my husband cheated...?

Question

It has been nearly nine months since I discovered my husbands infedilty. We have been going to counseling once to twice a week to deal with the aftermath. My husband has made a complete change and I sincerely believe he regrets what he has done. We are going to renew our wedding vows to mark a new beginning. While I have found it in my heart to forgive my husband for his betrayal, I cannot fathom forgiving the other woman. I need to let this anger and hostility go for my own sake and sanity. I cannot imagine how I can forgive her, for she knew he was a married man with children and she continued the affair for nearly 6 months and it was he who ultimately ended it. I love my husband and I want to continue our life together, as husband and wife, and as parents to our beautiful children. I am having trouble finding reason to forgive her, the other woman, who willingly placed herself into our marriage. I want to forgive her for my own good. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

She definitely does not deserve forgiveness.

Answer 2

Your husband also knew he was a married man with children and continued the affair for nearly 6 months. Or did you just pop up out of the woodwork one day saying "Surprise honey I'm your wife and these are your children". If he didn't WANT to have the affair he shouldn't have entered into it to begin with, yet you can forgive HIM and not her? Excuse me but HE is the one who was married and had the kids and CHOSE to be in an adulterous relationship right? So she knew he was married with kids...he still ultimately made the choice. Unless she had him bound and gagged held a gun to his head...Give me a break. I would forgive her first before I'd forgive him. Your HUSBAND willingly placed the other women into your marriage. She just took him up on his offer.

Answer 3

Others have already pointed out that the blame for the affair was 50/50 - but it's more complicated than that. You forgive your husband because of the fact that you're married to him, you have an interest in your relationship with him. It's easier to forgive one we love than one we don't know. I'm of the opinion that unless one asks for forgiveness, you are under no obligation to grant it. Has she come to you and apologized for what she did? Probably not - so until she does so, there's nothing wrong with not forgiving her.
Forgiving her is NOT going to be easy, and it may never be complete. Try pitying her first - how good of a person could she be to do what she did? How little respect for herself to spend 6 months of her life on a man she could never keep, a man that was going home to his wife each night? Let's ignore the fact that your husband had a wife and kids at home, and was clearly "spoken for" - loving him as much as you do, can you blame her for falling for him? (Yes, you can still blame her for ACTING on those feelings).
Remember, in the end it's HIM you love, HIM you live with, HIM you're committed to - she is of no importance to you. When the angry thoughts start creeping in, switch over to your feelings for him mentally. Focus on your renewed marriage - and the anger will fade with time.

Answer 4

I understand your pain, however, blaming the other woman will not help. U have to understand that, a person cannot take what does not want to be taken. Hubby was willing to participate in the act. For whatever reason, he felt the need to have her company.

As far as her knowing he was married with children, sometimes that isnt an issue. He made her feel like it was ok. Whether he told her he was unhappy or even planning on leaving. She probably didnt want anything other than a fling with him. She may have had her share of losers and didnt want commitment. THis is why she chose to have an affair with a married man. She knew she was safe and wouldnt have to worry about him wanting anything more.
Its never ok to do any of this. However, I made the mistake once. He was separated at the time, then we began seeing one another. A couple months later, he went back to the wife, and his two sons. We ended it. But, a short while later, rekindled it, with my knowing he was with her. It was hard for me, but i cared for him. I am not sure what i expected. But, ultimately, i just couldnt handle doing it to her. I didnt want it done to me. I ended it. I have paid dearly for it, as karma has bit me in the butt a time or two.
So, dont worry, she will pay one way or the other. Its just a matter of time.
But, regardless the reason, dont worry about her anymore. She is no longer important. Focus on what means the most to u. He did this, but is with u and thats whats important.
I wish u luck and a wonderful new future.

Answer 5

Honey if you have chosen to forgive your hubby, then u need to understand that he's the one that betrayed u. Unless the woman that he was screwing around with for those 6 months was a friend to you, she owes u nothing. Don't allow your anger towards her to delay your healing. Unfortunately 6 months is a long time, i'm sure there are those little thoughts in the back of your mind that make u wonder if it will get any better and if GOD brought it together, NO ONE can tear it apart. Have faith, and trust in GOD and everything will turn out fine.
Good Luck.

Answer 6

You can forgive her for what she did but you do not have to like what she did. I had the same thing happen. I know the "Other woman". Let go of the anger and don't trust her around your husband. Don't leave her in situations that they would be alone together. I know you think you need to forgive her but you will never truly trust her or forgive her. But the anger, hurt and wanting to strangle her for doing it will get better over time.

Answer 7

This is a head game in your mind. Only you can have the heart to forgive this woman, even if she doesn't know you have forgiven her. You HAVE forgiven your husband, and you HAVE worked things out. This woman shouldn't be on your mind day in and day out. You have to be the bigger person and just come to the conclusion that you have made it through these tough times with your husband and that your husband was able to stop and come back to the one he had vowed his love to. Please take this advice, and if YOU feel it in your heart to forgive this woman, then please do. But if you can't conclude that it is worth it, then don't go living your life being bitter about her, because you have children that need a mother who is always there. Not just physically, but mentally too. Also, don't neglect your family because you have not forgiven her. She isn't worth it. Good luck dear.

Answer 8

My best friend was in a situation like that.
She was the other woman. At first she did not know. And she did not become the other woman wanting to destroy the family. She honestly fell deeply in love, she thought she was helping (I am not suggesting that your husband said cruel things about you; however, since he cheated, and if the affair was 6 months long, I am sure, and you know this, too, that he did not say to the other woman - go away, I am a happily married man). No, my friend thought she could make him happy, and she was just as greedy and selfish as the man wanting to have an exiting sidething, whatever you call it on his part. She ended it eventually, feeling used, since she realized he was not going to end his marriage.
So, in order for you to forgive the other woman, maybe, just maybe you can imagine her being in love, hoping to catch this wonderful man (that you fell in love with), and that she was just trying to be happy like we all do, not trying to destroy your life...
I have to admit, I do admire your strength - I could forgive the other woman, not my husband!

Answer 9

Why do you need to forgive her? Who cares about her? And holding her MORE responsible then your husband is such a form of denial....yeah, maybe she chose to have an affair with a married man but YOUR husband is the one who was married with those kids, etc. How is she more at fault? And more importantly, why are wasting precious energy worrying about forgiving her? I cannot fathom it. If you have forgiven him and trust him now, that is ALL that matters but please do not blame the other woman for the affair. He is a grown man - he is responsible for his actions. She is no longer a part of the equation and her motives/culpability/remorse DOESN'T MATTER! On that note, I hope everything works out for you : )

Answer 10

Oh I am so SORRY to hear of that. But it's nice to see you and your husband are trying.

Has she asked you for your forgiveness?
Who ever said you had to forgive her? your forcing your self to do something that you can not even FATHOM, why? maybe your asking to much of your self right now. Their is plenty of time left to forgive the lady who obviously didn't care about you and your family. So don't push your self so hard. Right now focus on your life with your husband, take baby steps... okay because your are dealing with so much right now. Believe me it's okay to be angry at the Beeatch, HO, TRAMP, PIG LADY! I understand....let the anger go little by little these things take TIME! take all the time you need.
I wish you the best!

Answer 11

Here's a little story... a woman (girl) that I know made it incredibly clear to my husband that if he ever wanted to sleep with her (after we were married for about a month) that she would always be willing. Thankfully, he did not. Another friend of ours got deployed to Iraq for a year. Her husband ended up in bed with this same woman (girl), as far as everyone suspects. I think that someone who is willing to break up a marriage would do it to anyone, not just you and yours. Therefore, I would not see the need to truly forgive her.