I know people are trying to help, but why do people who have never been a victim of domestic abuse?

Question

try to offer advice. It really gets me when they say, "why don't you just leave" or "why dont you get an order of protection".
They don't understand, they think it is easy to just leave. And about the order or protection, what are you supposed to do with that, wave it in his face as he is pounding the crap out of you? By the time the cops are called, it is to late, and when they get there they don't want to do anything because they didnt see it happen?
Does this bother anyone else?

Thank you all for caring, but I am not in an abusive relationship now. I was in one for 13 years, but I got out. It took me years to realize that I could leave and he would never change. It was very hard to leave, there is a lot to it that some people just dont understand. Thus, the question.

Answer 1

I know what you mean ,I was a victim of domestic abuse not onnly by my husband but also by my son. I recieved much advice from people who were never abused and in the women shelter I recieved the same advice from some one who was never abused and never had a relationship other then dating these people think that leaving is something you can just do, pack-up and leave but try doing that with ten kids and no job it is not going to happen and the order of protections are a joke unless the people invovled are law abiding in the first place. The problem with my son was easy to handle, the juvenile courts took care of that, but with my husband it was a different matter altogether when the abuse got so bad the the neighbors were all calling the police and the fear was so great on my part that the police had to call the fire department to get me off a rotten porch roof, they took me to hospital and found that he had broken both my arms seven ribs, one leg in the lower part and put a hair line crack in my femer bone. They said there was no way for him to get out of this one this time and yet when it went to court all he got for the abuse was 30 days and 60 days for fleeing from the police of couse at that time if the abuser pled guilty then no medical records or files could be open at the trial from what I understand now it is different at least in the state of Ohio, but what got me was that even with the courts giving me an order of protection, upon his release it was still me even with all my injuries that had to leave my home and it was my home it was in my name, his name was not on the deed , so into the womens shellter I went and in there I was constantly moved from one shelter to another because when he was released from jail He told the cops that " I am going to kill that ***** when I find her!!!"
It took a divorce and 21 moves before he stopped. I lost my house and everything else except for a small suit case full of clothes in trying to get away, from him. It has taken almost 15 years to recover from that experience and to get back on my feet, and I still have nightmares that they say may or may not go away . AS I see it there should never be people giving advice to victims of abuse unless they have been there and know how the system works because unless they understand what is going to happen to the victim of the abuse and the way the system works they do not realizes just what the victim suffers at the hand of the abuser and the hands of the system, when you try to fight. I know everyone says that my case is rare but from other abuse victims I have talked to believe me when I say no it is not until the system quites looking at the victim as a victim, and see this person as just that a person then the injustice on the victim is just going to keep going on, the people involved in these cases need to understand and the only way to understand it, is to have lived thru it.

Answer 2

It is always easier to assume you would know what to do when put into certain situations. It is so easy to say "you should do this or that", but until that person has walked in your shoes, they have no idea what you are experiencing. To say they would never allow that to happen or would do "x" or "y" is ridiculous. Nobody knows how they will react to something until faced with it. There are too many factors to consider and it isn't as easy to leave an abusive relationship as people think. We don't ask to be abused because we stay, sometimes we don't have a choice. Kids, jobs, safe place to stay, family and friends all contribute to the reasons why a woman may or may not leave an abusive relationship.

Answer 3

Because to save our life we cant understand why someone would stay with a men that beats them black and blue! Dont be an idiot no you dont wave the order of protection in his face while hes beating you, but you dont open the door when he comes around either. Most people with orders of protection carry a cell phone so if that person comes around when their not near their home phones. Also the police dont have to see a thing! If you have marks when they get there, hes going to jail. and you always have the right to sign a warrant at the police dept. So skip the im the victim act. There are many places that make it easy to leave they help you until you get on your feet. No there not going to feed and raise you the rest of your life but they will give you a safe place to live while you get an education or job. If you stay with a person that beats you, you will end up beaten down, in the hospital, or dead. And IF YOU have kids your teaching your sons to act like daddy and daughters that its ok to be beaten. If you have kids this is a form of child abuse and your kids would be better off in foster care, while you figure out easy.

Answer 4

No what does bother me as someone who has been a victim of domestic abuse is the excuses people make up not to get a court order of protection. This is the best advice someone can give you and don't be around the abuser so he can pound the crap out of you. Why not leave? I did and it was the best thing I could have done.

Answer 5

i have started this answer 4 times but you are right i dont have first hand info on domestic abuse i have second hand after spending many years helping my sister run for her life time and time again only to go back to the same man that two weeks ago beat her bloody or better yet fired a gun at her over and over while she ran around the house trying to keep him from their children from her words she kept trying to make it work for the kids thats crap these kids were raised scared to death and are now adults dealing with many issues themselves the protective order isnt the best thing we have but its a start and it will work if its made to work we cant just be defeated and say there is no way out not as long as we are breathing working within the system is like watching paint dry but its just about all we have

Answer 6

It's not as simple as it seems. There is a whole pattern which has been formed and cultivated, and has a strong hold on the abuser and the victim. It is not as easy as just physically leaving, for along time the victim has been emotionally and mentally confined, so their belief system has been altered. Even when they do leave physically, their emotions and mind may still be tied in or controlled by the abuse.

Answer 7

Well I think we don't understand why you would date someone like that in the first place?

That would never happen to me b/c I would never even associate with a man that acted that way. And yes, I would "just leave." The second a man even said something hinting at an anger problem/jealousy/misogyny I would be out of there. I truly don't understand why you wouldn't be able to just leave, or how women end up with abusers anyways.

It's not that hard to tell who is a nice person and who isn't. True sociopaths that can hide their true colors like and pretend to be a nice person are rare.

Answer 8

i have a sister who takes a beating from her husband and i thought that it would be just as easy for her to just leave him. she got a hold of a protection order and at the time that i began to live with her she only had 5 kids. he got drunk one day, got upset, ripped a phone off the wall and threw it at me because i was trying to keep innocent children away from seeing this, he began to hit her with a shoe in the stomach while accusing her of cheating on him. then the fight went outside, where the neighbors could see and hear, and he tried to run over her with a van. when he finally got out of the van and somewhat calmed down, she wanted to use my phone. i thought it was to call the cops on him but she was really calling his father to see if he could calm him down. i overheard his father offering a shotgun to shoot my sister if she decided to call the cops. i called and eventualy the cops did arrive. but everything had already calmed down by then, and the cops just shrugged and mentioned that there are more important things to do than to deal with another domestic abuse situation and left it at that. i understand that it is never easy to just leave or to get a protection order because even those are not enforced. i got to see first hand how cops deal with those situations and promptly moved out. now i know what to look for in a relationship and what not to look for because of witnessing this.

Answer 9

Yes it does, absolutely. The level of empathy shown here by some, stuns me. You need realistic answers, not ideas from people who have no clue what you've been through, how you feel, or what you face daily.

I am not in an abusive relationship now, thank God, but I do have a lot of experience with them. I'm in one to one counselling now.
I've taken a bunch of group therapy courses, and learned a lot about the levels and kinds of abuse.

It's discouraging to read simple answers, and I understand. I'm open to talk with you on e-mail, if you like.

Answer 10

Well people only know what they would do, they don't necessarily understand your situation. Think about if you were on the outside looking in on your situation. You would be really concerned and would figure that getting the person out of that situation NOW is the most logical conclusion. Have you set goals for yourself to get out of that situation? If not, now might be a good time to start planning your exit.