I'm at my wits end....?

Question

OK, I'll try to make this short. I cheated on my husband, no reason there never is any I was wrong. I wanted to seperate (not 2 b w/ anyone else, just felt if I could do something like that n my marriage my heart wasn't n it). Due 2 financial situation we still live together but make it clear we r seperated & "free & clear". Lately we've been enjoying each others company nothin serious just letting what happens happen. Since we've seperated I go out w/ my friends quite a bit but this past wkend, I told him we would hang out & we did & had a great time. Last night I went to have a few drinks with a gf & when I got back I asked him to sleep n the bed w/ me (he sleeps on the couch). Well this morning he wakes me up when he comes out of the bathrm & looks at my "female area" like he was trying to find something. After hours of trying 2 find out what was it about he says he seen some hairs in the toilet that didn't look like mine. THERE IS HAIR ALL OVER MY BATHRM!

I know he has reason to not trust me but why would I spend the wkend with him, ask him to sleep with me last night if I was still up to no good? He tried to say later he made it all up but I know it wasn't true. I don't know what to do...

I meant hair from my head, lately I've been under a lot of stress from other things and my hair has been coming out a lot and he knows that, I go to the Dr. tomorrow for it.

I'm not seeing anyone else, nor do I want to, I hang out with my female friends thats ALL

Answer 1

I've read all your other questions so I'm going to do my best to address all of your issues with this answer. Infidelity is the ulitmate relationship killer. Once there is infidelity, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible to salvage a healthy relationship with the same person (whether it be the cheater, or the cheated). At this point you have to ask yourself "Do I love him?" And be honest with yourself. If you truly love him, you'll do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. Don't get me wrong, nobody wants to have to submit DNA samples and go through cavity searches every time you come home but you have to understand that you've made your bed, and its' up to you whether or not you want to lay in it. The bottom line is that you cheated. I'm sure you've beaten yourself up enough about it but it is what it is. And if you want this relationship to work, and I mean really want it to work, you're going to have to endure some undesireable circumstances until you have your husband's trust again. Make no mistake about it, it is going to take a VERY long time. But if you love him, there will be no question in your mind as to whether or not it's worth it.

I've been a marriage/relationship counselor for 5 years and what I can tell you is that men almost never take back their wives if their wife had been unfaithful. On the flip side, women almost always take back their husbands if the situation were reversed. The reason for that is that most of the time sex means a LOT more to men than it does to women. When a woman gives herself to a man, it is the ultimate sign of love, loyalty, and exclusivity. Those factors mean everything to men. Not to mention that women are the ones that are physically penetrated which holds quite a bit more weight psychologically for men than it does for women (which is a whole 'nother conversation). The analogy that I've most heard from men when their wives are unfaithful is this: "It's like I bought a brand new car. Someone took it from me, put a lot of miles on it, stole my stereo, wore down my wheels, and gave it back." It's not that they're objectifying women, but again, it's a psychological issue with men. And every time he thinks of taking you back, he thinks about you having sex with another man...most men don't recover from that and end the marriage almost immediately. You're still under the same roof and seem to be making a little progress so that's a good sign.

I can explain why and how women react to infidelity if you want to email me.

My advice to you would be to really search your soul. If you love him, you'll endure the "CSI" routine everyday. If you think it's worth it, you'll do it. If you do decide that you want to stay with him, I HIGHLY recommend some sort of marriage counseling to help the both of you get over this. Good luck with your decision and keep us posted.

Answer 2

I'd say even though you asked him to sleep with you, that doesn't give him any reason to start trusting you. When you break a person's trust it doesn't magically come back overnight or even necessarily in a few months. You may feel in your heart that you would never do it again, but he is incapable of looking inside you to see who you really are. Don't expect anything other than the reaction you got for quite awhile or maybe forever. Trust isn't something that anyone deserves in life, it is must be earned. If you want it to work out, you better be ready to swallow your pride and do anything to earn his trust again. If you don't have the stamina to wait, then leave him alone and go on with your life. Sometimes we pay a lifetime for the mistakes we make. We have no one to blame but ourselves if that happens. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Sounds like trust issues to me. If you are thinking that you are going to try and make a go of your marriage, then you need to start thinking of counseling, and before you think "NO WAY" let me tell you something. My and my fiance had major trust issues, and we didn't even know it. We have both learned to trust each other on a level that most people don't get to.
Counseling will also helps you grow together. But if you aren't going to stay together, why not just let it slide.
My theory on his behavior would be that he is trying to get a reaction and read it. Or if you knew why there were hairs in the bathroom that didn't belong to you that you would fess up to an affair, if you were having one

Answer 4

By accepting a separation you also accepted all the damage that comes from doing this. You two decided to take the easy way out and do your own thing, instead of working on how to resolve problems within your marriage. As you can see, now you two have trust issues, which is understandable when living and partying as if singe. Hopefully you two will find a way to face and deal with your problems and stop running away from them. Best of luck!

Answer 5

A word of advice. Take it or leave because advice is free. These type of arrangements never, ever work out. Of course am I telling you something you don't already know? You've just experienced the first of whats yet to come.

So if you continue to keep your relationship like this, know that you'll probably be questioned or scrutinized every day. Somehow judging by what you've said here I don't think you're the type of person who wants this to continue.

Answer 6

He does not trust you and for good reason. Trying to put trust back in the relationship is a big job. Ask him what you can do in that regard.

Answer 7

Trust will come with time, but he also has to be willing to trust! I think your best bet is to keep going slow! That is if you want to be with him! If you don't then maybe it is time to move on if you can't handle the non-trust he has for you!

Why did he make it up??

Answer 8

the situation seems a little hopeless. he doesn't trust you anymore and he never will and u will never be the way u used 2 b but if wut u ask 4 isn't trust (since u r not any more relible than he is) u can just have a dffrent relationship

Answer 9

Do you know what you are doing, I will tell you what it is you are sending him mix messages, and you are driving him crazy you either stay with the man, and fix your problem or just move out and leave him alone for someone else that deserves him plain and simple!

Answer 10

oh my, sounds like you and him are gonna keep havin problems as long as you live together because he still feels he owns you,e.t.c. and can controll you.im goin thru a divorce myself and i know living with my husband after divorce isnt gonna be a good idea.especially if you both are gonna see other people.its up to you....