Is it right or fair to the woman to live with a man for 17 years and he not marry her?

Question

I have lived with my boyfriend for 17 years. We have not had children and we are 43 years old. When we discuss marriage he says that he prefers to take it one day at a time and if the relationship works today then great. He says he comes home because he wants to not because he has to. I have also found out that he does sort of act like he is single because he will go to lunch with women friends of his (I don't think he knows that I know that). Is this right? Is this love?

Answer 1

why buy the milk when the cow is free. you shouldnt have moved in until you got a ring. he cannot be pressured. I wouldnt force him (i dont think he would otherwise) sorry toots, you would have to threaten to leave, but I think he knows you would never do that

Answer 2

Nobody here has the authority to tell you if it's love or not. But if you consider how you're feeling, you will find the answer. Don't ask yourself if you could live without him. That wont work. But ask yourself, are you happy with this relationship? Does it make you feel bad when he goes to lunch with other women? Does it make you feel bad when he 'pushes' off marriage? Do you want to marry and have kids? Those answers will guide you to a decision. I personally, would not be happy. As far as the "i come home because I want to, not cuz I have to" that's a cop out. And I have heard it before! I was 'in love' with a man who used to say that all the time. Yet we would discuss marriage. He would say that same exact thing! He also kept saying "one day we'll get married, but today everything is so perfect, why mess with it?" Well, finally, after agonizing over it, I left. We were only together about 2 years, but I found out very quickly after I left, that he had no intention of ever marrying me. Please be careful here. After 17 years, I have to say, he prefers his single life...if he married you, he would have legal obligations, and you could 'legally' tell him he can't have female friends and stuff. Do you think being married to him would cause him to change from the way he is today? No. He is going to remain this way for good. And he's comfortable with it now, and he likes things the way they are. The question is, do you? Good luck!!!

Answer 3

It's right. Why not?It's called common law marriage and depending on whether you live you have the exact same rights as the married.

Married men go out to lunch with female friends all the time and married women do the same. It's not acting single to have platonic friendships of the opposite sex.

Unlike the women haters and the self hating women out there, I don't believe that women are cows or property that should be bought. My lover and I live together too, we're just having a wedding to make our families happy, but it's not nearly as meaningful as our relationship. It's just a boring ritual and a party.

You are not a cow.

If it wasn't love, he wouldn't have stayed with you this long! Marriage does not equate to love or commitment. That should always come first. The party, the ritual is often the cause of divorce. People focus so much on the perfect wedding and forget why people get married in the first place.

Your lover comes home to you every night because he chooses to and he's happy with you. Why question it after all these years?

Answer 4

Sure it's okay for a man and a woman to live together for 17 years! Because we're all going to live forever, and maybe someday when you're 80, 90, or 120 he'll start to come around! After 17 years it's perfectly normal for a guy to question whether or not he wants a lifelong commitment with a woman because marriage is a big step! (sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?)

Bottom line is that in most states you're ALREADY married. You are his "common law" wife. This entitles you to a portion of all of the assets accumulated throughout the last 17 years. Now if it's a commitments he's worried about after 17 years of living with you, you might want to remind him of all this. But personally you are the first woman I have ever heard of who lived with a guy for 17 years with the hopes that SOMEDAY......her boyfriend might ask her to marry her! Honey you're 43, no kids, and not married! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING AROUND FOR????

Answer 5

The only draw back to this type of relationship is....that due to you not being married, then if something medically were to happen....you are not considered family in the eyes of the law....if he nor you have a will....the court will have to decide where what goes....and because you are not family.....you ain't going to get it. Unless you state has any laws regarding common law wife/husband relationships....this is where the 2 of you have been together for so long that they just figure you are married. Also say if you have joint checking accounts and either of you die....then you have no money for a while....until everything is settled. The bank is hard to deal with after someone dies.....your account could be frozen for some time....and if checks are being deposited in there automatically.....then you still are not getting any money. He may be figuring that if you get married it will already ruin a good thing.....why fix what ain't broke....so to speak. good luck.

Answer 6

Live-ins is what some men use for their benefit when it
comes to going out alone. That way they do not feel as
guilty when with someone else becasue they are not marr-
ied: If a man really loves his woman and totally respects
her after 17yrs being togeather then marriage would have
definately taken place. A woman who lives with a man 17
yrs and does not get married should expect what ever
comes around as the man is not totally committed. As far
as is this love goes it could be but there is room for
another, so you have to decide what is best for you and
if you want him to be committed then tell him and if he
doesn't want to then you will have to decide if you can
accept that or not. Good luck.

Answer 7

I realize that it's spilt milk, but for the benefit of others. The mistake was made 17 years ago. Our society stooped to a new low. This sought of thing is rampant
Carly Simon sang "so you think it's time to move in together raise a family of our own you and me ( You want to marry me)"

Women may feel moving in together is a real commitment, most men don't. Moving in doesn't mean marriage.

This man has no intension of marrying you. If there is any love in him, you've got to put your foot down.

Please don't hint, be direct. Have a back up plan as what belongs to who. Remember palimony exist.

What ever you decide , I wish you the best. Remember non action is an action that will not effect change

Answer 8

After 17 yrs what exactly will the title change? Lunch's with anyone doesnt imply what it seems ur illuding to.
If all else is fine then pushing that issue might push ur man away. Some people find security in odd things; just as ur security lye's with a ring, so his may be with not shouldering the title. Lost of guys feel this way.

Answer 9

Start telling everyone that he is your husband - change your last name to his. That sort of thing along with cohabitation is recognized in most states as common law marriage. Inform your man that you consider your relationship as a common law marriage and that you are taking steps to make it that way officially. Also inform him that half his assets will be yours in any divorce proceedings. I'm sure you know by now that you should have done this thing about 12 years ago. Good Luck.

Answer 10

lunch is just lunch.

you're married now.

If he'd cheat on you after 17 years, he'd cheat on you after it was 'official'.

"i come home because I want to, not cuz I have to" is *not* a cop out. its an expression of love that many "married" people would envy.

"..thinks that staying unmarred he can keep a love longer."
and hes right, isn't he? 17 years is already longer than most marriages.

Trying to imagine what kind of cretin tells a stranger "now u've wasted 17 years of ur life". What kind of arrogance assumes you could judge another person's life like that, after a few sentences..?!

Answer 11

live your life. I am a truck driver and seen this many times. he is comfortable in the skin he in.let him live his life and you live yours.go out sometimes.meet other people.do what makes you happy, Dont be afraid on change. Dude is not getting married ,but you must consider whats important to you. A home, food, security, and maybe someone to hold. Keep all that and do you. Dont throw that away. Alot of women would love what you got. Dont let them have it but enjoy your life.You ever come to NC lets do lunch. :) smile you have been blessed to have what you got. a soulmate.yeah I said it. He gives you what you need, its up to you to get what you want.