How can I deal with my 15-year-old son that hates me?

Question

My hubby died, leaving me with a boy and a 13 yo girl. They didn't get along, my boy always thought I loved his sister much more than him and got very jealous. At 11 she liked to tease him, things that are normal in bro/sister relationship. But he used to get very angry and even more because I used to tell him he was older and had to protect his lil sister. He ended up being mean to her, out of jealousy for several times did really bad and unacceptable things to her, like throwing her in a swimming pool when she was dressed for a party. I gave him harsh punishments, he changed, acknowledged he was acting out of anger and was wrong. But felt extremely humiliated, said I wasn't a fair mother, cause I favored her and was harsh on him, and started hating me, though never did anything wrong again. Today he's living w/ my mother-in law, who loves him a lot. Now he's the kind of boy any mother would proud of, a great kid, but hates meand won't come back. It seems this will be forever.

Answer 1

Your never going to get him to like you, so go ahead and beat the living @#$% out of him. $%#@ I hate kids.

Answer 2

Well this sounds like my husband and his sister growing up.. they truly were evil to one another all the time and of course it is natural to want to protect the girl 1st.. only cause she is the girl and that seems to make people think fragile. Boys seem so hard and cold at times. I seen alot of the things that went on between them. As his mother you really need to try to talk to him and make him understand that you love him and that boys and girls get treated differently. I would not allow him to live at his mother in law anymore so you 2 can work on a better relationship... tell him that you are wanting to make an effort in them getting along and take him shopping or do something that he will enjoy. Tell him that this will have to be a two way relationship and he will have to try to get along with you as well. You two are losing out on some great bonding time and it will only get worse if you allow him to stay away from home. My husband and I started dating when he was 15 and at 17 he moved in with me and because of the relationship with his mother and sister was awful rocky. That hurt him for a long time.. now he and his mother and sister are close.. but there was so much time in between that needed to be shared and closure was needed 10 yr ago. I think maybe you 2 could see a counselor and this can open up the problem and you can get to the bottom of it quickly. Good luck.

Answer 3

Sounds like he has some anger issues about his dad's death and also about your relationship with your daughter. Maybe he thinks you were putting too much responsibility on him. Which very well may not be true. If he's happy at grandma's, then let him stay. I think he needs to work out his internal issues first before he can work things out with you. Don't push the issue even though I'm sure this is breaking your heart. He needs time to heal. Just try to be his mom and stay involved with his life as much as possible. Hopefully, he will let his anger towards you dissolve. When, who knows. But, do your best to try to have a relationship with him. For some reason, he is feeling second best to his sister and with the death of his father, it just may have been too much for him.

Answer 4

This sounds very hard for you, I'm sorry. I am pregnant but have no children, BUT I was a hell of a teenager. I am very mature now, love my parents very much, but maybe it will help if I give you my point of view from when I was his age. Although, my situations were different... when your that age you only see you mom walking away with a pissed off look or yelling at you, you barely ever see the nice things, like her smiling at you when your being silly or crying when shes had to punish you. We have no idea, so automatically think, she hollow and just doesnt care. Maybe you could do something really fun with just the boy, and really go all out, something just you and he can do. Let him know that you want him and only him sometimes. My mom saved all her money and took me to Disney world on my 16th birthday, JUST ME AND HER. I'll never forget it. But just dont give up, hes at a hard age, and I'll tell you my mom was wonderful but it was me who needed to grow up, and it took me until I was about 19 or 20 to see thingsw right. You need to love for as long as it takes and never give up. Things will turn around.

Answer 5

Being a teenager is difficult under the best circumstances....most Adults would say they wouldn't want to go back and do it over. Here's the thing your son sounds like he is happy and thriving. There are so many little things you can do to still be there for him, but remember it takes time and effort (like all relationships). So I say keep working at it and it will come out all right in the end.

Answer 6

I really don't think your son hates you, but is very angry because his father died. It may be a good idea to open communication with him about his loss, or even consider family therapy for your collective grief. Those teen years are difficult as it is, let alone losing a parent. Also, maybe he wants you to "fight" for him. Explain to him that you let him leave because you thought it was best for him, you didn't want him to go and that you want and welcome him back into your house. If you don't reach out to him, he may be feeling deserted by you too.

Answer 7

Can you blame him? Why the heck would a parent delegate his or her own duties onto a 11-year-old child? It was your duty to protect both of your children, not his alone. That's a lot of stress for a kid to handle, and I can understand why he'd react that way.

That said, I'd give it a few years, and then acknowledge that you weren't fair to him, and tell him that you want to make things right and try to work things out. Trying to justify your actions would probably just make things worse and make him feel less inclined to come back to you.

Answer 8

You can start asking him why he thinks that you love his sister more than him, if he dosen't answer you can ask him what does he wants to do , and try to plan a mother and son outting. Then you send your daughter to your mother in law to take care of her when you and your son is out, and when your daugher asks"Where are you going with my big brother?" you can say that he is going to a docters appointment and she can't come because it'll take forever until he is done. That is how you get your son the you love him and make sure that you don't mention her name while you are out with your son.

Answer 9

If your 15 years old son hates you, then there must be something there, "there is no smoke without fire" so the best way to deal with him is to settle the matter with him, cos as he is your son and there is no way you can denied him, he will ever be your son till enternity: Elarandy

Answer 10

your son may still be having issues surrounding the death of his dad, which have manifested themselves as anger towards you and his sister, i would seek counselling for yourself first and then if you can convnce him to go along that would be great. remain part of his life, tell him you love him often and try to ignore his outbursts, hope this helps and that things can turn around for you and your son

Answer 11

Im sure he is still trying to deal with the death of his father. Im sure losing him it put undo stress on you and you (without thinking) took it out on him. Since he was the oldest child you expected more out of him then he was ready to give since he was greeving too. Im sure he is happy with your inlaws..... he is most likely center of attention. Maybe that is what he is craving.

He is with his Grandma, and may feel a bond to his dad stronger there.My son is 15, they are so moody at that age. Just give him time. My ex is not dead but has nothing to do with the kids, so my son feels abandoned. Kinda similar. He only told me he hated me once, it was over something petty and he followed it by I never gave him anything. And wished i was the one who left.

I used tough love with him and Took all his name brand clothes and put them in the attic, took all his game syatems, computer, bikes, stero, Everything but bed and dressor out of his room, Bought him 5 outfits at goodwill, and hung them up in his closet. along with Cheap shoes.... Put his 4 wheeler on the front lawn with a forsale sign... When he came home he asked me where his stuff was... I said gone......... he was MAD,

went to his room for about 2 hours, came out asked me to get him good clothes again, i said wouldnt that be doing something for you? He went to his room, wrote me a note and had his sister bring it to me, He wrote down all the good things i do for him, and asked me to come talk to him.... I did, and he said he was sorry. So i gave him his stuff back.... He thought i actually got rid of it, i told him next time i would, have not had any trouble with him since.

Maybe you could do the reverse of what I did, ask him to come for a weekend and prove to him you want him home.