Was the first year of marriage tough (with kids already)?

Question

Did you argue a lot over blending the family? Did you have a hard time putting your spouses kids over yours? Did you fight over baggage over previous relationships? Did you almost give up? It's tough when both are on their second marriage with baggage and kids. Our first year has been very rough. I believe my wife is under the impression sometimes that it was easier being single and that makes me feel like dirt like I'm not worth it. Of course it was for me to but she seems to be cooling off sometimes with our marriage. I keep telling her that it's tough and what did she expect. I'm willing to work through issues but feel she liked being single. How can I get her to realize that finding love is not that easy and let's stick it out? I feel like she's going down a road that she'll regret later even though she thinks marriage is too tough. She's already backed out of 2 other engagements before marrying me.

Answer 1

wow.. if i didnt know better i would of thought u were writing about my life the first year of my marriage.. everything, is oddly de ja vu.. down to the "run away bride part" ..

NOW TIME FOR A BOOK CAUSE THATS WHAT IT TAKES FOR THIS SITUATION..

Look.. yes our first year of marriage was extremelyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hard.. we knew it was going to be, but neverrrrrrrrr did we imagine it would be this difficult..
I have custody of my 3 kids.. he is a non custodial parent of 2 children, but has liberal visitations, and he is extremely active in their life..and has the children more then most men do who only get their children on their "scheduled" time and thats it.. My x lives out of state, and we've been divorced for almost 10 years now.. so we basically leave each other alone other then the typical..need to discuss things about the kids, and even that doesnt happen very often.. On the other hand.. he has a psychotic x wife.. that lives 20 minutes away.. that was use to treating him like a doormat and he was use to giving into everything with her, because it just made life easier for him not to have to argue with her.. which was fine and dandy when he was single cause that only affected him..

But now with a Blended family things have to change..

I fortunately had WONDERFUL role models as i too come from a blended family and i appreciate my step mother more now then ever before and i loved her already but now i at times wonder how she didnt pull out all her hair from pure frustration..

But this is the deal.. straight up..

1. You and your wife need to come first in every day trivial situations, if your spouse was the biological parent of these children, u would more then likely take ur spouses side over the childs side a majority of the time.. and u wouldnt worry about their "emotional state".. u'd have a.. Tuff ur mother said no, so the answer is no.. type additude..and let them go pout.. same same.. and of course everyone knows.. that if u were in a boat and ur spouse is drowning on one side, and ur kids are drowning on the other of course ur going to save ur kids.. because in life and death situations, your kids WILL come first.

2. You and ur wife should ALWAYS be a united front.. to everyone, including the kids.. if kids see one ounce of division they will use it , till they can divide and conquer and so will ex's, and so will people on the outside world.. u should always command respect for your spouse from everyone and anyone.. Your spouse should always be your silent partner, and should be present for most dealings with the ex's to show that united front, and what i mean by silent partner, is they should stand by ur side silently and let the spouse who is dealing with their x do most if not all the talking..but their present should be known at all capable times.. the decisions should be made between the two of u, behind closed doors and then the spouse dealing with their x should basically be the spokes person..but saying what was already agreed between the two of u, if its a question brought up at that moment , u simply say, "we'll discuss it later and get back to u" only make a decision with out consulting if 1. it is emergent and needs an asnwer right away, or 2. its an answer that wont affect your household.
And the ex will probably at first bulk..and say why does the others input need to be discussed in this.. and u simply say, "because its the same common curteousy all spouses give to each other" the same u would of given to them when u use to be together, but ur not together any longer, u have a new spouse, and u do need to discuss all concerning issues with them.

When i was a kid, i use to think my dad who had custody of me.. would choose my step mom over me if it came down to it.. because he always put her on a pedestal.. and if she said something then that was the way it was..and he would say, "if shes not welcome somewhere then neither am i".. or "if u dont want her to know something dont tell me because we keep no secrets" .. or just plain and simple always seemed to take her side...but i realized its not that he didnt love me as much as her, it was the fact that he had to be a husband not just a father, and he trusted her as a mother to us kids to do what was right.. and he had to show her the respect she deserved as our "mother" in that house hold and as his "wife".. im 33 years old.. and i can tell u, he did the right thing..and i wasnt damaged by it, if anything he taught me how to stand by my spouse, and how to handle a marriage..and i know now as a parent, myself, if i was the one drowning, on one side and her on the other, he would of saved me in a heart beat.. because i have zero doubt my father loves, me he is a WONDERFUL FATHER..the best anyone could ask for... but u cant let ur kids know that they can play on ur emotions or they will use it to get their way..so with out it being said, i know what my father would of done. So stop thinking ur children are so fragile.. their not.. they can handle alot more then u think..

