I need some advice from the community out there. We've been married for almost 4 years, and I've...?

Question

been completely miserable for about 2 yrs now. Above all, I really think we have just gotten too comfortable around each other, and are just best friends, more than a married couple. The love is there, just not married love. Those that are married understand what i'm saying. So, I refuse to see a counselor. I'm not big on someone getting into my head to tell me things I already know. She sees this as a sign of me giving up.....I think after 2 years of misery, i've already given this all I can. I've tried to express myself b4, but she'll just cry and run away, w/out ever facing my concerns. In turn, I've just needed to repress these concerns, and bottle 'em up. Well, now it's come to a head, and I'm thinking of leaving. Not permanently, just to clear my head. We have no kids, so they're not in the equation. And quite honestly, I think I'm already at the end of my rope. And there's no 3rd party involvement either. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

To answer a question : Yes we both do love each other, but it's a love like you'd love a friend, or even a relative (no, not West Virginia relatives :-> ). Thanks for all the answers so far, some good input.

Answer 1

Marriage is never easy that's for sure. It is easy to become bored with someone and you tend to wonder where the love is. The truth is that you have to fight for it, you have to make each day special and you have to remember that even though you love someone you are not always going to feel that love for them....truth is if we all got married for the way it made us feel in the beginning and bailed after that feeling went away there would be way more divorces then there are now. The first 5 yrs. are the hardest in a marriage and most marriage fail at this time, if you are considering bailing then you are not so committed as you think you are. Think of this, say you take a breather and your spouse starts dating someone else....how is this going to make you feel? Once you have taken a breather and dated other people you have lost that oneness that you have within a marriage, the commitment is now flawed.

Maybe the way that you try to talk with your wife is part of the problem, you cannot have a conversation that starts with.... You did this or if you would do that or your not like this anymore...etc... you have to learn to talk about your feelings like, I feel like we aren't as close as we once was...is something I did making you unhappy? You have to not lay blame but take blame even if your not at fault, I know that sounds like I'm aiming it at you but in the process of taking blame you are keeping your wife from feeling defensive and that is the point, you can't talk to someone who gets defensive. You also need to learn that you cannot keep everything in and let it build up because then you will be miserable the way you are now.

So I say try something different....make a date with your wife do something fun together. Before your date, spend your time fantasizing about your wife...we all have fantasies but purposely put your wife in your fantasy so that you will have a desire for her, remind yourself often of the reasons that you fell in love with her in the first place. At another time not during an arguement you also need to take the time to talk to her, no yelling, no blaming, just talking, see what you can do to help change what it is about her that has made you miserable, tell her that you are serious about working out your relationship but you cannot talk about something if she cries. It's going to be hard but if you want it to work without outside intervention you have to be willing to make some sacrifices to get the ball rolling. I hope this helps somewhat

Answer 2

I feel for you, basically in the same boat. Married 6 years and for the last 4 years have lived apart in the same house. Basically we're staying together for the kids (4 and 5) so my one advice is make sure you make your decision before any children are involved. My stepson was 16 yrs when he died 4 years ago and our marriage has never recovered. So my situation is a little different but the results are the same. If you do leave, you need to sit down with your wife and get her input as to what to expect while your away, for both of you. What things you two need to work on when you come back. Maybe give yourself a short period of being completely away and then maybe try to get back into the relationship as if you were dating her, There had to be something there to get you were you are so maybe try to find out what made want to marry her, Good Luck.

Answer 3

I know how you feel. There's no passion or romance, sex is boring and pretty sparse. My husband and I had the same problem. I think all marriages go through stages where the couple isn't in love. Marriage is about loving someone so much you'd do anything with them. Marriage isn't about being IN love, a common misconception. What was a remedy for our slump was a little romance. We did secret little getaways to a hotel room or he would make dinner for me by candlelight when I got home. It spices things up. Talk to her about this. Tell her you're uncomfortable seeing a therapist but instead of justing stopping there, say you'll try to change some things and compromise. Say that after X amount of time, if things aren't better, maybe you'll see a therapist. I know it sucks but I hope things work out for the best.

Answer 4

If its just a matter of being too comfortable, that you've lost the excitement of new love, then you probably aren't looking at the relationship close enough. If she died tomorrow and she could no longer be there everyday when you get home, to cook for you, and be there for you, how would you feel? Lost? Hopeless? Even more miserable? I think what you need is just something extra to get you out of the house. Because if you are with someone everyday all the time, you just run out of things to say. You get bored with each other. Its inevidable. Do something with the guys more often. and then when you get home, go out on a real date and start doing the things you use to do.
When my fiance and I get bored, so we go back to the skating ring where we met when we were kids and rekindle the puppy love. We have fun like we used to when money and bills and work didn't matter. You just need time.
When she gets upset and runs away, she just doesn't want to face the reality that her marriage is working. Sounds to me like she's trying real hard to make it work because she loves you. And if you've spent two years of misery, it means your not giving all you can to make it work because hey, your still miserable, aren't you? And maybe you're just going through some stress and depression. It may not have anything to do with her. I know I've had some pretty pitiful times where no one could make me happy and I would just cry over stupid things. It felt like my emotions would just come crashing down like big unstable walls.
My advice would be to look at the big picture. What is leaving her going to solve? Tell her that if you two can't communicate about what your feeling that she's not helping the marriage any. She can't help fix what she doesn't know is broken. She needs to know exactly what is going on in your head otherwise she can't help you. If you don't want some kind of counseling, then you need to communicate. You have to get her to listen and get her to talk about how she's feeling about what you think. No good marriage is worth giving up on just because you hit a bump in the road.

