For the past 14 months I have done nothing but think about my situation with my husband and its tearing me apart. When I caught him cheating after 19 years of marriage, he said it was not what I thought, didn't mean a thing etc., but he was planning to leave the marriage anyway as he was not the marrying kind, that he wanted to take risks in life, that he had never done something just for himself and had always had to compromise. He left the house and now lives in an apartment, and I really believe that the other woman is no longer in his life. He still comes back to our house for 3 or 4 days of the week and stays over and our life continues as if we were married, but when I mention about him coming back or why he stays away he wont answer any of my questions.
I am thinking that perhaps he used me from the start, for financial reasons, but would a man use someone for 19 years? He is 42 and I am 54 and we have a daughter of 17. Why does he still come back if he wants freedom?
2007-02-28 01:10:45 · 18 answers · asked by Nancy S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You must give good head.
2007-02-28 01:14:29 · answer #1 · answered by dcam47 2 · 0⤊ 5⤋
Not the marrying kind? After 19 years he decides this?? I think not!!! The man has been a cheat!! Didn't mean a thing my a**!! It sounds to me like he has decided that he missed out on too much when he was a younger man, and now want s to try and reclaim some of his lost youth. Good luck with that pops!! And yes, it sounds,like he used you too, for the last 19 years. Obviously it is possible, you hubby is a good example of that possibility! He wants some freedoms, but at the same time needs to have some stability in his life (that would be you and all that you give him when he is at home). I sure hope that when he is with you at home that you are now making him wear a condom!! You have no idea where he has been sticking his member, or what he may have come into contact with! I strongly suggest that you just stop seeing him all together (yes, I know it will be very hard-especially after that many years together) and move on with your life!! Your daughter will understand your decision-she isn't as unaware as you may think she is at this point. Good luck!
2007-02-28 01:24:01 · answer #2 · answered by dragondave187 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In answering your questions; No, I do not feel he has used you for 19 years, but I do feel you have allowed him to use you now that he has moved into his own apartment. There are times when a married person gets bored, starts to think that maybe there is something else out there they had missed. All in all, thoughts like this are more common in most of us after a few years of marriage. Most of us when given the option of leaving or staying do not take action on the will to leave for fear of losing the marriage. What incentive would your husband have to come back to the marriage if he already is receiving all the benefits without the commitment? He has his own apartment, gets to live and act as a carefree, single man. Then when ever he misses what he got from the marriage (which is usually the companionship and the sex) he is allowed to come back into the marriage for 3 to 4 days out of the week until he gets his fill and is ready to wonder again. Don't you see what you are doing? You are enalbling him to use you! You must stand your ground and remind him of his choice to move out. Let him know that you are accepting his choice to leave the marriage but he is no longer allowed to spend some nights with you. He has grown to disrespect you and think of you as a pushover. Remember one thing, no one can use you unless you allow them to use you. So let him know, it is either the marriage or nothing. And mean what you say, remember he has come to not take your feelings seriously and therefore as disregarded you as such. Hope you at least try to listen to the advice I have given to you. It is so frustrating of how some women allow men to mistreat them and they are blind to it. Sad thing is to have sight and still not be able to see. Best of luck to you!
2007-02-28 01:27:23 · answer #3 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not the marrying kind?!!? He says this after 19 yrs?!?!
Balls on this guy!
Change the locks. He had the affair, he read the paper, searched for and found an apartment to live in. In his head, he is already gone. Who's to say that his affairs didn't last 19 years? (Not the marrying kind, I LOVE it!!!)
Get him out of there. His reasons are excuses; he states he's never done anything for himself...except have an affair. He states he always had to compromise, but he stays at your home...probably b/c he gets a home cooked meal and the sheets changed every once in a while.
He is a father of a 17 yr old daughter; if he didn't want to have to make do or compromise and do things for others, then he shouldn't have had CHILDREN.
He's a child and he needs to stop being so selfish.
Get rid...but get the child support.
2007-02-28 01:26:51 · answer #4 · answered by Slimslimmer 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free? He didn't know he wasn't the marrying kind BEFORE he married you??? What was he doing that he didn't take these risks and do things for himself before he took that stroll down the aisle? I wasn't there but I'm quite sure you didn't hold a gun on him and threaten his life if he didn't marry you
So 19 years and one daughter later he finally comes out of his coma and realizes life is passing him by and he wants to get a taste of it? Well you know what? If it were me, the next time he came by wanting to "play house" I'd meet him at the door and I'd tell him, "You used to live here but YOU left because you wanted to take risks and do things for yourself. I was your wife but you didn't want US to take risks together and you didn't want to do things for US. So now you're free to risk and do to your heart's content. What are you doing back here? This is not a hotel where you check in when you get tired of taking risks and check out when you've regained enough strength to do things. You wanted your freedom, you got it. DON'T COME BACK!"
With that I would close the door and leave him standing with his risks and his freedom. Stop letting him come back. File the papers and find someone who wants to stay and take risks and do things with you and your beautiful daughter. You both deserve that much. Good luck to you.
2007-02-28 02:32:14 · answer #5 · answered by Arleen J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he wants his freedom and his family too. the only reason he is still gone and not back because he is seeing someone else, likes his freedom to come and go as he pleases, as if nothing is wrong. could be that if there were a divorce he would loose big time financially. could be he is waiting on the daughter to come of age, and than he will not have to pay the child support. maybe he just hasn't found that special one yet, but when he does he will probably be out of your life for good.
2007-02-28 01:38:42 · answer #6 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He wants his cake and he wants to eat it to.
19 years is a long time to be in a relationship just to use them. I think he loved you and still does but I think he might want to have some freedom and he is afraid to let go of his security with you or maybe he is having a mid life crisis. It is hard to say since I don't know you but I would treat him like a stranger in my home when he was there and not act like you are married to him and see if it changes anything. It might spice things back up between you two.
2007-02-28 01:18:30 · answer #7 · answered by harleychickfatboy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh, this is just so very sad. It sounds like he wants the best of both worlds, and I would tell him to either come back, or stay away, not two-way street. I doubt that he used you for 19 years. That doesn't sound possible. I'm sure he is going through his mid-life crises, and sometimes they never come back. But honestly, wouldn't you rather know for sure, RIGHT NOW, then go through this for the next several months.
2007-02-28 02:13:58 · answer #8 · answered by bina64davis 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok...i will try to keep this simple. your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. he wants to have a relationship with you and maintain his sexual freedom. do you want to share your husband? cause he is doing what he wants to do while you sit there waitng for him to come home. he already has moved out. you two just need to file for the divorce so you can move on with your own lives cause a situation like this is not heatlhy for anyone in a marriage. he wants his freedom but you want a marriage. you both want different things and are not getting them from each other. he has already cheated which means that he has been cheating or will cheat again. move on with your life already.
2007-02-28 01:33:01 · answer #9 · answered by cfalways 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He sounds very confused.You need to take control of the situation,by not letting him come in and out at his convenience.Even though he in not with you it sounds as if he is still recking your head.IWhy put your self through this.He has moved on but he is not allowing you to by being evasive to your questions.Press the pause button for a week and see what the outcome is.He has made his decisions you need time to make yours.Good Luck
2007-02-28 01:26:33 · answer #10 · answered by RAINBOW 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am afraid, in these situations, actions speak much louder than words, and the actions say... he has another apartment for a reason. And the reason isn't because he's hoping you'll be staying over.
Sorry to hear this. Women do this kind of thing too,
2007-02-28 01:16:13 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