What should I do about this?

Question

O.K. My girlfriend finished with me on Sunday, things had been going downhill anyway,and the stress of it all had caused me to have an eating disorder which I told her about, & said i was seeing a doctor bout it,she felt 'we' couldnt continue.We had dated 4 a year. She said she didnt want me contacting her, & that she wanted 2 weeks. I spoke to her today,she said that for my sake, 2 weeks was best to get over her,& then we'd have to see what happened. I said, in 2 weeks, if I ask u out 4 a drink as friends,would u want2?She said that it'd depend on how 'I (Not her!)' felt, bcos it isn't always easy..... the thing is....i still like her,& i know if I cured my prob,she may hav me bak,but i doubt it. so questions...has anyone had a situation lyk ths?is it best to meet her aftr 2 weeks,wht shud i say?shud i just never speak 2her again? please let me know!....UPDATE: Last night she sent me a text out of the blue, saying how guilty she felt & nevr meant to hurt me&hates herself! NOW WHAT!!

Answer 1

Give yourself the distance she wants. Find something else to do in the mean time. Focus on your own health. The associated stress has reeked havoc on your body and mind. Heal first and see where you want to go from there. People feel the distance most because it breaks their routines of behaviour and affection. Fill the gap and you'll not think of her as much. Your true feelings will surface.

Answer 2

Wow, what a jolt, right? I think that she is finished with the relationship and is trying to hang the break up on something. Your admission of an eating disorder was a convenient thing to which to tack the break up. Her guilt stems from the horrible thing she has tacked her decision to (and it will make her sound horrible when the story is recounted - like here for instance). She may really care about you and what happens to you, but it sounds like she had made a decision. Fortunately, for you both, it's not etched in stone or anything. I say let life be fluid and take it as it comes (that's a hard thing for you isn't it?). Don't over think this. I think it's okay to respond to the text (because you already have, right?), but stick to the two weeks. Show her that you can be less clingy (you've been doing that, hunh?).

More importantly at the moment, keep your scheduled appointments with your doc and follow your treatment plan. You have to keep yourself healthy. A very learned psychologist once said (yeah, I forgot his name) that it takes two healthy people to make a relationship. The idea is no one completes any one. You are complete at the outset and together you can enjoy one another from a healthy, non-clingy existence (yeah, I made that assumption - sorry if it's not true of you).

Answer 3

Now What? You thank your lucky stars!!! Well obviouslly she's not the one for you! If somebody causes an eating disorder they should be avoided entirely. You are free now, with no strings. This is so good! Do not answer her text. You'll just get hurt again. Find a new place to hang out and tell your friends and family that you're free to date again. Maybe one of them knows a person who is also free and more compatable. Give yourself some space and don't rush into anything serious so fast. Good Luck and remain calm. :)

Answer 4

Well, you've known already for a year and you're quite knows each other, so it really hurts for you. I think you have to talk to her and ask her what's really in her mind and finalize the everything about the relationship. If she's not really interested to go on, then accept it, at least in just a short time you've known her well. what if she did this after two, three or four years, it will be more painful to you. I think both of you should have space for awhile, then if both of you are meant for each other, then fate will destined you to be lovers again.For the meantime, go out and meet some nice girls out there, start with friendship, who knows there's somebody out there, far better than your girlfriend, a caring and loving one. Keep busy and talk to people and make yourself look good.

Answer 5

Release. Release her. Let go and see what she does.

Meanwhile, work on your eating disorder and the dangerous times when you might be triggered to go back to that disorder. What habits have you formed around that disorder and how can you break them? Best of Luck! You deserve to be free!

Answer 6

Well you can do a simple thing ask her how she is doing, and say that the drinks are on me and give her a good night that she will remember, and tell her "don't hate your self it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, and lets enjoy the rest of the night."

Answer 7

Get your eating disorder under control first. That is your biggest problem now. Don't see her until you get your eating disorder under control. You don't need the extra stress right now. Good luck.

Answer 8

hey, i could understand your situation...
as a girl, if i reject someone at the first time, i don't think he will have any chance in future.
so for me, it's hard to change mind...
hope your gf is different...

good luck, everything is going on;-)

Answer 9

I disagree with the other answerers who Think you should just Give Up & Let Go. The Girl didn't cause your Eating Disorder; you didn't know how to handle the problems & stress (and most Relationships have those), which led to the Eating Disorder. If she "finished" with You, it's because you kept Getting Worse, and for whatever reasons, she didn't want to Go Down With You. Hey, she did you give you a Year, right??? That's a long time to spend with a Guy who is steadily Descending into Disorder. So she must have at least SOME feelings for you, but the farther you Sink, the more She is going to want to Sail Away to Save Herself. That doesn't mean she don't care - it means that She Also Loves Her Self, and she realizes that the Only Person right now who can Save You is... You!!! Because she's stuck it out this long, and you only got worse... so obviously she feels she is Not Making Things Better, and maybe perhaps she does Feel that she caused it... but of course, she didn't. You Know?? Right now, you still have a Small Chance.... but you're going to Have to Put In a Lot of Work. Basically, you have to not only Stop Sinking, you also have to Fix Your Boat, & then you have to Start Sailing Strong!

