Was my wife selfish to withold sex during pregnancy?

Question

My wife and I didn't have sex from the time she found out she was pregnant until 5mos after the birth. During the pregnancy, (no complications) I dropped some hints and showed plenty of affection, but I didn't complain, she was carrying my baby. After the birth, I gave her a few months before "dropping hints." Would I have been wrong to be more persistent? Was she being selfish? She is witholding again due to pain issues and doesn't feel compelled to find another way to please...

We have an otherwise healthy relationship and I give plenty of attention and help around the house...

Answer 1

This isn't really an answer but its interesting that there is an almost exact split between women saying she isn't selfish and men saying she is. I'm going through the same thing, though not as far along as you. Over a year is a really long time. I myself saw it coming. We had a conversation about my fears. Nothing came of it except we both knew what I was feeling. I prefer to think of life as long, so a year is a drop in the bucket of your lives together. It also forces you to decide if sex is so important that the loss of it changes how you feel about your wife. I won't hazard any opinions there. In the end, it may not be preferred, but I discovered it gives me a sort of carte blanche on late night porn viewing. There's something else to be gleaned from this. There aren't very many men like you in the world and you obviously care very much for your wife. So feel lucky and special, take time to make sure she knows that you're patient, but this sort of intimacy is important to you, and remember that her sex drive builds as she gets older. You'll get yours eventually.

Answer 2

She may not of been withholding during pregnancy. It's not true that when your pregnant you "want it" all the time. When I was pregnant with both of my children I was the complete opposite. If she says it's because of pain issues I would NICELY suggest that she really go see her doctor. By the way she's probably a bit tired now with the baby and all. Talk to her about it in a concerning way. Most men use sex as a way to feel close to their wife. She may feel embarrassed about what the baby has done to her body. Try going out on a date or maybe making a reservation at a hotel with a whirlpool and have the evening be about just you two. Don't pressure her though to have sex.

Answer 3

wow. that's 60 weeks without sex. you are having some serious sex issues...

if she wasn't sick and feeling unsure about her body, and those things that a woman goes through, then she was defiantly not being nice.

i made love to my hubby right up until about a week &1/2 b 4 we had our daughter. i was huge, and sick all the time. but i wanted to be with him. feel close to him,in a way that only sex can do.

if you don't talk to her then you will never find out what the problem is. she may have resented 'you' making her pregnant... i dunno. just a suggestion.

i hope that you are on your road to recovery, and that you get some lovins' soon, or you are going to explode. and by the sounds of it righty so.

thank you for all women though for not 'pushing' the issue with her, while she was pregnant. that is called respect. and we appreciate it.

ps. stop dropping hints and take some action.... be a little more demanding. we may not say it,but we like it when men take charge...

GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 4

I don't know if selfish is the right word. It's hard for some women to feel sexual when they're carrying a baby. And then afterward it's even harder because all day long your giving yourself completely to this little person and it's exhausting. And then, once they go to sleep you finally have your body back and then your husband wants a piece of it!

You speak of your problem like it's in the past. If it is in the past, then just let it go. You were being a good, supportive husband and I'm sure she appreciates it. If your still going through it, then speak up to her. "Dropping hints" doesn't usually work but open communication does. Now that she's withholding again, your feeling resentful so you really have to talk to her about this before your resentment starts coming out in other ways.

Answer 5

You've had a lot of comments/answers, but I just had to add in my 2-cents! I am 37-weeks pregnant, have no urge to have sex, and yet, I still do it or do other things to please my husband. I don't feel like he should be punished simply because my libido is all but gone. This wasn't a planned pregnancy, and even if it were, we both had a part in it. Now, I did have my husband wait until my morning sickness passed (it was both morning and night sickness, lucky me), but that was as far as I went. As soon as I was able to after my son was born, we went back to our routine. And before I was able to, I still pleased my husband. We have a partnership, a great relationship. You need to have a talk with your wife. If you have a good relationship, it should be all right. Be honest and all should work out. Maybe she's got insecurities or something. Listen and be supportive. You're a good husband for not pressuring her. Good luck!

Answer 6

Hormones are wicked bad at killing a womans sex drive when pregnant. Some women want it more than they ever have before and some can't stand the thought of it.
I can sort of understand her not wanting intercourse as often, but she should have taken care of her husbands needs.
There are times when I don't feel up to it, but I always make sure my husband is taken care of. If she didn't want actual sex, there are other things she could have done to please you.
I am suprised that you're still holding out!! God bless you!!
There are so many men that would have been unfaithful by the end of the 2nd month of no sex.
You are a true man. I think your wife was indeed being a tad selfish. It's important for a woman to think of her husbands needs as well as her own.

Answer 7

Pregnancy changes a womens hormones. Im sure she realizes this. And i can relate :( my hubby and i have been together for 5 years and im 24 weeks pregnant, our sex life has changed in a huge way. We use to have sex about 2-3 times a week, now it averages about once a week. Its not that i dont want it, i do. Im just wore out. We have four boys under the age of 8. Two are step sons and two are my own. I do all the housework, all the kids work, and he works long hours. By the time he comes home, we get the kids to bed, and i usually fall asleep the moment we hit the bed. I just cant help it. Im wore out.... I have nothing against my hubby and i dont mean to with hold sex from him. I try to please him in other ways, though i wish we could get back to the way things are, at this point its hard being a stay at home mom of 4 boys and being 24 weeks pregnant. I feel unattractive, i feel tired, im sick all the time. I will try harder, though he doesnt complain, im sure he feels like you do. Maybe i should take that as a hint and try harder :) thanks so much you also helped me, i hope i helped you :)

By the way as long as you have love in your relashionship, and you know she loves you then i wouldnt make her feel any worse then she probably already does, I think alot of the people that commented above me arent looking at the whole picture. Life is busy and sometimes that affects how people handle things, including their sex life.

Answer 8

It is quite a drastic measure for sure. Maybe she could talk to her Dr. for reassurance that it is okay to have sex. Isn't going to hurt the baby at all. I can understand not wanting any near the end cause one feels like a beached whale and the baby is down pretty far. But from the day of conception is ridicules. If she doesn't like the touching because of breast tenderness or whatever, just don't do that. Compromise, do it more than she wants, yet less than you want. Make her feel pretty because she is p.g. You know, the "glow" and all that.

Answer 9

I dont think she is being selfish. My hubby n I have only had sex 3 times in the past 12 weeks. Its uncomfortable for some women to have sex while they are pregnant and some women worry about the health of their child. Worries get in the way and its a turn off. She isnt trying to control you in any way and if she is dealing with pain issues then who wants to have sex when theyre sick and hurting?

Answer 10

Well if she's not in the mood, she's not in the mood for anything. Even to do other things she'd have to be in the mood for it.

I don't think it sounds like she's witholding on purpose.

Try going out of your way to do something for her, surprise her with a special gift, take her out to a movie and get away from the baby for awhile. Maybe that'll set a mood....