Is this poem good? If you have ever seen Def Poets be4 this is a kind of poem that would be on it?

Question

This poem is supposed to flow with the rhymes not really a cheesy rhyming one...if u have seen Def Poets u would know wat i mean...i suggest watching Def Poets...its on at midnight on HBO...its really good...i watched it once and it inspired me....you should hear what they talk about...also a lot of them are teenagers like me so i thought it was cool....but ya...this poems called No Celebration
Selling drugs on the street,
Packing some heat
Figure living in the ghetto they’ve already been beat
Instead of rising above it, it’s another repeat
Forced down, to scared to get up on their feet
It’s either the street or flipping’ burgers
Either burglars or murderers
Having no clue what to do
Just following the walk way
All cracked and all broken
Not knowing where it’s going
The population just keeps on growing and growing…..

Except for that kid who knows what’s wrong
Knows how to stay strong
Knows he has to make a name for himself
To break the chain
To break the stereotype
To break the duplication of the temptation
And having the admiration of salvation
Now that deserves a celebration…

There’s no celebration
Were to busy focusing on ourselves
Focusing on prosperity
Focusing on material goods
Not looking at what’s going on in the hoods
To busy to help one another
To busy to hold a hand out to each other
To busy to help that single mother
Or that brother growing up with out a father

What about the people
Being made fun of because of their religion
Because they where a yarmulke on their head
Or because they wear a burqa that covers their face
People being made fun of because of their race
It’s a disgrace.
Today everything is so judgmental
What gives people the right to be that detrimental?

And the people living on the street
No money, flat broke,
Nothing but a ripped cloak
Begging on the street for some loose change
But people just walk by thinking he’s strange
How can people do it?
It likes there’s nothing to it
See someone in need’
Don’t do a good deed,
It’s because of their greed.

Growing up in a orphanage
No mother, no father
Few care and others don’t bother
Kid’s think they’re worthless
That no one loves them
Pushes them to the edge
Makes them want to walk of the ledge

Except for that kid who knows what’s wrong
Knows how to stay strong
Knows he has to make a name for himself
To break the chain
To break the stereotype
To break the duplication of the temptation
And having the admiration of salvation
Now that deserves a celebration…

There’s no celebration
There’s no explanation
All there is duplication

Answer 1

uhhh a bit long, but execellent.

Answer 2

Well, presentation is 70% of the battle. My first and only spoken word I didn't have my poem memorized, so. . . memorize it!!! Learn from my mistake if you haven't already.

But let's take at a few lines.




"The population just keeps on growing and growing….."

While the population may be growing, this line doesn't really make sense in the context of your poem. If you're packing heat, then I would assume people are dying. Given, the population IS increasing, but you need to back this up or put it in a different part of the poem that makes sense.



"Just following the walk way"

What walk way? The alley? The walk way to heaven? It's just too plain, add an adjective to describe the "walk way" For example,

"Just following the broken way"
...........................another day"





Then, "Because they where a yarmulke on their head"
Wear. Wear a yarmulke. Not "where". Obviously doesn't matter orally, but if you have to submit this written anywhere...




"All there is duplication" - - - two is's for this, OOOR... a long pause, to emphasize the word duplication. or you can make the second "is" more powerful



As far as the content of the poem, you seem to be covering a few too many different ideas. Kind of like writing an essay, you want to stay focused on one topic - even though in spoken word you NEED a lot of words to spit out.

I'd cut out the religion part, doesn't really fit - but just try to focus on one idea and elaborate on it.

Good stuff & good luck - may your words persuade and enrage.

Answer 3

I love it, man!! Dude, like it could be a rap. HECK NO if it's a poem. I could see it on the top 10 on KIIS FM if you got a famous rapper to sing it and stuff!! So, man you can, like submit it to a singer or rapper like ex: [e-mail] or [e-mail] etc. (those are reale) or call in KIIS FM. Just do it!!