My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we have a 13-year-old son. We have recently gotten back together after a 3 month separation. I left my job and family in Missouri a month ago to to be with my husband in Massachusetts. My son seems to be very happy to have his family back and is adjusting very well. However, my husband and I still seem to be having some communication issues. I feel that he has always been a little insecure and he is a little overbearing and selfish at times. He is often unwilling to compromise and feels it is his way or the highway when it comes to making decisions. When we argue whether he is wrong or right, he waits for me to come to him for resolution and I find that he is not willing to talk things out unless I apologize, even if I feel I am not wrong. I apologize often just to make peace. I cannot continue this relationship like this. Any advice on what I can say to him to improve our communication so that we both are happy?
2007-02-27 05:41:27 · 16 answers · asked by Erica W 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
find a GOOD marriage counselor
2007-02-27 05:53:35 · answer #1 · answered by G&L 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He sounds a lot like my wife whom I have been with since 1988. I deal with it because I knew she was that way when I married her. I can tolerate a lot and don't complain about much. I have 2 boys 10 and 13 and we stay together for them mostly. We know we love each other but are two totally different people. That's what makes it interesting. If you really want to make it work then you should have a heart to heart talk about structured compromising agreements. Check lists work at times and letting each other know how you feel when the other does certain things (Good and Bad).
Do you both Love each? If you do then you both will do what it takes to make it work because a marriage is a partnership and without happiness and unity then you both are destined to fail.
If this does not work then do what everyone else will tell you and that's to see a marriage counselor. The only thing is you both have to be willing to do this and understand that it will help you both understand why you do the things you do. They are professionals and know more about this than us non-professionals.
Excellent Question!
2007-02-27 14:02:53 · answer #2 · answered by SuperDave 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Insecure" "Overbearing" "Selfish". You seem to have hit the mark on each of these when it comes to describing him. Refusing to apologize or even if you don't, opening up a line of communications would be the proper thing for him to do. How can you ignore and stay angry at someone who makes the effort to try and right things? Yet you're shut off like a switch when you do this. It can be humiliating and downright degrading at times.
You aren't wrong in feeling the way you do. If you've tried to discuss this with him and express your feelings on it and he won't listen then the real problem lies with him.
His failure to comprimise and insist that his opinion is the only right one is even worse. What makes us human and well above other creatures that inhabit the planet is we can comprimise. That and sex doesn't necessarily have to be strictly for procreation. Its an act of love and giving someone an intimate part of yourself that you'd share with no others. Although in this day and age that theroy is shot to hell.
But unless you lay out to him that your sensibilities and feelings are injured because of his uncomprimising attitude he'll keep it up. Or maybe you've told this to him and he chooses to ignore your feelings anyway. In that case madam, you are not a doormat nor are you an indentured servant that has to bow to every whim "just because".
If he cannot see the light I assure you, there are plenty of men out there who desire all of that in a woman and more. Being able to communicate and concede..knowing just when you should retreat because the battle isn't worth the bloodshed and when to take your stance on what you can articulate is correct, is a gift and a sure sign of maturity. Its also a sign that YOU want the relationship to work and you're willing to do most anything, short of lowering your scruples, to make it work.
2007-02-27 14:00:25 · answer #3 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a very tricky and very sad situation.
I doubt very much if there is anymore you can do. I was married to a guy who felt he was always in the right...you can't change people like this.
You're beating your head up against a brick wall. Well, that's how it felt for me anyway.
You at least went back to give it another go....seems nothing has changed so, it's now time to make a more permanent decision.
2007-02-27 13:58:56 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
men are stubborn... the the ones with a big ego is really overbearing.... I know the type.. its control issue.. when he feels ur controling him he gets all mean..... but once hes in control everything is ok...you just gotta tell him your not trying to control him or his thoughts... you just want to communicate.... and not to be so defensive....i know we as women suppose to be submissive.lol.. but he also has to be NICE..lol... tell him u want to be with him and that u love him....but u both need to communicate better to stay together.. and if u as a couple dont know how.. that u should seek therapy.... so ur family could always be together... not only together .... happily together... and if he loves you... he will try to make it better... if not....only he to blame...
2007-02-27 14:01:31 · answer #5 · answered by gina B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I reckon, if you love each other and want to make it work, some joint counselling might help - you both need to be able to talk about these issues in a neutral environment. Good luck
Jx
2007-02-27 13:47:51 · answer #6 · answered by kirroyale3 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm glad to hear you want to make this work. That's rare these days.
Remember, and I'm sure you understand, a marriage is also a job and you have to work together to make it work. Of course, counseling is a suggestion.
2007-02-27 14:09:00 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the both of you want this marriage to work, you both need to learn how to compromise and go to counseling. This isn't something that can be fixed with something that you can say to him. Professional help is needed.
Good luck. And if he doesn't want to go, then go alone.
2007-02-27 13:48:14 · answer #8 · answered by scarfyrre 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if after a 3 month seperation,he still doesn't want to help make things better,i would go back to Missouri.he sounds like he is a very controlling person,and he doesn't accept your side.don't wait for a miracle to happen,because it isn't going to.with a young son,for his sake make a final decision.it's too hard on him going back and forth.
2007-02-27 13:57:04 · answer #9 · answered by stacy 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Marriage therapy seems to be your destiny. For your boys sake make every effort to keep things together. But you may find yourself out of luck if as you say he is as stubborn as he seems.
2007-02-27 13:48:44 · answer #10 · answered by Devdude 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
FOR STARTERS, I WOULD STOP APOLOGIZING IF YOU FEEL YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG. ALL YOU'RE DOING BY THIS, IS REASSURING HIM THAT HE FEELS HE'S RIGHT.
SECONDLY, GO GET COUNSELING. MAYBE THE COUNSELOR WILL LOOK AT SOME OF HIS ACTIONS AND HELP HIM SEE THAT HIS BEHAVIOR IS SELFISH AND CHILDISH.
2007-02-27 14:12:32 · answer #11 · answered by sweetbabykitty 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