So I wrote a Lot - because I think you might need a Lot. I hope that some of it is useful for you.

I think...
It sounds like you are extremely Reactive in this relationship (you let your Happiness & how you Feel, depend on Her & how the Relationship is Going), when you should be more Pro-Active (Being & Feeling Happy on Your Own, and letting that Guide & Grow the Relationship).

This means You have to Love Your Self first - not Her or the Relationship. Love Your Self by Resolving your eating disorder and Get Your Self back in Order, FIRST. Do it for Your Self because you Love Your Self and you Know that if you Don't Do This, then you are in Danger of Dying in Body-Mind-Heart. You have to Know that you Can't Love Your Self or anybody else Very Well, if you have an Eating Disorder or other Body-Mind Health Problems. So Do this By Yourself if you can, without Doctors, and especially without Her. Have Faith that you can Do This By Yourself, For Yourself, Within Yourself. You have to be Strong, buddy - for Your Self & For your Present + Future Love.

You have a Chance, but you really have to Make a Big Transformation.

Besides Healing Your Self, you need to do 2 Things:

A) This may sound corny to you, but "Be the Spirit of Love." Regarding the Girl, do this by Telling the Girl that 1) you Don't Want Her to Feel Guilty or to Hate Herself, and that 2) she shouldn't Feel This Way. Avoid saying Anything Else, because right now, Words of Love or any other kind are Not important right now - your Actions are!!! And right now, the Actions you should be most concerned with are: 1) Healing Your Self, and 2) Not Harming Others.

So Be Simple, Direct, & Brief, do Not explain Too Much: those 2 feelings (1-You don't want her to feel Guilty or to hate herself, and that 2-She shouldn't Feel this Way) with no Additional Explanation are Enough. Send this Message of Reassurance, but do not express anything else or try to persuade her to Feel Reassured, since You haven't Healed Your Self yet - your #1 priority. Do not use the word "Love" or even Caring... just Be Loving in Spirit, and it will Show through the Simple Content of your Message. Call, E-mail, or Text - you decide. (But if you call, keep it Very Brief!!! Do NOT talk about how you're going to Heal Your Self or anything. Then go do the actual business of Healing Your Self.

B) Regarding the next 2 weeks, Don't Ever Focus on Numbers when it comes to Love!!! Usually a Bad idea. Love can't be Quantified, so don't Live as if it can. Instead, think "a couple weeks". Inform her (you can add it on to the End of your Message A above) that you'll contact her after a Couple Weeks. And that's it - leave the Message at that. No extra explanation. Again, it's the KISS principle: Keep It Short & Simple! Don't call exactly at 2 weeks. Contact her later, maybe 3. Maybe 2.5 is OK, but only if you're 80-90% Healed. Why??? Because the next time you see Her, you should be a very different, stronger, Healed/Healthy Person. If she can see that you've made such a fast, successful Change for the Better, how do you think she'll Feel about giving You and your Relationship a Second Chance???? Girls might like the Sensitive part of You, but you need to balance that with Strength & Willpower, which needs to express itself in your Life. Whether Girls will admit it or not, they Like those, too.

But right now, you shouldn't be Healing Your Self for the Girl, but for Your Self. For the next couple weeks, you should Think of her as Less as possible. If you do happen to think of her, put her in the Storage Room of your Mind, and just close the door.

Start Now. If you want to Heal Your Self, you have to also Heal Your Life, and that means living a Healthy Daily Life!!!! Plan the next 2 weeks with a Schedule, which will include all activities during the whole day. Use a Schedule!!!!! This is VERY very important.

You need Willpower to Heal Your Self, but you also need Discipline to Channel it. And discipline means Following a Schedule, a Plan. If that's what the Army does to train soldiers in the shortest period of time, so should you! If you DON'T have a plan, it'll be really easy to just get distracted off your Goal and do a half-assed job. Make a Plan, and don't Give Up! You can use your 6th sense to tweak it as you go along, but don't drop it.