Answer 5

Y did U marry? This is a ? you, and everyone else who goes thru similar experience. A ? that I've even had to ask myself repeatedly the first 4+ years of my now 9 yr marriage. I had gotten to a point where I viewed my husband as my brother. . . We'd gone from "dogs" to brother/sister to bestfriends to lovers. . . The reality of it is, you'll have no better friend than your spouse. Often times people (I'd been guilty of the same in the past) refuse to view marriage from the God-Ordained view. I'm not talking about joining a church or synagogue or anything like that, but try doing a self study of the scriptures in regards to marriage and what GOD says about the union between a husband and his wife. You'll be surprised by what you come up with.

Marriages which have truly with-stood the challenges of time (& I don't mean those that hang in there because of their kids or financial reasons), last because the couples involved realized that the best confidant they'd ever have here on earth, the best brother/sister imaginable, bestfriend ever, is their spouse. Not only so, but when a person is "miserable," it's time for that person to do a self-search. Not to determine if they'd made a mistake in marrying (where 2 gather in His name. . .) but to determine what about themselves is the culprit.

If you think for a moment that marriage is going to be a smooth sail, you're W-R-O-N-G! Marriage is built on love, mistakes, blood and tears, heartache, sacrifices, fun, good, bad, ugliness, ups and downs, turmoil, growth, etc. That's what makes a marriage strong. . .It's what makes husband and wives grow into their respective titles. . . It's what makes a good story to pass on for generations. . . It's what proves others wrong.

People are going to tell you all kinds of things. Giving all types of advice. From "run to divorce court" to tough it out. Be mindful from where and who you receive and accept advice from. Not everyone has "right" hearts or good motives. This too goes for "Doctors and Shrinks."

Answer 6

I am also married and understand what you are going through. Sometimes married people seem to be on two different planes of existence. My husband and I have gone through this, and it seems (unfortunately) to be something everyone goes through, to an extent.
I know that you said that you don't like the idea of counseling, but maybe try looking at it in a different way: counseling helped us NOT because of the counselor herself, but because we could each hear the answers the other was giving to the questions the counselor asked about the relationship, feelings, etc... You and your wife will be able to speak, and have to be on good behavior because there is another person present- so no crying and running away. You'll just be able to listen to what the other person is going through and think about it. Sort of like talking to each other with a referee. Most counselors won't try to get in your head- if they do, find another one! Hope this helps.

Answer 7

I went through this exact same thing w/my husband after we'd been together for 3 years... But one day I was listening to the radio & this talk show came on (The show was called Focus on the Family). The guy on the radio said "Love is not always a feeling. It is a decision you make". That really struck me, because I was putting so much stock into the "feeling" of love. I was truly at the point of walking out of our relationship, but I decided that I was going to love him no matter what. Now here I am, just finishing celebrating our 10 yr anniversary & I can honestly say that I am more in love w/him than ever before! But it all started with a frame of mind, not a feeling. As far as the talking things out... YES...DO IT! It is important, but assure your wife that talking things out does NOT mean the end of the relationship!

Answer 8

It sounds like your concern is just you. You've been miserable, you don't have married love, you refuse to see a counselor, your concerns, you, you you. Have you thought about how she may feel? Why exactly is she crying? You have given up on your marriage and want out. I think you should really consider therapy. You don't already know it all. Obviously you don't know what's going on with your wife. A therapist will open your mind and see things in a different perspective. Obviously, I'm sorry to say, your only perspective is you.

Answer 9

When two people get Married, because they Love each other a lot, then that Love cannot die, maybe it is suppressed by both of you. has she ever told you that she was unhappy and she wanted more affection from you and she wanted you to show her that you Loved her? And was she affectionate, and told you that she Loved you and was happy with you? Maybe you are going through the five yr. itch, when that happens couples tend to distant themselves from their mates, and start finding fault with each other. Try to start courting her again, send her flowers and invite her out to Dinner and tell her, when you first met her, what were your thoughts of her. I am sure that this will help you, to try and make a go of your Marriage.I have been Married to my Husband for 48, going into 49 yrs. of Married life, and I do not want to think when one of us is not longer here, what will he, or I do? When we got Married we have always known that it would be a Marriage till Death do us part, because the Love we had when we married is stronger than back then, so it pains me when I learn that some couples do not try harder to make their Marriage work, but then, I do not live their lives for them, only mine so, I hope that you will be able to find a solution to your problem and I wish you both the best.

Answer 10

Do you think there is someone out there better for you ? who you could love love...?? If the answer is no then stay with her. You said you wanted to leave but not for long ...Well if you didn't love her, i mean really love her somewhere deep down .. you would wanna leave for good and get a divorce..
You need to seperate from her for a bit...but ask yourself this .. what if when you are taking this break and you finally realize you love her ..only to go back and find her with some other guy that actaully replaced you when you needed to get away..??
What if she had enough of you and lets you go when you finally find out what you want. ???

I say consling well be good..maybe couples and single therapy for yourself...Maybe you can talk to them and they can tell you what your feeling...If you ever loved her at all suck it up and go to a couple of sessions of therapy .. or maybe you can go to a preacher and your church pastor or preacher can help you.
I don't beileve in god..but i still talk to a pastor of a church and she has been a big help to me.

Hope i could help.