should I tell my husband that hes not the father of our 13 year old after all this time? He has no idea.?

Question

I feel the need to get this off my chest. Should I tell?

Answer 1

Satisfying a "need to get it off my chest" is one of the most common and *worst* excuses for telling someone something that there is.

First of all, while your husband may not be the biological father of your 13 year old, he IS your child's father. (For the sake of language here I'm going to pretend/guess you have a girl, so I can use a pronoun with ease, okay?) She knows him as her father, he knows her as his daughter. Presumably, he's cared for her emotionally, financially, and in all other respects for the 13 years she's been alive (and for the months preceding that, while you were pregnant). So to say that he's not her father is as wrong as wrong can be, and wow, talk about belittling him.

Second of all, what on earth do you hope to accomplish by telling him that he's not her biological father? Do you want to create a rift between father and daughter, to say nothing of your marriage? If you're mad with your husband on some level, please remember that you'll be hurting your daughter with this "news" as well. Perhaps irrevocably. Have you thought through the consequences?

Third, just because I feel I should ask: are you yourself absolutely positive that he's not her biological father? Unless you weren't having sex with him at the time at all, or did genetic testing, it seems to me that you actually don't know whether he is the biological father.

Do I think you should "share" this kind of news because you want to get it off your chest? Absolutely not. That's not a good reason for such "sharing." If you want to tell him for other reasons, that's a different story -- but if so, think long and hard about what it will mean, what it COULD mean, for your husband, for your daughter, for their relationship with each other AND with you, and for your marriage. Also, don't discount the possibility that your daughter would want to contact her biological father; be prepared for that possibility and also take into account what that could be like (would he welcome contact? would he be an utter a$$ thus causing her even more pain? etc.)

ETA To be clear, I'm all for honesty -- but the time for being honest about this is long gone, at least in the absence of a compelling reason. (And satisfying your need to get this "off your chest" is not a compelling reason.)

Answer 2

This is a very serious matter that not only effects your relationship with just one person but others as well. It depends on your circumstances. Are you still married? Does the child know this informatioin? Why all of a sudden would you decide to tell after all these years? I do not agree with adultry and I don't agree with keeping secrets from someone. I would say that you should let the truth be known out of respect for all the other persons this lie involves. If you do decide to spill the beans then you must expect the recoil of your actions. It will be painful and may cause you great deal of pain. It's up to you to decide whether or not its worth everyones sanity to either keep hushed or to tell.

Answer 3

Are you absolutely sure that he's not the father? Before you wreck that man's life (and that of your child's), you better make darn sure that he isn't. Go to your gynocologist and investigate paternity test options (preferably one that does not require his direct involvement) and get the test done. Once the tests are conclusive in determining that your husband is not the father, then you should be very clear as to why you're telling him. Are there health issues or genetic traits that could be passed on to your child that makes telling him inevitable? If so, tell him. If not, take it to your grave and get used to the guilt. You knowingly allowed that man to love and bond with that child as well as take financial responsibility for his/her needs. This is no longer about you and your need to get this off your chest. This about your husband and your child - their needs in this matter come first. You had 13 years to worry about you.

Answer 4

Well honestly you might want to add and don't mock me to this one cause you may get alot of rude comments.. Keeping it inside you is going to do nothing but hurt you but on the other hand you could lose your husband if you tell him.. I dont know you or the type of man you have, but me myself dont think I would have waited this long it will be so hard on him and your child. I think the sooner the better, dont put it off any longer then you have to.. And I would make it where you and him where alone and in a place were you felt right telling him.. as for me my husband loves to drive when he is upset so I would tell him and if he took off let him go and think, I am sure you have already thought about all the goods and bads, just fallow your heart and do what you think is best.. I have my email address on here if you ever need someone to talk to you can email me and I will give you my IM.. Good luck I wish you the best on this... Lots of Love Indiana

Answer 5

That's really something you have to decide for your self, you know your husband more than anyone here so you know how he'd react to the bad news. I agree that this should of been said along time ago, but I'm sure he would still love the child like his own even if you did tell him I just don't know what it would do to your relationship. If he loves you alot he may look past it but there will always be a trust issue between y'all. Honesty is the best policy but ****! It's been 13 years so dig deep and figure out on your own, like I said you know ur husband better than anyone of us!

Answer 6

I have to say, this is wrong in so many ways. You should have been honest with your husband 13 years ago.... He has a right to know...he's been paying for a kid that's not his and her real father has no clue that he's a daddy??? What would you have done if she had cancer or something and they had to test both of your bone marrows to see if it matched hers.... how would you explain that? or blood?? He should have known from teh start, not waiting for so long before finding out.
He has the right to know but I don't see this going over well for him.... he's going to be angry and rightfully so, and then likely ask who the father is and why you cheated on him.... I hope you're ready to get all those questions asked that you don't want to hear, and I hope you really think about everything and I hope that the child knows the truth someday as well, and that the real father will be in the childs life, even if just to see how the kid is doing from time to time.

This is a bad situation to be in but I think you really need to come clean....for all of you! And don't be keepin that stuff from him anymore...he deserves honesty from you.

Answer 7

You should have told him 13 odd years ago.

You need to tell him now, but you will need to be sensitive to his hurt. The last thing you want is for this to happen by accident through blood checks.

You will also need to tell your 13 year old the truth also, they both have the right to know. However, deal with your husband first and give him time to recover before tackling that.

It will be important he is present when you tell your child so that he can reassure them of his feelings for them, the teen will also be hurt and will require sensitive handling.

As you see you have hurt both of them not just because you didn't tell them but by your actions some 14 years previously.

I would suggest you see a family counsellor before you tell them, to firstly get advice as to how to handle this and secondly to have someones details on hand that they can speak with, as they will need help if they are to get over the anger of the betrayal and deception.

Answer 8

If you do you going to rack two people lives here, I can't say living a lie is a good thing, but this one should be left alone you have to deal with you inner demons but if you love this man and your son let it be. He may not be the father but this is the only dad your son has grown to love and respect, don't take that away from him.

And on the other hand maybe both on them turn on you hate you then how will you feel? Start to day to love them both more then anyone could love another human being.

You have more to use here then you think, the love of a good man and the love of you, son.

Good luck

Answer 9

The real choice is, do you admit to lying to him for 13 plus years, or do you lie to him for the rest of your lives together?

You never know how he will take it. He may just feel hurt, but love you enough to forgive you, or he may feel totally deceived and leave you. Does the real father know? WOuld you tell him? He should owe child support for the child, which, in effect, your husband has been paying.

My suggestion is to talk to your pastor about it first. In any case, you two will need marriage counseling -- whether you tell him now, or continue to lie to him.

Good luck.

Answer 10

I really am all about honesty, but I'm not kidding you. This is one that I would keep to myself. If you were going to tell him, it should have been 13 years ago.

Now, he's going to feel like you've been spending the last 13 years taking advantage of him.

I would keep it a secret... If it's going to be more stress to feel guilty as opposed to the stress of possibly losing your husband, though, tell him.

I know that I wouldn't say a word, though. Not after the time that has passed.