3.You and ur wife, need to make a United Family.. the only way this marriage is going to work with a blended family is to unite everyone as a family whether they like it or not.. which means, u make up house rules.. rules that are for all children.. not just ur's or hers.. they are house rules and whether u live there or not, u know the rules and will be disciplined accordingly for breaking those rules.. it has to be all or nothing.. u cant have one set for one child, and one set for another.. it has to be even acrossed the board.. and u and ur wife need to sit down and compromise over the rules, and over the punishments that come with those rules.. and there are things that cant be exactly even, especially if there are two households involved meaning like me 3 live with us and 2 are only here several days a month.. (two weeks a month) but u do it as fairly as possible...with out showing favoritism.. sucks because if ur the parent that only see's ur child here and there during the month, untill they want to go by your house rules u may feel like ur constantly having to punish them, but if u make house rules, and u have them posted on your refrigerator, have a family meeting discussing the house rules..and they decide to go against the rules.. then they are the ones..that brought it on , not you, and after a few times they will get with the program, but if u playcate to the fact that u dont see them much, then they will never be a part of your family they will always feel like outsiders coming in, and thats not a united family.. TRY to stay away from referring to the kids as His, Hers, mine..ect.. do ur best although its hard, to always referr to them as OURS.. ur a family now, one complete unit theres no division anymore.. your both equally responsible for each others children while under one roof, so theres not need for any division. Also make it clear to all parties.. spouse, and children, there is to never be any derogatory remarks ever made about each others parents, everyone is to be civil , and no one is allowed to say mean or hateful things about other biological parents.. to each other (the kids), or infront of the kids (your spouse).. no matter how they personally feel.. and remember walls have ears and to watch what u say.. about the other parents in the home, no matter how u and ur spouse personally feel about the ex's involved that is still the childrens parents, and they love them reguardless and it only hurts and damages them emotionally to feel and hear the anger u have towards the x spouses.. so becareful when talking about the x spouses, and always promote the x spouses to the kids no matter how u feel about them personally..

When i was growing up, we all had the same rules.. and if one of us got say 8 presents for our bday, the rest of got 8 presents for our bdays, same with xmas, things were kept as equal as possible.. to this day, we are all adults..and they still do the same thing, its equal acrossed the board.. no one ever got anything that another didnt..

My father had a rule.. at the grocery store, if any of us kids "asked" for say candy, None of us got anything.. if we kept our mouths quiet while we were in the store and behaved.. then he'd buy a candy for all of us, but it was always all or none..

If u have the kids do chores then all kids should have to do chores if they are under the same roof.. even if its only fridays, saturdays, and sundays, they should contribute just like the rest of the kids when they are under that one roof.

4. Remember that ur spouse is "Sharing" in this life with u.. and that all decisions should be made with reguards to that fact. If the ex's call and need u to watch the children, on a day that u usually dont, or if they need u to do something etc.. u simply say, let me call u right back, and u consult ur spouse..make sure they didnt have anything planned, etc.. this is out of respect.. u wouldnt just invite your family over to ur neighbors house for a visit and not ask if it was ok first..so why do that to ur spouse? its just common respect. and it makes the spouse feel apart of, rather then just a fixture in the household that is at everyones beck and call..

5. Share in the responsibilities.. no one should have control all the time, or made to feel as though they have zero control over their lives..
My parents split it this way, anything having to do with inside the home, changes as in, "not going to be there for dinner, or asking if someone could come over for dinner or stay the night " my step mother was the one u asked.. if u wanted to leave the house.. and go somewhere, then my father was the one to ask..as he was the one that chauffered us to most places.. Compromise is a huge key in dealing with a blended family.. u cant be set in ur ways..there is no more "winner or losers" u have to learn to communicate with level heads..and compromise so that everyone wins to atleast some degree..

6. Neverrrrrrrrrrrrrr contridict each other especially infront of the kids , or the x spouses.. only shows disrespect.. u should always simply say, "we'll discuss it later, and get back to u on it" and if one does make the mistake and answers abruptly..stand by them 100% in that moment, and later behind closed doors discuss it, and come to an agreement if u have to change things, then change them, come up with a good reason of why things had to change, but NEVER let anyone see, u not be a united front..

