I am very religious and i try my best to be the righteous as I can but it is extremely difficult because i can't forgive my father for what he did to my family.
He emotionally abused my siblings and myself then he and physically and emotionally abused my mother and sometimes my grandmother.
And it's like the things he said to me scarred me and i stayed with me and i try so hard to ignore it but it made me so selfconscience and insecure and i try to rise from my adversities but it is easier said then done, and everyday i hope i could find it in my heart to forgive him, but its like that part went numb, cuz it feels like yesterday that i found purple and blue bruises on my mom's skin and my grandmother having difficulty breathing because of everything that was going on.
My parents are divorced if you wanted to know. And its like he did this so many times before and he always said that he was sorry but he would continue to hurt me and my family. I can't even trust him? what do i do?
2007-02-27 17:36:37 · 13 answers · asked by dancingqueen 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
You know what? Don't forgive him. Not until you can get over it by yourself, without forcing anything.
Come on, he put you and your family through so much horrible stuff. As I was reading your question, I personally felt hurt imagining how horrible it would've felt. I cannot expect to forgive anyone if they did something like that, even if they apologise later.
Ok, he is your father, true, but.... aren't your siblings, mom, and grandmother family members as well??? If you go out of your way and find it in you to forgive him, you'll be doing an immense injustice to your other family members. Unfortunately you're not in a family where you can just all resolve your differences, it has pretty much become, mom OR dad? siblings OR dad? if you just force yourself to forgive him, you'll be conveying the message, "Dad, it's ok, I understand you didn't mean to do it. It's ok". DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT???? Doesn't matter even if it's your own dad, you can't forgive him for what he did to your family.
Maybe over time, you'll deal with this near-traumatic experience and one day be able to overcome your differences with him. And when that day comes, you're not gonna be forcing yourself to feel something for him that doesn't exist. You'll realize that he's still your father. And plus, even he needs time to prove himself. After the tremendous abuse, he can't just come back and say "sorry". Let him truly feel the depth of what he did. Time is the best remedy. Don't feel bad about not being able to trust him, you shouldn't, you're not at all at fault here.
I'm very sorry about the situation :-( All you should look to do is move on without him in your life to as much extent as possible. And one day you may/may not want him back. As of now, don't make a big mistake by forcing any justifications for him.
2007-02-27 17:52:52 · answer #1 · answered by Praveen C 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It's a good thing your parents are divorced and the threat of violence has been removed from your home. Be patient, let a lot of time pass and stay away from your father. It's easier to forgive someone when you know there is no danger of the same thing happening again (because it won't happen since he's not around.) There may have been alcohol in this - he could have been or could be an alcoholic. Al-anon groups are places where people share stories like this. You can find out about a support group in your area - start by checking the Internet for information.
2007-02-27 17:53:58 · answer #2 · answered by kathyw 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is very little thing you can do for him. However you can do something for yourself. Since you said that you are religious, it would be best to open up yourself to some close friends and religious leaders (female is better), so that you can start healing process in god. Find someone with counseling degree or certificate. It is not very good to carry around such hurt and distrust. Those scars will haunt your other relationships.
As for your father, you can do two things: pray for him and hook him up with a family therapist. If he feels sorry for your mother and you, I think he should be willing to go through with the therapy.
2007-02-27 17:40:45 · answer #3 · answered by dansdna 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Use your strong religious beliefs to help you. I don't know if you are Christian, but I am, so I can only think of a Christian example. Jesus gave us a gift of a clean slate before God for all of those who know Him and truly love Him. This was a gift - we don't need to earn it & it is available to ALL, regardless of sins as long as they are truly repented. There is no judgement here. Your dad did some terrible things, but by not being able to forgive him, you are judging him. Leave that to God.
Another method I use is to think of him as a sick person (which he is or was - VERY sick), and try to show compassion, as you would for a friend who was very ill. This is easier said then done, but maybe it will help you.
