Marriage-When do you finally give up?

Question

I am in a 22 year marriage that has serious problems. I have tried with all my heart to work our problems out and am told by my husband that he is trying also ( i don't feel this is true however) When do I as the wife know when it's finally time to Give Up! I have been told numerous times by my family members that I don't Know When To Give Up! Can anyone tell me when it's TRULY Time?

Answer 1

When you ask him what evidence does he have that he is trying.

Look, you said it yourself, you don't think he is trying. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. So ask him, what does his trying look like.

But be willing to answer the same question.

The more important question each of you needs to be willing to answer is will you try to love me the way I receive love?

Each of you pick one thing that speaks the most love into your heart. So you might say, I would like a short post-it note with a loving note or phrase on it several times a week. Ask if he is willing to do that.

Then ask him what he would like you to do, and then do that.

No judgments. No telling the other person that their request is "stupid" etc. Perhaps you each provide one another a list of 3-5 items and they get to choose which one or two they are comfortable with, then do them for 30 to 90 days.

It's time to quit when neither of you are willing to accept that your spouse is different from you and needs to be shown love in fashion unique to them.

If each of you insists on loving the other the way that YOU want to be loved, then you might as well quit.

You each have to accept that the other person is not you, that your way is not THE way to demonstrate love, and they are free to want to be loved in a fashion of their choosing.

Then the question is, are you willing to actually love your spouse and is your spouse actually willing to love you after each of you have made specific suggestions.

One last note, specific is key. So you can't just say be more romantic. You have to describe what romance is.

He can't say, more sex. He has to say, I'd like to make love 4x/week.

Be specific with one another.

Answer 2

You don't think your husband has changed at all? No change in attitude or anything like that? Who cares what family has to say, they don't know your true feelings for him or your history together like you two do. Why give up? What's the problem? The only reason my marriage worked is because I put my spouse before me. I do little stuff for him that he appreciates, text him with stupid messages during the day, and just have a positive attitude around him. That's all! Happiness is a choice, not someone else's responsibility. Why is divorce even an option? I don't know your problems so I guess I don't know what kind of advice I can give to you...

Answer 3

The only people who can answer your question is somebody who has been in the same boat 22 years is an awful long time to be together and to make it that far you must have done everything right, are you really ready to throw it away? first of all ask these questions- is he abusive, does he treat you with no respect, does he hit you. If so well then its worth getting out OR is he quiet, not willing to talk, doesn't clean up after himself, doesn't offer to help with anything, have past problems that could be avoided as a topic, or anything else similar to this to me is not the end of a relationship, theres still heart, but you havn't told us all the details, he could have done worse in your eyes.

Answer 4

There is specific time when someone knows, it varies by person and situation. I would say that if you havn't seen any attempt by him to resolve the problems, that you first try marriage counseling and if that doesnt work or he refuses, you may have to separate from him. Maybe it will take losing you to wake him up and get him to put some effort into the marriage. It takes two to make a marriage work.

Answer 5

I dont really know. I'm asking myself the same question. My marriage is in serious trouble too and like you i feel like giving in. I"m depressed upset and my husband never ever believes that any of our problems are his fault.
....Maybe the time to give up is when you know u just cant do anymore

Answer 6

when you firmly believe that ALL parties (kids?) will be happier/better off eventually.. Dont chase the "grass is greener" dream, it doesnt exist, just be real.
Facing single life after so many years will be extremely daunting, but you just may end up happier than you BOTH could imagine.
If you still dream of being in a nursing home 2gether in old age, then maybe you still have some mileage in your marriage yet!
remember, its not the good times that define us, its the tough ones!!!
Good luck and be true to your own heart!

Answer 7

its time to leave when all is said and done and if you can live with your self and have no regret about your action then its time to leave because that what i did i walk out after 14 years of marriage I try and try and my heart was not in it anymore i could have stay but I was dieing everyday that when i left good luck

Answer 8

It is tough, believe me....I was married for 23 years when my husband left me for his mistress. I let the separation drag on for 6 mos, but one day I finally realized he wasn't coming back and I didn't want him back, so I demanded the divorce papers. Only YOU will know when enough is enough, one morning you will wake up and it will hit you, "I don't want to continue like this anymore", you will find the strength to move on and begin to have closure. Good luck and I wish you well....

Answer 9

You never give up unless your life is in danger. i.e. - if he's a psycho or abusive.

Go to a Christian church and get counseling. My wife and I turn to God in prayer and the Bible for direction. Through prayer things can be healed between you and God can restore whatever has been lost between you and make your relationship 100x better.

Answer 10

You heart will take as much as it will take, it could be years worth of pain, or months, but when the time comes to give up, you will know it, because you wont even have to question it by then.