7. Kids need security.. they've already been through one divorce.. so they already know its possible of happening, u have to constantly reassure them that they are all loved, that this is a family, and that no one is going anywhere..u need to promote a relationship with ur spouse between ur kids, if ur kids come in every night and kiss u good night its ur job to see that they say good night to ur spouse as well.. u wouldnt let them walk by ur mother, or sister, brother ect with out making them have respect enough to say good night to them as well dont do it to ur spouse.. get them in the routine, of treating her just as they would their mother, making sure they buy her atleast a card for mothers day, birthdays, xmas, etc.. its ur job as the parent. to show them the way, if u drop the ball so will they..

Look, i hated my step mother when i was a kid.. why? because my mother hated her plain and simple, and because she had rules, and we had to go by her rules, rules we didnt have before she came along..but my dad made us respect her, he made sure that we did the right things towards her, no matter how we felt about her, and now i love her just as much as i do my own mother..i call her mom, she "EARNED" that title.. the relationship takes time to build between the new spouse and ur kids..and usually it takes till they are an adult and look back before they realize it.. but if u show them the way, they will see it eventually ..no matter what they think now, or what their bio parents say behind closed doors to them.. Always do what is right.. and things will come together in the end..

8. Uniting the kids.. not always a simple task, i have 2 boys and 1 girl, he has 1 boy , 1 girl.. we have 3 boys in one room and the 2 girls in the other.. they have been told from the day we got married, they are family now, they treat each other as such.. they share everything, there is no, his, hers, or mine.. they are to protect each other as they would anyone else in their family.. and respect each other as such..does it work right from the start , hell no lol.. theres been so many fights, we finally had to make a house rule about fighting lol.. but like with anything, if u keep at it.. keep at it, eventually it does sink in.. it takes awhile relationships arent built over night.. and even the kids that get along great have their moments .. but what brothers and sisters dont have those moments? U have to just keep drilling it into their heads just as u would even if they were blood related and fighting..

9. Keeping ur wife sane.. thats a task in itself.. let me tell u.. she went from taking care of a certain amount of people to suddenly taking care of a "full household" of people..

Helpful hints to keep her from losing her mind..

glasses.. i dont know if its a huge problem in ur house but in mine, it was uncontrolable..so many dishes, with 5 kids.. and them getting glass after glass, and just leaving them for me to wash.. GO BUY EACH CHILD THEIR OWN SPECIAL GLASS DIFFERENT COLOR FROM THE OTHERS..that is their glass, to use..teach them how to rinse it out when their done

Towels.. were going like crazy every time me and my husband would go to take a shower, the fresh stack of towels i had just washed, dried and put away were gone.. Again, give each child their own towel to use.. put there name on it.. have them hang up their towel somewhere, clean body, clean towel.. just needs to dry.. Re-enforce the kids to pick up after themselves..and make sure that u do as well..

she will get burnt out real quick..if she feels more like a maid and a cook , more then a mother and wife.. pick a day or two , that u'll do the cooking to give her a break from it..

My parents, had 5 children combined, every friday night was pizza night, it gave my mom a break from cooking..and we had the assigned towels, and glasses..

So basically cut some of her work load, by finding easier ways of handling things, and making sure the kids hold up to it, once it becomes routine for them then u wont have to say much about it.. and it makes her life easier..
Help her around the house.. ask her if theres something she needs help with.. realize that although she signed up for the job of step mother and wife, she didnt sign up to be ur babysitter, housekeeper, nanny, maid, laundry mat..etc etc.. so help out where u can, and just simply asking if u can help will go along way and be extremely appreciated..

10. Make time for each other, even if its only for a hour a day, even if all the kids are there, choose one hour that u close that door, and unless the house is on fire u dont want to be disturbed, turn off the tv's and just talk, or play a game or whatever, something that ur doing with each other with out major distractions.. Your marriage is new, and it really hasnt had that time to grow like most marriages do, before all the hustle of kids.. and u both need that.. time as a couple.. Schedule in atleast one date night a month.. one night that u go out and be a couple.. a night she can feel like a woman instead of a frumpy mom.. remember its the little things that go along way.. my parents have been married 25 years now, my step mother says its the little things my father does that means the most to her, in 25 years, my mother has always served him first at the table out of respect not cause she had to but because she wanted to, and then us kids , then herself, and even though she has told him countless times to start eatting , in 25 years he's never taken a bite untill she was seated at the table.. every night for 25 years, if she cooks dinner, he washes the dishes..in 25 years, if my step mother even mentions she has a craving for say a vanilla milkshake after seeing a commercial, he grabs the keys and goes and gets her one, not cause he has to , but because he loves her that much.. he kisses her every time he leaves the house, and kisses her every time he walks back into the door.. she's never feared any other woman, ever because my father has never given her one reason for even on second, to believe that any woman could ever touch her..not my bio mother, not any woman. Out of 3 of my fathers bio children 2 of us call her mom.. even though all three of us love and respect her.. out of my step mothers 2 bio children, both call refer to him as their dad.. and to me, i have 3 brothers and a sister.. they arent my step family.. they are my family.. plain and simple..not only them, but my step mothers family as well i couldnt love them any more even if they were my blood lines.. U HAVE TO PROMOTE THAT LOVE IS NOT BLOOD RELATED.. BLOOD DOESNT MAKE A FAMILY.. LOVE DOES..


