have either of those things since you didn’t mention them).

Answer 4

Well all I can say is that he is a sorry butt man to cut off all contact with his children. To me this means that he is moving own, and will not tell anyone he meets, dates that he has been married b4 and that he has children. Well you can believe this.....his children will have absoutly no use for him EVER.

Now in my opinion, and emotional affair is much worse than a physical one....because you tell everything of you own marriage. And these affairs are easier to have than physical one....because you don't need a hotel room. There are talking, texing, emails, Im's, etc. You were wrong to have done this to your husband. saying bad things to one another is one thing to forgive.....but an affair of the heart is another. It is much deeper than spewing words. The heart does not talk to you you cannot see waht it is feeling, and you have not clue as to whether or not it is being honest.....Apparently, you have hurt your husband deeply, and of course you can forgive him for spewing words....they are just words....but it is virtually impossible to forgive, when your huband loves you and trusted you as much as you said he did.....and you did what you did to him.....turn the situation around.....how would you feel had you loved him half as much as he love you....and you found that he was having an affair of the heart, with emotions all tied up in her, and her in him.....how would you feel ...knowing that they talked about you...and what you did and did not do in bed....going out...and so fourth. do you really want some woman preceiveing lazy, sloppy, no good in bed wife. Do you wnat some other woman...knowing all about your sex life, you life when you get home from work.....this is what you husband is dealing with....you have made him feel as though he is a failure.....he cannot trust you any more.....you hurt him so bad.....that he cannot trust.....and it is because of this that he cannot forgive you.....Try walking in his shoes for a while, walking around with your head hung down in shame....because somewhere out there some man knows a great deal about him.

But if he cuts off all contact with the children so be it.....it is his loss.....and kids don't forget.....but unfortunantly......they will feel the pain that he feels.....he does not realize that he will be hurting them in that way.......but he is going to make the children feel like it is because of them.......becuase he wants no more to do with them and is cutting off all contact with them.....the kids even if they are teens......will blame themselves.....but they will know the hurt that your husband feels inside....and you will see it.....I know some of this was a little harsh....but I have been on your husbands end of an emotional affair......there is more involved when you bring emotions into play....because it is not physical....they are real feelings.....and it is a real affair.....I do wish you the best of luck, along with your children.....they are the ones who have to pay ....for what you did.....and your husbands choices now.

Answer 5

after 3 years and no forgiveness, it is probably that he has found someone else. why should u have to suffer for this one mistake, i would divorce him and let him go do whatever he chooses. he is not willing to let it go, some men are like that. he is probably moving away with another woman, and is telling u ahead of time that it is really over with so u won't keep trying to reconcile. unfortunately there is nothing u can do to prove anything to a man who chooses not to forgive u, just accept it, and learn from it, but face it, hard as it is, and move on in life.before he disappears i would get a support order for the kids, and get your child support order, if the kids are still under age. he is with someone else and just wants to disappear and doesn't want to give u his number because of the other woman.

Answer 6

Sounds to me that the relationship was over years ago when the affair took place. I would recommend counseling for yourself to try and move on to the next chapter of your life. As for the kids, they are resiliant. They will heal. But by him saying he will cut off communication with the kids, to get back at you, he is only hurting the kids and he will be the one to miss out.

Just move on, you both have said and done things that have hurt each other. Time heals the wounds and there will be life after you both part ways.

Answer 7

The most important thing in your situation is your kids. The history that you and your husband had is done, you can't unring that bell. Your emotional affair obviously broke his heart beyond repair, but that is NO reason whatsoever to remove himself from his children's lives.

You need to focus on your kids now. The marriage seems to be over and now it is time to move on, for your sake and the kids. Your husband is angry and hurt, but he should not take it out on them. As far as getting what you deserve, perhaps you are by the break up of your marriage. There are consequences that must be faced.

You don't need to prove yourself to him, especially since he is threatening to remove himself completely from his own kids' lives. He needs to realize that the kids need him, no matter what the situation is with you two.

It is time to let go, move on and be strong for your kids.

Answer 8

Your hubby isn't a nice man if he's going to cut off communication with your kids. That's a very stupid thing for him to say. If he doesn't want to talk with you, okay, but not the kids. I think he's just saying that to get you upset. I think you should call his bluff and say fine. Let him go, obviously he doesn't want to forgive you and you're continuing to beat yourself up isn't good on you or your kids. Go ahead with the divorce, he'll still have to pay support for the kids and if he's any kind of a man he'll stay in contact with your kids.

Answer 9

Infidelity is very difficult to accept, and hardly ever forgiveable. It erodes the best of relationships. However, the children had nothing to do with it. He's a fool, and probably wants no responsibility. Stop trying to convince him otherwise. Do what you should have done 3 years ago. Hire a good divorce attny, to ensure he provides financial support for your children.

Answer 10

When someone cheats on another, they don't have any idea of how their partner is going to feel once the affair is found out about. Had you been the one to have been cheated on instead of doing the cheating, you might understand his feelings. I don't blame him for wanting to cut off ties with you. He'll never be able to trust you again. But I think it's wrong to cut off ties to his own kids.