I'm no doctor or coach, but this is what I came up with: your Daily/Weekly Schedule might want to include...
1) Scheduled eat times.
2) Scheduled sleep times.
3) Exercise times (if you don't do exercise, then light exercise such as walking is fine, perhaps 30 min to 1 hour).
4) TV times (an hour or 2 at most.) + Internet (not too long).
5) Personal Hobby times. (This doesn't include Unhealthy Hobbies! If you have no healthy hobbies, then go look for one.) It's really important to do something you love, a little bit every day.
6) Reading times. If you don't like to read, tough! You should at least read about your Eating Disorder, Psychology, Relationships (Not for this Girl, but for Girls/Love in general), your Job, Life, etc. Doesn't matter what, as long as you think it's interesting & relevant. Novels are OK, too. If you're new to reading, then keep it to 30 min.-1 hour.
7) Housework times. Yeah, you should do some every day. Schedule some time, like 30 min., for housework stuff. Clean your room, bathroom, house, whatever. Why??? Because when you clean up your Life on the Outside, you'll also be cleaning Your Self a bit on the Inside. That's why they say, "The state of your house, reflects the state of your Life/Mind." So doing housework is just reversing the process. Plus, it's also light exercise, and since it doesn't require a lot of thinking, it takes your Mind off things.
8) Friend times. Avoid talking about the Girl, or anything about Your Self, and focus instead on talking about your Friends' lives. If you go out with your Friends & start talking about the Girl, you'll only Feel Bad. Again, also avoid Unhealthy Activities!!!! That means no drinking (well, if you're really used to it, then only 1 beer and that's it!!!) and not too much smoking, either. Use your 6th sense to tell. It's too easy to get sucked into unhealthy activities with friends, so be careful!!!
9) Once a week, new Activities/Social Contacts. Try 1 new thing during this time period (and healthy!), preferably where you can meet new people. A group, club, class, volunteering (a VERY good idea by the way!, because it's a great way to Realize in Giving that there are other people who need & could use your help, too, and so it makes you feel good about yourself), anything. If you have fewer friends/social contacts, you should do MORE of this. If you have a lot of friends/contacts, you can do Less.

10) Important!! By Your Self times. 20-30 min. is OK. This means Doing Nothing. Don't stay at home: Go to a less busy park, next to a local pond or river, somewhere, (but with not too many people around). Just Sit There, Do Nothing, except Be There. Resting is OK too. If you're bored, Pay attention & Look long and hard at what's around you - the sky, the trees, the ground, the people walking by, the buildings. And let All the other Crap, Stuff & Everything Else in your life just Fall Away for that period of time. If you end up Thinking, don't Think about Old Problems, Think about New Things.

Sounds stupid and simplistic? Actually, in the beginning it might be pretty difficult. But the Best Way to Find Your Self and Heal Your Self, ironically, is to Just Do Nothing and let your Mind-Body-Heart Do Nothing, and when it does nothing, it naturally wants to move back towards Health. If you stick with it, you'll get your Reward.

NOTE:
The reason why you should avoid Unhealthy Activities is because if you're going to Heal Your Self, you shouldn't be Aiming at just the Eating Disorder, but also your whole Life... or at least 80-90% of it. If you want to Feel Better about Your Life, you have to try to Live a Better Life - and then you'll Feel Better about It. So this means cutting down on Alcohol, Smoking, Drugs/Medication (if any) etc. You don't have to eliminate them completely (very difficult cold-turkey), but make drastic cuts!!! At least more than 50%, but 75-90% is much better. Give yourself Number Limits, and stick to them.

If all this sounds like A Lot, well, it is A Lot because you need A Lot in order to Save this Relationship & to Save Your Self!!!! And Drastic problems require drastic Measures in order to produce Drastic Results. And right now, it sounds like you could use some of those. If you can be a Healthier, Happier guy (or at least significantly on your way), your Girl will be Impressed - trust me. People are always impressed with Drastic Results!!! Plus, you'll also be Healthier & Happier, which is its own Reward. And even if the Girl just wants to be Friends (she could also change her Mind later, if she sees that you've permanently Changed and are sticking to it), then at least you'll be a lot better prepared in your next Relationship.

And when you do out for that drink a couple weeks later, don't Focus on what You've been Doing, but about what She's been Doing. If you've been Successful or Making Significant Progress in your own Healing, then it will naturally Show in How you Feel, Look, Act, and Talk, and she'll Notice the Change and Ask you about it Herself. She will definitely Be Curious & Impressed with how you did it. And then you tell her how, and You'll be the Man, iif you know what I mean.

But again, don't think about That or what will happen - you have to Act Now For Your Self. Have Faith that you can do it - that you can do Anything you want.

I sincerely wish you the best!!!!