Its extremely hard the 2nd time around, blending a family.. and once u work out all the kinks which unfortunately does take alittle while to work out.. things will run smoother, but u have to be willing participants, and u need to have a game plan.. and u have to be willing to look at the kids as "OURS" when they are under your roof..

Sure.. its hard, and i'll be the first to admit that its really tuff having a real relationship with step children especially when there are issues with the x going on, u dont mean to, but at times u tend to resent your spouse, and after awhile if the spouse doesnt take a stand against the games being played by the x u do tend to resent the step children to a degree even though u know its not their fault and u do deeply care for them, but u start feeling overwhelmed, and it just starts carrying over.. it is vital for ur marriage to survive to make sure that your X can not intrude on your marriage and your home.. it doesnt mean u have to give into ur wifes every need, but pick and choose wisely, because if your spouse feels used, or betrayed in this relationship it will only last for so long before they say enough is enough and i was better off alone even if they love u.. its not about love at that point, its about can u stand to be treated as someone that is only used as a step parent when its CONVIENT to the biological parents, and told to BACK OFF, when its not convient.. a step parent is either in it fully, or out fully u cant have half and half.. they are either a parent, or their not, and if their not, they should have zero responsibilities what some ever for the step children..u cant have a marriage of convience, Ur either all the way in, or all the way out, and if their all the way out, ur marriage isnt going to last so u mine as well of not gotten married in the first place..

DO WHAT IS RIGHT.. DO WHAT IS FAIR.. and PROTECT UR MARRIAGE FROM "ALL" NEGATIVE INFLUENCES..

Answer 2

Any marriage, with or without kids is hard in the first year. The first year is about learning about one another, seeing what works and what doesnt, coming to a common ground. Of course you throw in his kids and her kids and it can be an all out battlefield because no one person parents like another.

You two need to come to the table with ideas on how to make the best of your marriage and of your blended family. As a child of a blended family, sometimes I'm surprised my Mom and Step-Dad are still together, us kids didn't make it easy!!

Your wife very well may be going down a road of regrets. Unfortuntely that is her choice, not yours to make. I think a long heart to heart talk is in order. If both of you are willing to make it work, then you have your work cut out for you. You can't do it alone, either be a team or both of you will grow to resent one another.

Answer 3

I have been married for 6 months. I had a child from another relationship who my husband treats as his own. I am now pregnant with our first child together, and things sometimes get tough. When there is a lot of baggage there will be problems. but the grass isn't always greener on the other side, i hope your wife realises that - give her time to adjust to her new life and family. Good luck

Answer 4

The first year of marriage is going to be hell regardless of whether or not there are kids involved or not. It's just like the first year of parenting, or the first year in a diiferent city or state, after living in the same one your whole life. The first year of marriage is always a test.It is like a roller coaster. But, it is also a new beginning. The past is the past, and should be left as so. Yeah, at first there is going to be some getting used to of your spouses way of living, and about how he/she feels about how the kids should be raised, which is probably totally different than the way you used to do it. You have to sit your partner down, and talk with them.Come to a common ground on things that you differ about.Let them know exactly how you are feeling, in a way where it isn't going to cuase any more tension between both of you or your children.You got married because you guys love eachother, and you vowed to be there for eachother no matter what. Just remind yourselves of that, even if you have to do it everyday for three weeks, or even three months... communication is the key to a happy marriage. Marriage isn't meant to be perfect, and couples aren't meant to not disagree, or be angry with one another. That's a natural part of life. Your love for one another is being tested, and will continue to be tested for as long as you are together.But as lnog as you continue to remind eachother why you are together in the first place, you'll ace it everytime!!

Answer 5

1st 3 yrs. of marriage is really difficult,it's an adjustment period.There are those who split up w/in that period coz' of misunderstanding...but i think your wife is not yet ready for a responsibility ..or simply she's irresponsible..just be patient if you really love her..let her feel that you care,you love and need her love...have positive approach...despite of her irresponsibility show to her that you still care..maybe she will realize later that you married her because of love so she must do the same in return...