Help With Sports Schedule & Vacation Planning for 12 yr old Son!!?

Question

My ex & I share my 12 year old son.My ex is trying to relive his horribly misspent youth by entering our son in every sport that becomes available (& offering to coach/assistant coach), so they overlap each other & he has to drop some games/matches sometimes.My son enjoys at least 2 of the sports, but 4/5 per school year is excessive & it is affecting his grades.However, we will have to go back to court for anything to change, & my ex comes off as pillar of community in court who does no wrong as a father, although has never held a job & lets the wife do the parenting outside of sports.My question is..has anyone ever dealt with having to try to schedule vacations around sports schedules, and how much notice is fair notice of practices, etc? I mean, do I have to cancel my vacation with my son if practices pop up 24-48 hours prior to us leaving as has happened in the past?Also, ex has planned this intentionally before & was unaware I was standing behind him when he said it. (legally? VA)

Let me clarify.I was trying to give added perspective to what I am dealing with and only muddied the question. My question is 2 part--if I said (for example) "I need to know his practice and game schedule at least 1 (PART 1-or 2,3,..how long is fair?) week in advance, or I can't guarantee he will attend if we have made family/vacation plans", (PART 2-would I have a leg to stand on, or would they have grounds to cut him, make him sit the bench, etc.? My ex helps to make the schedules.My son & I have had to cancel our planned vacation for almost 4 years.We had a Memorial Day weekend trip planned last year & my ex knew it, so he told the coach the day before we were to leave that they needed to call a three hour practice for Saturday & he didn't know I was behind him.I cancelled & we came to practice & there were only 5 others & my ex didn't even show!I am afraid to stand my ground only to get to court & have the judge say I was wrong.I was hoping someone has dealt with something similar?

I am not just a bystander.I am quietly active in the booster club,pto,&created an online group for all parents at the middle school my son attends, but none of those groups gets as much of a say as an asst coach in relation to sports schedules.I am very shy and have panic/anxiety attacks when confronted with negative situations in front of other people.I avoid that like the plague.I was diagnosed with PTSD and it affects me greatly around people who intimdate me, which my ex does greatly.He was very abusive physically & mentally for years.I was the typical case & filed no charges until it was too late.I kicked him out, he met someone else who would put up with it & die before she presses charges and after 3 years of "good" behavior the record was expunged.So now he looks to be "Super Dad" but I still shudder at the thought of confrontations w/him alone or in front of others.He has even hurled outrageous accusations at me just to stop me b/c he knows about my panic attacks.It works.

Answer 1

If you share custody, why are you even allowing this in the first place. A child who is constantly on the move, constantly being pulled in every direction and has no time for down time, is going to break down eventually (the dropping grades is the first sign).
School has to be the number one priority, sports will always be there at any age but without a diploma he's going to go nowhere in life. He's got to be able to handle school first and then sports. The number of outside activities has to be kept to a minimum (two is lots). If his grades improve and he's capable of doing more, then allow one more and go from there.
I suggest, you talk to your son about it and if he agrees (that cutting back is a good idea ) then you both can bring this up with the father. If he doesn't agree I'd be talking to a lawyer about it and get an order made up or go to court. Education should always be the first priority, anything less and you don't have your child's best interest at heart (good for your argument in court).

Vacation time scheduled is a tough one to figure out for you. You can either order that the child be released into your custody for vacation time (regardless of what is scheduled) or compromise (to a point). You are entitled to spend time with your child, I guess you'll just have to try and work around it or be firm.

Answer 2

You can insist that your son drop one of the sports, at least (it should be his choice) because it is affecting his grades. If you have any trouble doing this, take it to court and have his grades in hand. You know yourself that a boy can't play when his grades are suffering (this is a rule when he's older and makes varsity).
You have a right to talk to the coaches and tell them that you have a vacation scheduled. In fact, the best thing for you to do would be to schedule your vacation with the coaches input. Tell him that you are in a difficult situation because of custody issues and you don't want the team's performance to suffer if your son's positive contribution is missed. If you get your time period for vacation approved by the coach, put in writing that you have done this, state the time of the vacation and mail copies to the coach, your husband, everyone.
Problem is: you think your husband is too involved in the sports stuff but you yourself are not involved enough. You shouldn't be a bystander listening from the sidelines while your husband undermines your efforts to have family time away with your son. Show some muscle - speak up, keep everything in writing, take your son on vacation, relax and let everyone else deal with it.
Ask yourself: what do other families do for vacation plans? They have to make compromises but they don't take vacation off the calendar - mainly because they don't have to deal with these power struggles.
You talk about going to court - then that means you have a lawyer. Use him or her for input. I have a feeling they will say what I just said.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry you have this to deal with. I am divorced with 2 but don't have nearly your problem. Please get legal Councel with someone who isn't just out for blood but will listen to you . It doesn't sound like you've had the best. Interview. they are offering you a service and it may not even cost to do this. The bottom line in the boy is the one that it affects the most. take a panic pill and trudge forward!

Answer 4

Kids that age need time to be a kid. 2 events other than school is enough. My kids were allowed to choose 2 things they wanted to be involved in. That was it.