What do you think of this?

Question

Aura of the Rose


A single red rose rests upon a grand piano, relishing in its own delicate beauty. The room contains no walls, its boundaries are limitless. A rich, midnight black is present throughout the atmosphere. Though the room exists boundless, the rose possesses a divine aura which blossoms in the eyes of many. It signifies a vast number of things; Loneliness..Hope...Romance..Solitude... Yet, somewhere, with all its meanings, lies a hushed heavenly elegance.


(Please be honest in giving constructive criticism.. Please don't just say "it's good" or "it's bad", be helpful with your answer, even if you don't like it, explain why)

NOTE:

AFTER "ROMANCE..." IT SHOULD READ "SOLITUDE.." NOT "SO..."

(sorry about the error)

Answer 1

Not too bad. But "relishing in" doesn't really work for me. Look up the meaning of "relish" -- you can relish something, but not really relish IN. It could flow a bit more -- some extraneous words could be cut and some passive verbs made active. Final line about "Somewhere . . . lies a hushed heavenly elegance." also does not scan right for me -- elegance doesn't "lie" in that sense, it IS. Just my thoughts!

Answer 2

A red rose on a grand piano in a black room? Kind of obvious, isn't it? I feel like I've seen that image a million times before.

You are obviously interested in the sound and feel of language but I think you need to consider its technical aspects far more. A rose cannot relish "in" its own delicate beauty; a rose cannot feel emotion at all. Furthermore, how can a divine aura blossom? How can black be present in an atmosphere? Do heavenly elegances really lie? And do they lie with meanings? Why is everything anthropomorphised? Your sentences are just lush words without any sense of meaning.

You've tried to impart meaning to the piece by adding a simple explanation: "It signifies a vast number of things", and here's a list of them. Good writers don't have to write a metaphor and follow it with "By the way, this signifies loneliness, hope and romance." The reader should be able to work that out for him or herself.

I think you would benefit greatly from thinking much harder about what you're trying to say. It would also be useful to read some books by authors who write the sort of literature you're aiming at. I think you might enjoy Angela Carter or Toni Morrison.

Answer 3

I thought that the whole thing was bit cliched, well written but still kind of prosaic.

I didn't particularly like the part where you try to explain the significance of it. You should let the description stand on its own and let the reader produce their own understanding of it.

You should delete everything after "...which blossoms in the eyes of many."

Also, I think the format should be changed. Maybe to something like this:

A single red rose
rests upon a grand piano,
relishing
in its own delicate beauty.

The room contains no walls,
it boundaries are
limitless. A rich,
midnight black is present
throughout the atmosphere.

etc...

That is just a rough example of what I meant, it certainly isnt perfect.

Answer 4

a bit choppy, sounds like attempt at first advertisement.

There is no linkage between the room and the rose. Nor a linkage to the color?

Answer 5

I liked it. All the words seem to flow together and paint a vivid picture of what you're saying.

Answer 6

Very descriptive and captivating. I love it!

Answer 7

very trite, reeks of self conceidence. you should get over yourself, or try to maintain a sense of humbleness when writing. We see right through you...

Answer 8

i like it. it's very deep and the symbolism is very powerful.