You are the rain
I am the cloud
Where ever you are
I'm think of you
The way that you bring
Joy to my life and
The way when I am mad
You make me glad ...Thank you
2007-02-28 00:50:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
The 1st paragraph isn't bad; almost Haiku. The second stanza - not so good; mad and glad are too simplistic for describing the emotion you want to get across.
2007-02-28 00:55:02 · answer #1 · answered by canela 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no, no it isnt. The first three lines are okay(as far as making sense), but then you completely lose track by saying "I'm think of you" which doesnt really work. Why would the cloud be thinking of the rain wherever it is? I think you need to completely re-work your metaphor in the first stanza.
The second stanza doesnt really make sense at all. What about "the way you bring Joy..."? You are just rattling off emotions without giving any explanation.
That being said, I do agree with monkey ^
If you are happy with it then it is perfect. Writing most definitely an experience of and for ones self.
2007-02-28 02:43:42 · answer #2 · answered by ottomated420 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it really depends on what you are using it for. To give to a girl you think highly of? Then this is sweet. (Other than the grammatical error in the fourth line.) To publish? Not so great. It is sweet though. Not overly poetic or descriptive, but the feelings are there.
2007-03-01 05:59:20 · answer #3 · answered by mama_chickadee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your happy with it then its great. wirting is something you should do for your self not everyone and there mother.
that being said I think you could do alot better, You have a great start but need to play with the words a little.
2007-02-28 01:06:41 · answer #4 · answered by monkeyeatbutt@sbcglobal.net 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the first vers was xcelent
the second vers was gr8 mate, but theres no closure if u know wut i mean; mayb there is, but i dnt see it. mayb i'm not stupid enough to see it cuz love songs are for stupid people arnt they... (no offense)
great song mate; keep up the good work and post more poems
2007-02-28 00:58:41 · answer #5 · answered by murdock 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is really good. are u an amateur? thats one of the best ones that ive read.
2007-02-28 00:55:54 · answer #6 · answered by jenrulz13 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
im sry
but you have a lot of work to do
2007-02-28 00:55:49 · answer #7 · answered by Princess Penguin 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
its ok you just need a title
2007-02-28 00:53:28 · answer #8 · answered by Jay Blacksheep 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ya its kinda cool!!
2007-03-02 01:35:22 · answer #9 · answered by S . Sushmita 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yea its ok
2007-02-28 00:53:04 · answer #10 · answered by links305 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