Over a year ago I got out of a really bad realtionship.. The relationship lated 12 long, hard years and we produced 2 beautiful kids, of which live with me and visit him.There was a lot of abuse involved and I am lucky to have had the support of my family through the separation.. I knew at he time he was seeing someone else and was happy to have him distracted to allow me to live freely.. well one month later she ends up pregnant.. she has now had his child, a baby girl.. no anomosity towards anyone, but how can i have been treated so badly for so long and he suddenly change his ways??? Has this happened to other people, where your ex becomes a man from a monster? Or is it possible his true colours have not yet shown? I'm interested to hear real life experiences, and appreciate your responses..
2007-02-27 23:05:12 · 13 answers · asked by ultimate_emchick 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Also it might be worth adding that he was not only abusive to me, but also to his family, he is a convicted criminal and has lived under many aliases since I have known him.. He has also changed his religion no less than 4 times, last time going from Muslim to Jewish.. Just to give u a taste of his personality..
2007-02-28 00:15:54 · update #1
Wow, you're so brave, many would have sat around waiting for things to get better when they knew deep down that they wouldn't. Congratulations for getting out. Like Dr. Phil says, the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. He got together with her through an affair and I will bet good money that he cheats on her too when it gets a bit boring for him. You are not there, sitting through his daily bullsh*t so if anything, you should pity the poor girl. You'll move on in your own time. Keep your chin up, you should be proud of yourself. Don't waste another second of your life with his business, you deserve to move on =)
2007-02-27 23:15:12 · answer #1 · answered by sticky 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are a couple of scenarios that are possible.
It could be he really is a monster, and that will eventually show up.
It could be that he really made the changes needed, and will be a much better man.
It could be that you pushed all the right buttons and he wasn't emotionally experienced or mature enough to respond in a proper manner.
Yes abusers need to learn how to respond properly. With that said, I am sure that in many cases (and I know this will be unpopular, but hear me out) abusers lash out because the abused party pushes certain buttons and the abuser doesn't know how to respond or doesn't know how deal with the situation.
Let's be clear, I'm not blaming the abused party, but I do want those who are abused to take a look at their behavior to see if the contributed to the situation, not the abuse, but the climate in the relationship.
Hypothetical example here, we have a couple and the man grew up poor and wants to save money and spend less than he makes, provide for his family, but is frugal. He marries a woman who isn't as careful with money. They agree that each has $X/month in mad money, they create a spending plan and things go well. That is until he gets her credit card bill and she has been spending more than agreed upon.
When he wants to talk about it in a safe and mature way, she simply says she will make it up next month. Next month never comes and she keeps spending.
Eventually, after not being heard or not being taken seriously, he goes from talking to yelling.
She calls him abusive.
Really? Perhaps he is now abusive. He doesn't have a way to send the message.
So is he abusive or not? Anyway, we really cannot tell if he will show his "true colors." as we don't know him. Folks can answer based on their experiences. I hope for the sake of all that it was one of the more positive answers. Either the two of you were just bad together, chemicals setting each other off, or that he really learned from the experience.
Regardless, the only thing you can control is how you behave, so make sure that any bad habits or behaviors that you had during the marriage (and no one is perfect, so I'm sure there is a list of things you can change for the better about yourself) are addressed before you enter another relationship.
2007-02-28 00:07:40 · answer #2 · answered by camys_daddy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When we first get involved with somebody, we always put our best foot forward and are always on our best behaviour. But when we start to relax and feel more comfortable, our true colours start to show. Some people's true colours are good, others not so good. This is why he has suddenly changed from being a monster to a man. As you suggested, his true colours have not surfaced yet. Give it time, and they will. Perhaps you feel like you can't move on because you feel 'replaced' or 'substituted' by this new girlfriend? And you are left wondering why she is getting all this nice treatment that you've not received. I believe this nice treatment is only temporary, and when the true colours show, you will realise that you're not the one with the problem, he is. And when you realise this, you will be able to move on. This is my humble opinion and experience. I hope this is helpful for you. Penny xx
2007-02-27 23:17:12 · answer #3 · answered by Vanessa 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
people don't change that fast, his true self will eventually come out with her. we do sometimes wonder why they treated us so badly and treat her good. maybe there has been some devine intervention, or maybe he is just hiding it from her because he thinks she will leave him. sometimes i believe we teach others how to treat us, by not setting limits, by not confronting. maybe this new girl will not put up with his nonsense, maybe she has set boundaries we should have set when we were with him. i personally heard a story of a man who treated his first family awful, abused the wife and children, but than remarried after his first wife passed away, and the second set of kids were treated well, they don't share the same memories of the mean old man as the first set of kids did. they found their dad to be kind, and caring. but most likely she just hasn't seen the true him yet.
2007-02-28 01:34:21 · answer #4 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am very glad that you found courage to stop abuse and get out of it. I think that you know in your heart that he is still the same man. It's understandable that it will take you some time to get over your unhappy relationship. The question for you is - why would you care whether he changed his ways or not? I think that it's time that you focus on yourself and your kids, and get peace and love for yourself. He is the history now and there are a lot of possibilities out there for you, so move on!
2007-02-27 23:21:21 · answer #5 · answered by Alyssa Macey 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time will tell. You don't need to move on. You need to heal. I have a feeling a leopard doesn't change his spots that quickly. And what may appear as a white picked fence to you could feel like a prison to her. You just keep your focus on where it belongs YOUR BABIES. Count your blessings and appreciate your freedom. Don't look back and do all the things you couldn't while you were with him. Pick up a hobby, take a course. Enjoy your life. Good luck.
2007-02-27 23:25:29 · answer #6 · answered by cabinfeverjen 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen up, I've been down that road. (Just like you I/we had two daughters and 12yrs. invested.) So, I must congrad. you on the moving on with your and therefore gettin out of a bad situation. Trust me if, he did it once it'll happen again it, once the new wears off.
As for you, don't worry yourself over the past, move on. I know that is earlier said, than done. But, it will happen, it just takes time. Try to get involved with something you enjoy doing, to take your mind off of the past.
Good luck!
2007-02-28 00:20:02 · answer #7 · answered by Don B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your ex did not suddenly become this wonderful person. Give it time, the monster will once again emerge. In time, you will also be able to move on, you need to heal first.
2007-02-27 23:50:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey, my boyfriend was cheating on me. He was a really abusive man to me but sweet to her. Now he treats her like a punching bag. Your ex, just hasn't shown his true self to her yet. He will. consider yourself lucky to be rid of him. Hang out with your friends some, it'll help you move on.
2007-02-27 23:30:21 · answer #9 · answered by ? 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
any relationship that ended always leave some pain and 12 years is a long relationship you build a life pattern every day your with him you make a decision always regarding your family
the way you dress, the way you eat the way you go shopping
the way you spend the christmas day,halloween day
your mind and body got used to it it is been program and you response to it every day
now your seperated you have to erased that pattern and you have to make one for your self and it takes time
the first time i seperated with my ex im lost too even my breakfast
im waiting for her to prepare my breakfast before i go to work i have to slap my face and said to my self do your own breakfast moron but as the time past im getting used to it of my own i prepare every thing for my self now the past is just a memory
i live by my self i do it by my self i have my own system of living
so you have to break the chain that link you two
be active and live your life to the full
goodluck
2007-02-27 23:40:57 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