Good luck. Forgiving him will help you more than him.
2007-02-27 17:45:30 · answer #4 · answered by jimmyjohn 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you just need to leave it behind and not have any contact with this person.You do not have to forgive him or forget just do not have anything more to do with him. It is hard to leave this behind but from your history I do not think any other action is possible. It is hard also to think that noone else in the family stood up to him as a parent I would not allow abusive behaviour towards my children especially not from the father. None of us are helpless there are avenues to pursue. As he appeared to have no restrictions it made his behavior worse so the rest of the family shoulders some of the blame. Put it behind you and just concentrate on your present family as they need your protection so that life is a lot happier and there are no bad memories......just lots of loving and kindness....
2007-02-27 18:22:26 · answer #5 · answered by njss 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you feel that you were really violated as in VIOLATED, and you fear for your family's and your life, go report that to the proper authority so that he will be dealt with accordingly. He must be subdued before he does this to other people too. he has no right to to this to you, your mom, or your granny. (that is if you are strong enough to have him reported to the police....) this is a decision that you have to make and once you decide to report him, please do not be fooled by his crocodile tears, if ever. and he should be punished for what he did. then go seek counseling. approach a pastor, social worker, priest, minister, psychologist or a psychiatrist. they will help you be up on your feet again. Do this before you will hate yourself for inaction. then through time, after a couple of sessions, you may be able to forgive your dad and maybe even yourself...
2007-02-27 18:00:46 · answer #6 · answered by trooper J 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The best thing you can do is to just accept who your father is/was, and move on. You can't change the past, and it's not healthy to hang on to pain. Once you let go of all the pain and anger, you will feel free. Parents do the best that they can, and they aren't perfect. I only learned this myself when I became a parent.
Maybe one day you'll be able to talk to him to let him know how you feel. I did with my dad, and things are a lot better. Life is too short to hate.
2007-02-27 17:54:45 · answer #7 · answered by HeIsMyAllinAll 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
On the one hand, it is good to forgive, and to try to understand your father's problems, and why he behaves the way he does.
On the other hand, it is bad to maintain a relationship with someone who abuses you and your loved ones.
Perhaps the best way to forgive him is to also stay away from him. You don't mention your age, but, if it is possible to keep your distance from your father, than you probably should. If he hurts you and there are no consequences, then he will continue to hurt you.
2007-02-27 17:46:14 · answer #8 · answered by knowmeansknow 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It may be too soon for you to forgive your father, but at some point you will need to forgive him in order to move forward in your life. Holding on to that hatred for your father requires a lot of energy.It will continue to drain you of your happiness. Forgiving him doesn't mean you want him back in your life, nor does it mean that what he did will ever be forgotten. Forgiving only means that you are not going to let him hold you back from being happy in your life any more.
2007-02-27 18:01:50 · answer #9 · answered by chicklette0008 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OMG,... Dis is too much,... Is he out of u, ladies life?? Yes, u mentioned dat he is,... Well, relax, okie? I understand dat he has hurt u and ur mom n grandma loads,... I know its hard to forgive him. Here are a few steps u gals can do,...
1. Stop being in contact wif him. -- Dis may sound harsh,... But, its for d best.
2. If he comes to abuse you all again, call the cops!!!
3. Be strong to face ur life's challenges. Oso, tell ur mum n grandma to be strong too.
4. Let the past go. Learn to hav faith in urself. Look at it this way, u are still luckier than other people.
5. Pray alot. Have faith in God. He shall heal all your pain.
6. Lets get sum help for urself to build up ur self confidence,... Remember, u might mean the world to sumone who care for you more than u would know. Atleast, I want u to know dat I for one, care for u.
Be strong, okie? If u nid sumone to talk to, I can be contacted at my YM nefarious_girl_2005@yahoo.com
Take care.
~mel~
2007-02-27 17:50:15 · answer #10 · answered by mel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