Is this an Intimacy Problem?

Question

My boyfriend isn't affectionate at all. We kiss and hug, but not as often as I'd like. We don't hold hands, but we do cuddle on occasion. We have been together for 3 years, and in the beginning he was more affetionate, but that has steadily declined other the last year and half. We have a great relationship in other aspects. We get along well, enjoy laughs and we definetly love each other. But, the lack of affection bothers me. When I bring it up, he tells me that I know he's not an over touchy feel kind of guy. I respect that, but sometimes I just need to feel that comfort.

Does he have an intimacy problem? For what I know of his past releationship it ended badly. His ex cheated on him after being together for two years, and the rest of the time she was somewhat mainpulative.

Could that have something to do with it? Need Serious Advice Only!!

Answer 1

i was in this situation with my ex (im male btw)
and i took two courses of action.
either i would be very affectionate with her and she would return it.
or this one thing i tried, was to ignore her without being too bold, she wasnt aware i was ignoring her but i think when she thought i wasnt being very affectionate with her she seemed to be affectionate to me and then i would return it. not something id reccomend because it could cause further problems, but it seemed to work somehow.

Answer 2

It sounds like that he's just what he says he is: not an over touchy feely kind of guy.

1) You guys are having a great relationship. Provided that both of you are happy and that there's no reason for either of you to not like the other, there's no reason for him to not want to be close to you.

2) You guys have been together for 3 years, I assume that during those three years, you two have learned a lot about each other. This means that there should be no reason for him to be uncomfortable with you (unless you've changed dramatically recently)

3) Yes, it sounds like his ex is pretty bad, and there is a distinct possibility that it is affecting his intimacy with you, that he is afraid of become close to someone else in fear of the pain that he has experienced before. However, we (or at least I) don't know this for sure, and it is not right to assume this is true as it can lead to bad consequences.

So what happens now? Well, in a relationship, both parties can contribute. In fact, both parties MUST contribute.

You need to feel that comfort of him being close to you, which is totally understandable! However you need to understand that he doesn't want to do that (as much) right now because he's not that kind of guy! And there could be many reasons for him to be like that, but in the end, all that matters is that he is, and that trying to make him more affectionate will only make him uncomfortable.

Now for him. Well there is really nothing you can do. The way he is now is the way he is, and there is no way that another person can change that.

However, that doesn't mean that you can't help. So talk to him. Tell him what you need and understand what he needs. In a relationship, it is rare that both sides win, and if neither side can totally win, both sides must compromise, which is what you two need to do right now.

Answer 3

If what you need is human touch you could place your hand on his shoulder or touch him in other non invasive or aggressive ways.
If he does not mind and provided all other areas of your relationship with him are fine, then you must learn accept him as he is.