I've just learned I'm pregnant but the father...?

Question

Very bad situation and I don't know what to do. I do not think he is going to marry me. In the past, he has said he doesn't want another child.

I have never considered abortion. I've always felt it is wrong. But now... I find myself wondering about it, and it scares me.

I love this man with all of my heart, despite his flaws and current connections to a past relationship (she lives over 1,000 miles away, and has their adoptive daughter.) He keeps saying he does not want another child... He does have a biological child from years ago, and he was conceived out of wedlock. He married the mother... they divorced after a couple of years.

So basically he is saying he can't take care of the child he has now, and does not want another one.

Why did he choose to marry the other woman, but not me? Why did he choose to adopt a child, but not accept mine?

I'm lost and hurt and scared. I just don't know what to do. : (

Answer 1

I'm very sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I am going to be blunt, but it is out of genuine concern for both you and your child. I understand that you love this man, but he is not behaving in a loving manner towards you right now. If he really cared about you in the way he should, he would not ask you to put yourself at risk and kill your child. Please do not allow him to manipulate you. He is a grown man and no doubt understood when he chose to have sex with you that a baby could result. You do not need to feel sorry for him. Your baby is the one whose life is at stake right now. You need to be like a momma bear and protect her at all costs.

You KNOW the right thing to do. Hold onto that. Your baby is depending on you to protect her. She cannot protect herself right now. No man--let me say that again--NO man is worth the life of your child. Sometimes boyfriends come and go, unfortunately, but your baby is your baby forever. What if you abort your baby for him, and he leaves anyway?

I don't know why your boyfriend married the first woman, and does not seem to be planning to marry you. Maybe he had a stronger sense of right and wrong at the time. You need to realize that you CANNOT control or change his attitude. All you can do is control your own actions, and you need to be strong, do the right thing, and protect your baby and yourself. Maybe he will come around. Maybe he won't. Either way, you will find out what kind of man he really is, and you will have peace knowing YOU did the right thing.

If you need help, please go to a crisis pregnancy center. They can talk with you about all your concerns and needs and help you find solutions. You can find one in your area by calling 1-800-395-HELP or visiting http://www.optionline.org/advantage.asp

Please take good care of yourself and your baby. You can do the right thing.

Answer 2

I had similar thoughts when I became pregnant with my second child. I don't believe in abortion either but I found myself wondering about what I was going to do. I think it's normal to feel unsure or scared given your situation. The only advice I can give you is this....
Don't make your decision based on his reaction! If he did not want to have anymore children maybe he should have been a little more careful in the way of birth control. You need to realize that you may be raising this child on your own. Even though you are pregnant with his child you can't expect him to marry you. I've been in your shoes and if you are strong enough and have a good support system you will be fine.

Answer 3

There is no law saying he has to marry you. Back in my grandparents day it was a must. It was very shameful if they didn't. It might be the best situation if you were married but not always. i am sure he would be gun shy since the last marriage failed.

If he is not seeing or paying for his other child I wouldn't depend on the fact that he will give you support or be their for this child either. You can raise a baby on your own.

I'm A divorced mom of 2 and pregnant again, He pays nothing for the kids doesn't even come see them, I have to work extra hard but we do very well. Just tell him and see what happens just dont expect alot so that you wont be crushed. Dont let him force you into an abortion , it might be something you will regret forever depending on how you feel about it.

Answer 4

Do Not end the pregnancy because of his feelings. You will regret it and hate yourself and him for it. You need to do what you feel in your heart. He says he's not ready, and that's too bad, but ending the pregnancy may still very well end your relationship. If you want this baby even a little bit, have it. There are no guarantees as far as he goes. he's seems a bit immature, but you need to do what is best for you, not him.
Maybe once the baby is here, he will come around, but then again maybe he won't. He sounds pretty self absorbed. You may love him, but his past as far as relationships should tell you something about him. Getting married because of a baby isn't the "right" thing to do. You should get married because you love the other person and want to spend the rest of your life with them. If you get married out of obligation, it usually doesn't last. You just go into it feeling trapped and trying to find a way out of it. Just take it day by day.

Don't take all the responsibility for your pregnancy, last time I checked it took 2 people to create a baby. Whether he likes it or not, it is his child and he is obligated to help support it, no matter what happens in the relationship.

Answer 5

I'm really sorry to hear that. I have had an abortion and I will tell you this. Think it over long and hard don't make any quick decisions. And have you asked yourself if you want the baby? If the answer is yes don't get an abortion. The father will come around. And if not that's ok, this experience will only make you a stronger person.

Answer 6

First of all, you cannot compare yourself to his other circumstances in life. This is his child in your womb he helped create it and he has to stand up and be a man and take control of his responsibilities. You don't need to be married to have a child, as long as the child is loved that is all that you need. Please do not let his attitude towards this change in life make you change your mind about an abortion, you are the one that will have to live with that decision for the rest of your life. You are a woman, strong and independent. Pick your head up, take care of yourself and show him that you love this baby and you are going to take care of it whether he is there with you or not. Hopefully he will come around. Hope this helps, best of luck.

Answer 7

Not all men, but some men can be such @$$holes! I just recently learned I was pregnant from my ex boyfriend, he now has a new gf, I told him and you want to know what he said, 'oh well, it's your problem now, I have my own life and this is your fault, I doubt I am the father anyway'. So I said screw him, if he is going to be this way then I don't want my baby to know such a horrible person. So don't worry, be strong, as far as I'm concerned as long as a child as one decent parent everything will be fine. You aren't he only person in a bad situation.

Answer 8

Why did you become pregnant by a man whom you already knew did not want another child and who told you as much? To be honest, you are the cause of your current predicament. You're lost, hurt and scared and frankly, it's mostly your own doing. He was honest with you and told you he didn't want another child, and yet you went ahead and became pregnant by him. This is not his fault. It's yours, and now you will have to either get that abortion, or suffer the consequences. Either way it is your suffering and of course, it could have been prevented had you taken steps NOT to get pregnant. My guess is that you wanted to entrap this guy, thinking that if you became pregnant he would do an "about face" and decide to marry you since there was a baby on the way. You say you love this man. Apparently that is your misfortune because it is apparent he does not love you. Sorry, but basically you got yourself into this one.

Answer 9

first of all you should take a step back and consult someone who can help - i.e. a friend you can trust or maybe even professional help. It seems you have yourself in a pretty sticky situation, but above all remember this, LOOK AFTER NUMBER 1! That means if he decides to run off again you wont be dumped with the baby all by yourself, and 20 yrs down the line have to tell the kid, "your pops done a runner with sum tart".I suggest you talk to him about the child too. I would seriously ask you to consider abortion tho, cause it seems neither you or him are ready to bring a child in to this world.

all the best.

Answer 10

Either way, a baby is a wonderful thing! If he's a jerk, which he sounds like he is, then you don't want him to marry you. Raise this child on your own...you can do it! Also, get child support from him and since he's 1000 miles away, he won't do visits THAT often...so either way he'll have to pay for the baby.